Soul.Searching my way back.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug, I've looked a little at some of the stuff and it really hits home. I might need to order a book.
I'm still struggling. I have times, like last night where it's like I can see it all so clearly but then today, not so much. It wasent like he was all bad all the time.
Nothing I did was ever good enough. I've been told (Even though I don't want to be) about some if his recent FB status's. apparently OW gets up at 4AM on her days off to make him coffee. Apparently he posted something along the lines of "It's great to have someone who cares enough to do things for you"

I feel that I did a lot for H. I did complain sometimes in the last few years because I felt that it was expected, not appreciated. I knew I would cop his crap if I couldn't comply. I felt that he hardly done anything I asked.
It seems that he is bagging me in a round about way on FB. That hurts.
I know a few people have told me they have removed him from FB because they are sick of his posts. I'm sure that's my fault too.

I guess I failed. He failed. We failed.
It's hard not to take it personally. The last year or so I couldn't cook anything that was up to his standards. The house was not organized to his standards. He made that very difficult for me.

Even now, none of my kids clothes were up to his standards. It feels like he is saying I am a bad mother. They have good clothes. I've been able to buy more for them lately, without H around.


My hair was not good enough for him. He wanted it bleach blond but I didn't it.
He was embarrassed about my job, he wanted me to be a hairdresser or at least something with a fancy title, if I wouldn't be a hairdresser.

He wanted me to dress in clothes that I wasent comftable with.
I didn't wear make up enough. I'm not in to high heels and I don't paint my fingernails (Work stops me.) I didn't wear jewelry often enough.
I didn't wait in him hand and foot.

I just wasent good enough for him anymore in his eyes.