DB'ing my way into a new life-by Tori

[Wendylon]

Hi Tori,

I'm really thrilled that you're planning another trip to Ca. I think I remember you having some things to look forward to in the spring too.

I have no worries ab your future. I get a good sense of you and feel v confident that many will want to be with you. I don't think you need to stress about your future. It will look after itself. Look at Tumbling!

It will be interesting to see if and how your H responds.

Keep GAL and allow yourself to feel whatever passes through you-- like clouds in the sky. You know things will keep changing.

((((( )))))

[needgrace]

hi tori,

i am glad that the L seems to be working better for you. you are doing so well, tori, trust yourself. i think it is like climbing a mountain at times, you keep turning the corner, thinking you have reached the top and finding there is more to go...but you can also look back and see how high you have already climbed.
i love the quote from tumbling from eckhart tolle about worrying about the future. great stuff.
some of us are on the alt and are easily found.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((tori)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[tori2012]

Busting, Wendylon, and Grace, thank you for your posts, for the encouragement, and for the (((())))

Well, he replied. I was surprised he did it so soon. I guess my coach has proven she knows her stuff.

Here it is. FYI, I told him about my coach. It was the only way to frame this email into something logical.

"Hi, Tori.

Thank you for the thoughtful note. You have always been very thoughtful. Jody seems like a very smart person and I’m glad that she has helped you. I’ll let you know when I’m up for the “closing conversation”. I’m not ready yet. Yes, the conversation will certainly be a challenge, but I’m sure it will probably be helpful in some way.

I really didn’t intend to send you mixed messages, but I know that I did. I’m sorry about reading your personal journal, that wasn’t right of me and I regret it. You are right though, that I felt very hurt. But you are wrong if you think that was the cause of the breakdown. We can talk about that in our future conversation, but I would call it a lack of flexibility, and lack of openness and sharing and making it safe to share. Later on when some of those three issues were improving a little, it was a lack of trust, a cycle of criticism and defensiveness (I felt attacked), a lack of freedom and a lack of personal space. I’ll also admit that I had a problem with honesty, which I habitualized, and I’m very sorry about that.

Anyway, you are probably right that we both paid for this emotionally. Thanks for the validating comments in your email. Those make me feel good. I don’t really want to write a list of things I like about you, although I could. It’s only because I’m afraid of how you might interpret this as another mixed message. Know though that I truly want you to be happy and that I respect you very much."

It seems he's ID'd some of the things he did to contribute to the breakdown of our M. When he talks about lack of freedom and feeling attacked, he's referring to my being paranoid after the A. I asked him to share his phone records (and I found more calls from and to the OW) and to tell me where he was and with whom. I wouldn't do it differently now, even though I know the DB way would've been to not ask about his whereabouts, etc. But there was no way I could've done that. This A really killed the trust.

It's been quite the day. But I made it! And I do appreciate your support. You are really helping me get through this, and I will always be grateful.

[Wendylon]

Hi Tori,

I'm glad that he responded quickly. It sounds as if he's trying hard not to give you mixed messages. It is interesting how he is taking some responsibility for the breakdown of the M though I find some of the phrasing a bit odd (how he habitualized the problem he had with honesty).

You've made it through another day as graciously as you seem to make it through all your days. It is a very attractive quality and that's one of the reasons that I know you don't need to worry about your future.

Hope you have a nice weekend.

[tori2012]

Thank you, Wendylon. Yes, his phrasing is odd. What he means is that he became a habitual liar. He would lie about everything and he became really good at it, even though I would eventually find out the truth.

Your words are so reassuring. Thank you. Hope you have a good weekend too.

[tori2012]

Update:
My H finally emailed the bank statements. Nothing bad, just that he never deposited the $$ his grandmother sent for Christmas. I thought that might've been the reason he wasn't sharing the statements.

Emotionally, I've been better but I'm not at my worst. I started the cycle of crying every day, but at some point it'll stop. And if I can avoid the court altogether, I'll feel a little better. It'll be like the D didn't really happen. Avoidance? Definitely. But I don't care. Sometimes you do what you need to do to lessen the pain.

I've also been worried about the finances. My L told me the support I will receive will be less than I expected (and less than I need to cover my expenses,) so until I find a new job that pays better, it'll be tight financially. I can tap into my savings, which is what I'm planning on doing, and I also plan to switch jobs as soon as all of this D thing is over (and as soon as someone actually wants to hire me!)

[littleGTO]

Tori,
I think everything you are going through is normal for where you are. I would be equally anxious about the whole court thing & I don't blame you for wanting to avoid that if possible. BUt, you'll get through it and will be stronger for it.

The crying cycles through over and over, I've found. The good thing is each time it seems to be less intense and the duration lessens. THe pain is awful, but the only thing I'm holding onto is the advice from vets that the only thing that really heals is TIME. And, we all know we can't rush that.

I also understand your worry about finances. That is to be expected until you find out exactly where you'll be (what he'll contribute). And, I don't worry about you being hired b/c I can tell you are a go-getter and any employer would be lucky to have someone with your qualitites!

Thanks for posting on my thread, too!

[tori2012]

Thank you, GTO! Your post came when I needed it most.
Big, big hug to you!

[afa75]

Tori,
Sorry to hear you've been down lately. As Gto pointed, its normal to feel what you are feeling. Heck, if you weren't, I'd be a little worried. I say that as I and we all know how caring and compassionate you are. Also, it will get better. You know that, just as much as it does s*ck until we get there.

Hope today is better.

(((((( ))))))

[needgrace]

((((((((((((((((((((((tori))))))))))))))))))))))))))))),

i agree with afa, how you are feeling is normal. give yourself time and accept where you are at. i know i made it worse at times by getting down on myself for still feeling sad which just made me feel worse. when i accept it is when i seem to progress through it..

i think that what is best about us is also what we struggle with.. and your warmth, compassion and ability to love are great qualities can make us sensitive to this hurt but are also the route to the love we want in the future.