Coming up on one month since I asked for no contact and feeling better than I have in a really long time. I've been very focused on me and getting my house in order (literally and figuratively). I don't at all regret moving her stuff to the attic. It cleared out a lot of emotional space for me.
“Sorrow prepares you for joy. It violently sweeps everything out of your house, so that new joy can find space to enter. It shakes the yellow leaves from the bough of your heart, so that fresh, green leaves can grow in their place. It pulls up the rotten roots, so that new roots hidden beneath have room to grow. Whatever sorrow shakes from your heart, far better things will take their place.” ― Rumi
I went from wearing my wedding ring, to wearing it on a necklace, to not wearing it at all. Not wearing it at all happened by accident and then I never put it back on. I've also started just telling people what happened instead of skirting the issue. That also feels better. Saying it over and over again makes it a story that happened in the past instead of a trauma that is happening right now. I wasn't ready for that before but now I am. And I've discovered there are far more "survivors" out there than I imagined - many of whom I would never have known had lost a spouse without this happening to me.
The dating websites resulted in a string of phone calls and emails that just served to reinforce the feeling that nobody would ever measure up to my W (feels strange calling her that now). But then, out of the blue on a site that I'd not had much interaction on, someone extraordinarily interesting and attractive contacted me. I've since been on a date with her (first date in 19 years - not where I thought I'd be right now) and will see her again this weekend. I'm starting to just operative intuitively... if it feels right I'm going with it. That approach will probably not be popular here, especially with the hardcore standers, but I want this account to be a completely honest record.
I've gotten all sorts of advice, from saying I should have a meaningless one-night stand to I should take a long time off. In the end, our couples therapist suggested it was okay for me to keep the door open to reconciliation somewhere down the road but that it would be unhealthy for me to "wait" and not see other people. That did not resonate for me at first, but I abruptly turned the corner on that after this person came into the picture.
Partly, it is just nice to spend time with someone new who doesn't know my W and doesn't care about what happened. I think people in MLC tend to make everything about them. This came up in our final MC meeting when she accused me of punishing her by keeping the dog. Really, I want to keep the dog because I like having the dog for company in my big empty house. And the OM has a dog - so why does she need take mine?
It is nice that the time spent with the new person in my life IS all about me in some sense. I am seeing them because it is what feels right for me right now, and there is something healing about that. So very little has felt right since all of this happened, it is nice to feel something good again for a change.
____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25 EA/PA ongoing, MC 9/30-1/10 No contact 1/10 - present
