Help/Advice needed please...

[Intact]

^

[25yearsmlc]

You listed the following:


My 180s
Financial management/competence
Getting fit
No nagging
Housework - cooking cleaning etc.
Always chatting to her - small talk

GAL - joined a fitness club, joined a cookery course, starting to teach photography, new hobby - film making.

If there's anything else I could add to my 180si would be happy to do so - but these were her main complaints,


According to you earlier, your wife said that you two had "poor communication, lack of touch except for sexual reasons, and not helping with the house".

On one hand, I think your GAL are good. They involve you meeting new people who don't know your situation, which means you won't obsess as much, and having a PMA (positive mental attitude) will be much easier to have. And that's appealing.

Plus it makes you more interesting and more intriguing. You want to be LESS predictable, while still presenting as a reliable father to your son. Do you get this?

ON the other hand, what are you doing to show her that you can be playful and affectionate WITHOUT it being foreplay?


You need to show her that you can GIVE affection without expectation of sex. Can you see why? Do you know how?

Like giving her a back rub? Or a flirtatious pat on the behind or on her back? And a compliment, but without pursuit? You have to do so without attaching anything to the results. Hugs are good if you can do them without lingering.

I concede It can be a balancing act, but it's something that would be new and different from you, correct?

What's up with your communication with her now, also? She mentioned it to you, and I suspect it matters more than you realize. Don't leave it out of the list.

How about making full eye contact with her whenever she speaks?

Can you re=cap what she tells you right after she talks?

I suggest you re-cap TO HER, what she tells you so that you know you are clearly understanding her

and that what she says, MATTERS to you...and if it's different behavior from you, all the better.

Try NOT to focus on whether she's a WAW or in MLC. It's a waste of time.

Why? B/c YOUR course of action is the same, regardless of what she's doing or feeling or if she's a WAW or an MLCer. You need to grasp this.

Here are some things my DB coach told me to do, which I think can apply in your situation.

You must detach, GAL, and be an upbeat interestED (LISTEN WELL) and interestING (GAL) man.

you must become a man only a fool would leave.

A man who lovingly interacts with his child, moves the mother of that child.

NO woman is untouched by that. So be the best father you can be now.

When she speaks to you of her life (other than OM comments, if any)
you need to listen like a lover. CARE about what she's telling you. Validate her perceptions or emotions without immediately suggesting a fix or solution.

For instance, When a woman tells her h about a problem with a co-worker, or a boss, if the h tells her to "just quit the job if you hate x so much"

here is what the wife hears...

"there, be quiet now b/c I fixed your problem with my obvious solution. Now STOP talking about the problem even if you're still upset, b/c I'm not interested in hearing about it nearly as much as shutting you up"...and when a husband suggests what HE thinks the solution is, he's surprised his wife isn't happy.

She's not stupid. She'll have thought of quitting too. The obvious answers are not lost on her.

But she wants to express how she feels, and that's a PROCESS. Sometimes all she wants from her friend or partner, is for him to listen to her, and let her feel her way through it. Not "fix it". Not shut her up.

Let her talk and don't tell her she "should not" feel how she feels. Feelings are realities. Telling her she should not be upset or mad, isn't validating and That's like telling her she should not be short. She feels what she feels. And that changes b/c we all have emotions that shift and evolve.

What she says today MIGHT not be true at all, but even if it is, things change. if you asked me in '06 what I thought would happen in my m, I'd have said we have a "10% chance of making it". Nothing is written in stone.

[Intact]

You listed the following:


My 180s
Financial management/competence
Getting fit
No nagging
Housework - cooking cleaning etc.
Always chatting to her - small talk

GAL - joined a fitness club, joined a cookery course, starting to teach photography, new hobby - film making.

If there's anything else I could add to my 180si would be happy to do so - but these were her main complaints,


According to you earlier, your wife said that you two had "poor communication, lack of touch except for sexual reasons, and not helping with the house".

On one hand, I think your GAL are good. They involve you meeting new people who don't know your situation, which means you won't obsess as much, and having a PMA (positive mental attitude) will be much easier to have. And that's appealing.

Plus it makes you more interesting and more intriguing. You want to be LESS predictable, while still presenting as a reliable father to your son. Do you get this?

ON the other hand, what are you doing to show her that you can be playful and affectionate WITHOUT it being foreplay?


You need to show her that you can GIVE affection without expectation of sex. Can you see why? Do you know how?

Like giving her a back rub? Or a flirtatious pat on the behind or on her back? And a compliment, but without pursuit? You have to do so without attaching anything to the results. Hugs are good if you can do them without lingering.

I concede It can be a balancing act, but it's something that would be new and different from you, correct?

What's up with your communication with her now, also? She mentioned it to you, and I suspect it matters more than you realize. Don't leave it out of the list.

How about making full eye contact with her whenever she speaks?

Can you re=cap what she tells you right after she talks?

I suggest you re-cap TO HER, what she tells you so that you know you are clearly understanding her

and that what she says, MATTERS to you...and if it's different behavior from you, all the better.

Try NOT to focus on whether she's a WAW or in MLC. It's a waste of time.

Why? B/c YOUR course of action is the same, regardless of what she's doing or feeling or if she's a WAW or an MLCer. You need to grasp this.

Here are some things my DB coach told me to do, which I think can apply in your situation.

You must detach, GAL, and be an upbeat interestED (LISTEN WELL) and interestING (GAL) man.

you must become a man only a fool would leave.

A man who lovingly interacts with his child, moves the mother of that child.

NO woman is untouched by that. So be the best father you can be now.

When she speaks to you of her life (other than OM comments, if any)
you need to listen like a lover. CARE about what she's telling you. Validate her perceptions or emotions without immediately suggesting a fix or solution.

For instance, When a woman tells her h about a problem with a co-worker, or a boss, if the h tells her to "just quit the job if you hate x so much"

here is what the wife hears...

"there, be quiet now b/c I fixed your problem with my obvious solution. Now STOP talking about the problem even if you're still upset, b/c I'm not interested in hearing about it nearly as much as shutting you up"...and when a husband suggests what HE thinks the solution is, he's surprised his wife isn't happy.

She's not stupid. She'll have thought of quitting too. The obvious answers are not lost on her.

But she wants to express how she feels, and that's a PROCESS. Sometimes all she wants from her friend or partner, is for him to listen to her, and let her feel her way through it. Not "fix it". Not shut her up.

Let her talk and don't tell her she "should not" feel how she feels. Feelings are realities. Telling her she should not be upset or mad, isn't validating and That's like telling her she should not be short. She feels what she feels. And that changes b/c we all have emotions that shift and evolve.

What she says today MIGHT not be true at all, but even if it is, things change. if you asked me in '06 what I thought would happen in my m, I'd have said we have a "10% chance of making it". Nothing is written in stone.

Thanks for this it's excellent advice...

I am listening to my wife and constantly making eye contact as far as the physical touch goes, that's near on impossible - she wouldn't want me to touch her in any way at all at e time being. In fact if I did touch her back or something I suspect she would just tell me not too.

We are having a few issues at the moment with custody of our child as well which won't help. At the moment we have him 50/50 but I can see it really isn't working for him and he needs more time at home. This is something I obviously have to deal with because its in his best interests, but ultimately it will only serve to push her further away.

[labug]

We are having a few issues at the moment with custody of our child as well which won't help. At the moment we have him 50/50 but I can see it really isn't working for him and he needs more time at home. This is something I obviously have to deal with because its in his best interests, but ultimately it will only serve to push her further away.

What does this mean? I'm not understanding.

[Intact]

We are having a few issues at the moment with custody of our child as well which won't help. At the moment we have him 50/50 but I can see it really isn't working for him and he needs more time at home. This is something I obviously have to deal with because its in his best interests, but ultimately it will only serve to push her further away.

What does this mean? I'm not understanding.

Just about who has our son and when etc but its all been resolved now.

One thing I do find odd, whenever my wife comes to talk about money or our son etc she keeps bringing her mother with her. We went and closed our joint account today and her mum came - it just seems a bit ridiculous.

[Intact]

Having a really difficult day today, largely because I'm pretty convinced my wide is with the OM today and tomorrow evening - I try to put it all at the back of my mind but when I get a text from her saying "have a good weekend" it makes it difficult...

In my own mind this OM is perfect as well, it kind of [censored] not knowing anything about him. My Wife still tells me it's just "friendship" but I don't buy that at all...

I am going out and GAL but sometimes it really gets the better of me - its like a huge portion of my life has been ripped away from me and I'm terrified I might never get it back.

[Intact]

Are my 180s/ LRT working? Te reason I ask is my wife sent me a text earlier which just said "thank you for trying to move on and for accepting this. We will make this work because of the great parents we have been, and will be"

This has really troubled me - I feel like because she can see me " moving on" it has pushed her further away - please help me - I really would appreciate any advice ASAP.

[swoop]

"thank you for trying to move on and for accepting this. We will make this work because of the great parents we have been, and will be"

Hmmm. Hopefully, Some of the experts here will reply to this. Personally I think it could be a few different things. First, she could be dead honest. Or, she could be looking for a certain reaction from you to support her current feelings. Or, it could even be that your 180's are indeed working and she is noticing them.

For the time being, I wouldn't even try to analyize it. Just take it for what it is, a COMPLIMENT. Be happy with that and put it out or your mind. I know, hard to do. Wait for some more input on it.

[Intact]

"thank you for trying to move on and for accepting this. We will make this work because of the great parents we have been, and will be"

Hmmm. Hopefully, Some of the experts here will reply to this. Personally I think it could be a few different things. First, she could be dead honest. Or, she could be looking for a certain reaction from you to support her current feelings. Or, it could even be that your 180's are indeed working and she is noticing them.

For the time being, I wouldn't even try to analyize it. Just take it for what it is, a COMPLIMENT. Be happy with that and put it out or your mind. I know, hard to do. Wait for some more input on it.

It's really hard for me to see it as a compliment - it scares me quite frankly.

[LJC]

I know what Intact is saying that would freak me out. If anything you'd like her to say the opposite!

That's what troubles me with DBing. I'm sure to some WAS we're making their journey a pleasant one without the LBS kicking and screaming! Surely some would prefer us to put up some sort of passionate fight for them?

Don't get me wrong I'm trying to toe the line with DBing but I think we should realise this path is all about helping us as a person and not a guarantee to getting your WAS back?