I have been around here for a very long time, and I have watched many people struggle with the question of whether they want to save their M or not.
I am going to go on the premise that you do, for whatever reason, based on the fact that you are here. You can always change your mind later.
So how do you go about doing that as the WAS in comparison to the LBS? It really isn’t that different. You work on your stuff…
Originally Posted By: lampshade
After reading the excellent advice given I realize that I am still trying to control H even now through what I am saying to him. Trying to get him to man up and "do the right thing" by modeling it to him first (apologizing first, asking to R first) like a mother to a child. Still after all this time, I am still doing this. And I hate it.
You admit that you are attempting to control your H and you know that it is wrong.
As much as we might like to, we can’t control anyone but ourselves in this world. One of the things we need to realize is that our “right thing”, may not be someone else’s “right thing”. So yes, the modeling of behavior, behavior that you would like to see from him, is a form of control.
That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t act that way if that is the way you want to present yourself, you just can’t expect him to follow suit.
Personally, I see a lot of things that I view as controlling, including your attempts at helping him create the life you think he wants instead of letting him do it on his own, your continued resentment of him for things that happened when you were teenagers, your pattern of throwing him out and then expecting him to return…
Passive aggressive behaviors, are forms of manipulations and manipulation is a form of control. And I am honestly not sure that manipulation is a part of any religion’s moral code.
I see a lot of things in your thread…anger, insecurity, jealousy, fear, judgemental attitudes, and moral superiority to name a few.
So I will put it all out there, and get stuff on the table and it will be up to you to go from there…
At this point, I don’t care too much about what your H has done or is doing, because he isn’t here, you are…
Let's just agree for now that he was not the perfect H. Is there such a thing?
You had two affairs. Why? I don’t really believe that they were completely for vengeance. What did you get from the affair that you didn’t get from your H?
You threw your H out multiple times.
Yet you profess to love him, even though you admit that you don’t show him love.
Why would you not show your love to him?
Let’s start there. Things with you, things that you need to consider so that you don’t repeat these patterns in future relationships, as I fear you have lived this before.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
