Before I begin, please allow me to say that I know I have been a bad husband. And I'm here because of my own actions. I can't change the past, but I would sincerely like to work on the future and try to get my wife back.
My wife of 6 years emailed me on the morning of Jan 17th and said she wants a divorce. I was 22 and she was 30 when we got married. The age difference didn't bother us and we truly loved one another. I know I still do and I think she does too.
When I first read that email, I felt as if I was about to die. I immediately felt hopeless. The next two-three days were very horrible. I contemplated suicide, begged her to change her mind, told her I would do whatever it takes to save our marriage. After reading some of the posts here, I realize that was a mistake. I stopped all contact with her 3 days ago because she said she does not wish to communicate with me. That it disturbs her peace.
My marriage broke down for a few different reasons. I come from South Asia and she is a US citizen, but we live in Canada. Because of cultural differences, I couldn't tell my parents that I was going to marry her. They would have never accepted this. She was fine with it. I was going to university and soon she found work. The town we lived in was small and I hated it. Slowly, my hate and dislike for living in that town took over me completely. I lost all my motivation and cut back on my classes at University.
I realized I wasn't happy and motivated and because of that my marriage was suffering. So I went on a month long vacation to be alone, work on my inner problems and myself. My wife didn't complain and was okay with it. I came back determined to find a job. I applied for a few jobs that were available, but didn't have any luck. So I moved to a different (bigger) city where I felt there would be more job opportunities. And she supported me (she too likes this city better than the one she lives in currently but I don't know if that's true anymore). Helped me move as well. That was 2 months ago. Since she asked for a divorce, I have literally doubled and tripled my efforts to get a job. Have had a some interviews as well..but so far no luck. That has been the main reason for my current problems. She feels I wasn't motivated and was erratic. Also, she feels that I should have told my parents about the marriage. And I had already decided that I would as soon as I landed a job. I felt that once they know that I have a job and I'm settled and happy with the person in my life, they would eventually accept my marriage. I now realise I waited too long. During these two weeks, I have told her that I will tell my parents everything, no matter what the consequences. And I fully intend to do that on Feb 10th (my parents are away until then and I can't reach them).
Some of the things she has said in her emails (there haven't been many since she told me about her desire to divorce): "I love you and care about you and that won't change" (I don't know if this was her way of letting me down gently), "You are one of the smartest people I know and you have many good qualities, but you need to start doing better for yourself", "I resent you, I feel like I have wasted my time with you. I wanted things in life", "If you cared about me you'd let me go and say '<name>, let me go. Just agree to meet me in a year and half and see how I have changed'.", "I'm very angry at everything right now", "We are separated and I really just do not wish to communicate with you", "I will help you with our joint debts but only communicate with me if its about the debt or things you have left behind", "I have no reason to stay", "I need some stability in life", "I find myself more at peace when I'm alone", "when you went on that vacation, something inside me 'broke'" (but she never said or seemed against it at that time, but now I think her silence was a way to avoid a conflict).
She is adamant on divorce. She can't file for divorce until Jan 1st of next year. But I feel like she has made up her mind and won't care about anything from here on..when I get a job and whatever else. As I said earlier, I know I made mistake when I begged and pleaded her to change her mind. I was stupid enough to let her know that I felt suicidal for the first two days. I haven't emailed her or communicated with her for the past 3 days. I realise she needs her space and my emails were only making it worse. I know my desire to make the changes has come late. But I'm very determined to make those changes. I just hope she will give me a chance to show her the "new me" before its too late. I have a bad temper, but I have made improvements to overcome that bad quality over the past one year. And this episode made me go see a therapist to further help me with this personal problem since one of her complaints was that whenever she had a grievance, we would end up fighting.
Is there any hope? I love my wife a lot (I know everyone here loves their spouse and I'm no different). Will she give me one last chance even though she says she doesn't want to be married anymore? Being in different cities doesn't help either.
She had come to visit me on Christmas vacations. We spent 10 days together. Had a nice time. She even said so herself. Texted me while waiting for her flight: "I had a nice time with you". Then 16 days later, that email arrives. It is very hard for me to focus on job search in this condition, but I have managed to continue to do that after the first two days of crying. Its still very hard but I'm trying to hang in and do what needs to be done. Yesterday was a particular bad day. I broke down on my way to an interview.
I picked up a copy of Divorce Busting and The Divorce Remedy last evening. Have only read the first 15 pages of DR thus far. But form what I have read, its geared towards couples who live in the same household and is meant to help such couples. Is that correct?
Also, I have never cheated on her and as far as I know, she has either (but some posters here have said that once a wife is so adamant on divorce, it usually means she has some other man in her life). I don't know how relevant this is to my problem/situation.
I'm sorry I have been all over the place with story. I wish I could be more oragnised in my details but I'm having a hard time focusing. I will fill in more information as it comes to mind. I spend the days applying for jobs, and nights perusing forums like this.
I need this community's help and guidance. I need some hope that I can save my marriage and get the love of my life back. Please help!
