Shes the one confused

[ericmsant2]

Pete

Im finding it so hard to ignore the drama. Its like The quote from Godfather III " Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in". And she does. Pulls me back into the drama.

My ex does the same thing. Still angry and vile…truly a pita to deal with. These past two weeks I too have allowed myself to get sucked back in. I had to remind myself over the past few days that 1) she is crazy 2) she really is not done 3) this too will pass and 4) I ultimately control ME.

I dont know how I can turn this off. I cant stop her but what do I do to keep her out of my mind? Do I have to get used to?

Not sure if what I do will help you but I figured I would share…..

1) Stop responding to anything that is not about the kids schedule or finances.

2) Keep communication to the bear bone minimum and if possible – electronic. I do not call my xw. I try and keep everything via email. Why? In the event that I needed to go back to court I can easily show how unreasonable she is. Trust me dude, if I could share some of the emails I would.

3) Do what is required by law in terms of communication. In my example our decree says that we must respond within 12 hours. XW for the past 3 years almost never responded to emails or text or if she did it was cryptic so ya never knew what was going. For example: me to her “ so are you picking up the kids on Sunday” – her response “Sunday is th 3rd”. As you can see, the question was never answered. I am left to figure it out on my own. So now what I do…is respond with a “I have received your email”. That is it.

4) ACCEPT that you cannot change her. This is one of the hardest thing to do. But do you must. Accept that she is what she is. In my case, I have accepted that my xw is really gone. She is incapable of any reasonable conversation. I have had to accept it.

5) Stopping giving a rats as* how she will feel or take something. I know it sounds harsh…but for me I have found that I needed to finally accept that an alien replaced my xw. I have to keep reminding myself that nothing I say, don’t say, do, don’t do, think of, don’t think of…is gonna change her. So guess what – I need to do what I need to do that is in the kids best interest and mine. My hope is still that one day she wakes up and can be somewhat civil.

6) Keep busy and do not always read what she sends right away. Stay busy Peter. Keep doing you buddy. Keeping working to be the best man you can be and really just LET GO completely. Michelle Davis talks about thought stopping..use those tools when she enters your mind.

Its like she cant let me go and the only way of keeping me around since I have tried to to NC as much as possible, is to provoke me or blame me.

I had this long conversation with my mom a few months ago about this. FTR, my MOM went through her own crisis….it lasted a very very long time. My mother understand what my xw is going through and based on what she knows of her does not feel like she has the tools (emotional awareness, etc) to work through it. She always went on to say that my XW may never be able to “let me go”. I was shocked… “why mom”…”it make no sense to me”…”this is what she wanted”….my mother’s response. Honey you will never understand….it is like being in a fog…you never are happy….I was in it for probably 10 – 15 years. It was horrible. I held on to my xh (she had several) trying to find something…that honestly I still do not know what I was looking for. All I know is that I FELT that I WOULD LET GO WHEN I WANTED TO. I just did not know when that would be. So Eric, realize that she is not going to let go until she is ready to…if she ever really is ready to. All you can do is live your life and be happy.

Ayep – that up there ^^^^ from my mom. Ya know I was thinking about asking her to write about it so that I can post it.

Bottom line Pete – “do you”…..put as much distance as you can between her and yourself and let her go. She may come out if it, she may not. She may one day become nice again, she may never – either way….the closer you stay to it – the worse you will feel.