What if this is as good as it gets ????

[ericmsant2]

Sunny

I wish I could go back to Monday I wish I could go back for a lot of things but I can't and I can't keep beating myself up for it now

You can’t change the past BUT you can CHANGE YOUR future. To do so, you must LEARN from the past. Notice that YOUR anger wrote a check that you’re a*s is not ready to cash. So do yourself and favor and learn from it! Remember Sunny, the only one YOU can control is YOU. That includes your anger, your words and YOUR ACTIONS. Stop beating yourself up over the past. Ya can’t redo it! So as much as it may suck to hear this..err read this…. – GET OVER IT! Forgive yourself and cut yourself a little slack….just don’t do it again. The time for you to speak will come…right now is not that time.

Yes you're right I am trying to get her to look at her behavior

I get that…your words cannot make her look at her behavior, YOUR actions though CAN! The first action is to please stop talking to her about the D.

She made an appointment with a lawyer I suggested a mediator so she cancelled her appointment with the lawyer and we are going to the mediator Tuesday

IMO, you can’t “stop” going to the mediator. You can though be very clear on what it is that YOU want. You can try and delay this. For example, plan to be at work on the mediation appt day and reschedule it. Bottom line, the more you try to stop her the more she will want to move forward. Think of it this way, YOU do not want a divorce – that is how YOU FEEL, it is what YOU want. She on the other hands WANTS a divorce. She wants something different from what you want. Who is right? Personally, both of you in a way. She is right to FEEL the way she FEELS and YOU are RIGHT for feeling the way you FEEL. IMO, you need to figure out what it is that YOU can live with and WHY. So Sunny….WHY do you want to remain married to her?

you keep talking about my actions what should my actions be - act like I won't go to the mediator - Act like I will take whatever u dishes out ??

IMO, your actions should be of a man that respects himself, his wife and his family. I am not here to tell you what to do. That is your call. I can point out what I see in your post but everyone sitch is different. That said, I’ll try to answer your question with a little more detail. First, a man that respects himself would not even consider….. “act like I will take whatever u dish out”. You are not a victim unless you want to be one. You can always leave or throw her as* out (regardless of what the laws are – you may have consequences but it is still YOUR choice). So respect yourself and HER. Firm boundaries. Clear accountability. Second, …”a man that respects his wife”. I am not suggesting that you sit back while she is f*cking billy bob. Nope. I am though saying that you can be clear on what you will allow in YOUR life in a respectful way. For example: A comment like “while you are in a relationship with another man – you will not have one with me. Please pack your belonging and leave. This is not a healthy enviornment for this family, especially Sunny Jr”. Saying this in a firm yet calm tone is very different than telling her “ you CAN’T go OUT” or screaming at her. Finally, “ a man respects his family”…. IMO, in order to respect your family you must first respect yourself and your W. Your actions should be that of confidence, of conviction over what YOU will and WILL NOT allow in your life. It should not matter what I say or anyone else. So Sunny, my point is that your actions should speak. You should not be afraid to go to the mediator!

I asked you in an earlier post questions… what is your plan. Do you really want to keep working two jobs? Do you really want to move out of your house?

You are operating in fear – complete and utter fear, which I understand having been there myself. Until you can face the fear, which means face the fact that your W may divorce you – you will continue to act in a manner that is fearful. Dude, my heart aches for you man because I know how you feel and what you are going through……I wish I can shake you and get you to realize that you really will be okay that the only way to get her back is to really let her go and focus on you. Let her go Sunny…be firm on what it is that you want and RESPECT her choices. She wants to be with OM – fine. You focus on what you want in your life. You want to keep standing for your M. Then do it. Why change what you want for her.

Eric do you suggest I postpone the mediator appointment

You can try...but the reason, at least what you should tell her, is that you need to gather some additional info in order to make the meeting as useful as possible. If she says "no"...well then please don't go begging - nope - a simple fine. I will see you Tuesday will suffice. Please Sunny....keep your mouth and emotions under control.

What state are you in?

Eric