I completely agree with Tallula. WASs can feel when you are sincere in your decision to live your life with or without them. I’ve read so many posts on this board about it. I also think that your sitch is fairly fresh, and cannot expect you GF to miss you after just a few weeks of DBing.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Now I'm thinking I'll text, "How could we work this out? Maybe I could watch the kids next Sat or Sun unless you have a better idea? Did you get to take care of *logistical issue*?"
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I'm not sure that you're getting the hint from her. She doesn't want you around. Constantly bugging her about it isn't going to do much good. And besides, I understand that you care for the kids, but you are going to have to let some of that go if she doesn't want you around. When you keep bugging her about them it sounds a little creepy especially since they aren't yours.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
So, I know these aren't my kids and she doesn't have to do diddly. I know Tue she didn't work until 9pm, she off at 7pm. I also don't believe she would work solid 7 days a week with two of her kids bdays in the same week, the babies 1st bday, and her male friend who came in the store mentioned the bday party they're having. So, I'm pretty damn sure she's lying to me and honestly, it wouldn't be hard for me to find out if she's lying to me. It pisses me off that it's a lie for whatever reason (I'll avoid the mind reading this time around) and I don't want my emotions to get the best of me.
She's lying to you. So what? She doesn't live with you anymore, she's done with you, she doesn't want you around her kids. She is DONE! The fact that she is willing to lie just to try and get you off her back shows just how "done" she is. She doesn't answer to you. She has completely detached from you. You on the other hand are continuing the same old needy, grabby, desperate behavior that has driven her away. When are you going to stop it and detach?
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I know the calm, cool thing is to just say something along the lines of "Ok, could you keep it in mind for the week after?" Or, I want to say, "Ok, I understand, could I just pick up the kids one night after I get done at work and you can pick them up when you're done at work?"
No, that's pressure. She's already told you "no" twice, why do you think you'll get a different response the 3rd time? The calm, cool thing would be to say "I understand and I respect your boundaries. Even though I'd like to visit with the children I can see that it's not what you want. Please let me know if you change your mind about this in the future."
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It feels like all passive-agressive punishment (I know, b/c I've done it plenty myself) to me. That she's just trying to stick it to me and hurt me b/c she can and it's an easy lie that I SHOULDN'T argue unless I truly am a douchebag.
Or maybe she's DONE and doesn't want you around her or her children. It doesn't sound to me like she's punishing you or being vindictive, she's trying to keep you at a distance and the more you fight it the more scared/ concerned she will get. I see a restraining order in your future if you keep this up.
Yeah, I hadn't really thought about it that way. I was trying to think it through the best I could. Trying to come up with a way of doing it in a non-needy fashion.
Last night I ended up texting, "Alright, I see you're putting in a lot of effort at work. How could we work this out? Maybe I could watch them next Sat or Sun unless you have a better idea? Did you *take care of logistical issue*?"
Didn't get a response, no suprise there. This logistical issue needs to be taken care of. I hate harping on it b/c it comes across like I'm pursuing but it's all business. Thing is, I'm having to ask her for help in finishing up this business so I wanted to throw out something that showed I was doing something for her so text exchange this morning:
Me: Goodmorning. Did you *take care of logistical issue* yesterday? Her: Doing it again today the person I needed was at lunch Me: Thanks. Also, I'm keeping an eye out for *oldest childs* glasses but no luck so far. Her: Ok thanks I did make a new appt for him
So I obviously blew it again last night no matter how I worded it. I won't be bringing up seeing the kids again. I really hadn't thought about the restraining order kind of thing but after reading your posts I understand. I threw in about the glasses b/c of wanting to show that I'm not just expecting her to do for me and me not do for her.
One thing that I had been thinking about is how to detach but keep the door open. I'm realizing my biggest fear is that if I fully detach, say to myself "she's done and it's over", and go about "moving on" and she at any time reconsiders then it'll appear that I've truly moved on and she won't bother seeking out reconcilliation with me. I keep coming off as needy/grabby/creepy/whatever you want to call it right now, but if I fully detach how will she know I'm willing to reconcile?
Last night I did move a few things into the spare room, moved the crib into the spare room, and stripped and folded the sheets from the boys beds.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
One thing that I had been thinking about is how to detach but keep the door open. I'm realizing my biggest fear is that if I fully detach, say to myself "she's done and it's over", and go about "moving on" and she at any time reconsiders then it'll appear that I've truly moved on and she won't bother seeking out reconcilliation with me. I keep coming off as needy/grabby/creepy/whatever you want to call it right now, but if I fully detach how will she know I'm willing to reconcile?
Trust me, SHE KNOWS. This ^^^ (if it makes you feel any better) is perhaps the #1 thing people always ask about DBing. Yes, it's counter-intuitive, but it's basic human "push-pull" dynamics. The more you push something, the more they will pull away from you.
People -- yes, even women -- like the thrill of the chase. We often value most that which is a bit elusive.
Alright, I'm trying to come up with an action plan to really detach and do this right.
1. Avoid "analysis paralysis". 1. Just stick to “don't believe anything they say and half of what I see”, don't try to figure out her actions, and don't attempt to mind read. 2. Only initiate contact when necessary for true business purposes. 1. Always be pleasant and upbeat. 2. Be friendly and brief if she contacts me. 3. Keep cleaning up house and boxing up her stuff. 1. Not telling her to get out. 2. Just allow my own space and she can do what she wants with her stuff. 4. Back off the forums. 1. Not disappear, just back off to avoid analysis paralysis. 2. Journal and read success stories when emotions are flaring. 5. GAL 1. Keep going to the weekly Wed night meeting. 2. Find something, anything, to do on the weekends to stay busy.
Any suggestions are welcome. If she asks about me boxing up her stuff and consolidating it in the spare bedroom how should I handle it?
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
It is the scariest thing to think about moving on with your life without your spouse. Learning to detach is hard. How you start is by moving on with your life as if your spouse won't be in it anymore. Doesn't mean you won't, or don't want them in it, but that you can. You GAL, you act happy around them, you do things because they are good for you. I think your list is good. I had to stop reading about affairs & I refuse to google "separation" now that DH just moved out an hour ago. I can tend to overdue the "info" emersion and swim in that, instead of taking my mind off my sitch.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
That's a pretty unusual numbering system you have on your list, LOL!
Originally Posted By: jzoom
If she asks about me boxing up her stuff and consolidating it in the spare bedroom how should I handle it?
Detached person: "I am so tired of looking at all her crap, I am so ready for this to be out of here. I could use the extra room, and wouldn't it be nice for this place to look a little more clean and orderly, that would make me a lot happier. I think I'll just box it all up and call her and ask her to arrange when she can come by and pick it up."
Clingy/ needy person: "Gosh, I would like to box this stuff up, but what if she doesn't like how I box it? What if she doesn't want me to box it? What will she think? Will she be angry? Should I ask her about it first? Or maybe I should just not do anything for now and see how things go? Maybe she'll see it all here and want to move back? "
