Soul.Searching my way back.

[Soul.Searching]

Thanks Bug. I know your right but I'm finding it difficult to stop thinking along those lines. I've had many, many pity parties these last five months or so. With all the death I've been scared it may not be over. Waiting for it all to pass. A friend actually told me a few months ago that things could only go up from there, well they didn't. I lost more people and pets. I finally realized that no it is not over, it's never going to be over.
Hopefully there will be much bigger gaps in everything but its not over, until its over for me. Death is a part of life and it something we all just have to accept.

My M wasn't healthy. I'm still not sure why I allowed that. H and I were still pretty much kids when we got together. Once I fell pregnant, I grew up. I had a responsibility to my D and my actions affected her.
I feel like my H never did grow up.
I've realized in the last few months that the passing of H's step brother affected H much, much more than I knew. They had only seen each other maybe twice in the thirteen years we were together.
I'm pretty sure H keeps everything bottled up. I don't think he really talk to anyone much about how he is feeling.
He tries to run away from his feelings and that's not healthy.

After seeing H today, mostly I'm feeling sorry for him.
We picked the kids up from school but we had like 8 mins to wait before the bell.
H wanted to go and sign them out early to save 8 mins.
He was complaining that he had to get back "up there" to take the kids shopping for clothes. ( Apparently I'm incompetent as a mother and none of their clothes are acceptable to wear to a party he is taking them to. Maybe he wants hold plated, with diamonds???) anyway I was thinking about that. He has been like that for as long as I can remember. He had almost no patience, ever.

I find that sad. Very sad. He was also having a go at me because I came out of a driveway too slowly. Yeah, really don't miss that back seat driving either.

He was rushing the kids and told them about having to hurry to get to the shops. D9 turned around and said "Well if we are in that much of a rush, we can just go to the shops down here first." H said "no" and ignored D after she asked why.

Seriously, my kids seem to have way more logic than H sometimes.
For the most part, it seems that life is one big, huge rush with H.
I'm enjoying not rushing around these days. I'm enjoying not stressing if I'm a few mins behind. If I'm tired after work, then I just do what has to be done and relax.

Even when we went camping and I set up camp for me and the kids, by myself, it was much more relaxing and less stressful.

It's great to just no rush around and actually enjoy things!

I posted a little before Christmas how I was walking around the shops by myself one day and I just felt this strange calming, happy feeling. It was so peaceful and relaxing. It was fantastic. It might sound weird but I think I was given a glimpse of what life can feel like. It's pretty sad but I don't remember ever feeling so happy and calm like that before.

I do love my H and he can be so sweet and caring but maybe we just don't fit. ( I think it was tumbling who posted about not fitting and it really got me thinking.)

I think that's it, we just don't fit anymore. We had some totally awesome times together. We spoke a lot and enjoyed the same activities but our core morals and values were too different. H is very aggressive and I started to be as well. That's not me. I've never been one to let anyone (except H for unknown reasons) walk all over me. I'm a thinker, H is not so much, well at least he never seemed to be.

I feel I grew up a lot but H just seemed to always be one step forward and two back. We just don't match anymore and that's okay.