no SM, of course we can't answer the "just friends?" question yet. Good grief SM! IT's been a day!
I think you're pushing the touching in terms of frequency. She'll probably pull back, Do you have to go from 1 mph to 50 so quickly?
Just strikes me as a lot all at once...and you ARE attaching it to results, and it shows unrealistically high expectations to even ask what we think after a day or a week, or that it will turn things around so fast.
I worry you are not detaching at all.
^^^^THIS! SM, it also bothers me that you're cataloging every little brush and touch in such great detail, you are looking at everything under a microscope like it's some kind of science experiment! I just picture you reaching out and touching your wife and then glaring at her for a reaction, she's probably thinking "yup, he hasn't changed one bit, unrealistic expectations over every little thing." I'm sure you think you're being stealthy about it, but it's very likely you're unintentionally telegraphing your thoughts to her in this stuff.
Originally Posted By: Crimson
Also, for the love of GOD stop looking for the "if/then" relationships and using her immediate reactions as a barometer. It just does not work that way and you and I both are living examples of the fact that our ability to read our wives basically sux. So try to stop.
^^^^And this! Laurie told you to gauge her reactions and it's fine to do that, but it needs to be over the course of weeks, not hours. And you have just got to drop the expectations that her reaction (or lack of reaction) means anything.
Originally Posted By: Crimson
Yes, it is good that your wife didn't recoil in total horror at your touch....and that she agreed to do something with you. However, you are just seeing the surface and there is still a lot below it.
Just to add to this SM, after BD I did the same as you and even more. I ramped up physical touch, I fed her love through ALL FIVE love languages, I took over ALL duties around the house and I do mean ALL. I did 180's on every complaint she had. The result was she acted happier then she had in months, we got along fantastic, hell even our love-making improved. In MC she said I had transformed into the perfect H. We went from being cold and distant towards each other before BD to being a romantic, loving couple after BD. But guess what, SHE STILL LEFT!!!!! What I was seeing was all surface stuff, what was broiling away under the surface was something else entirely and what is underneath/ inside is what is driving the WAS. You are reading way too much into this and you are vastly underestimating how "done" your W is. You're looking for the tiniest signs of hope and placing all your chips on them. I know what you're doing, I did it too. And it led me to see a marriage recovery that just wasn't there.
Originally Posted By: Crimson
Slow down, man.....I know you want a faster fix, I did too. But you will drive yourself nuts looking for it in the "hidden" signals you may or may not be getting. Keep working on you...give the impression that you are going to be great (if not BETTER) and she is going to miss out on it.
^^^^It's so much easier just to copy these other quotes then type it all up myself
