Your planned trip to Bermuda sounds awesome! No doubt you will have a great time, and enjoy spending time with your family.
I just wanted to say that just because your wife seems happy, it doesn't mean she is. You are definitely NOT what is making her unhappy. She may want to pretend she is living in bliss, but don't fall for it. She can't pretend forever.
I know it's hard to see her "happy". But speaking from someone who has seen the other side of their persona, it is an ugly and sad sight. Such anger and hatefulness towards themselves.
Hang in there. Continue to give her space and focus on you. Keep thinking about that spectacular vacation in June!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
sam, T is absolutely right..just because your wife appears to be happy, that doesn't mean she actually is. They wear masks and right now, she happy as a pig in mud because she's just gotten back from a trip and she wants to brag about it, but pretty soon, that happy little face is going to turn into a disgruntled one. Don't be fooled by any of it.
As for her FB page and photos, I wouldn't let on that I've even been there. The bragging sounds like she wants to rub it in your face, but don't take the bait...she's acting like a pre-teen right now.
I'm glad to see you are planning a trip to Bermuda. I think it's a wonderful way to celebrate the big 50! Go for it and do not think twice about it.
BTW, I would most definitely get lawyer to write up the paperwork and that way everything will be done correctly. I wouldn't go w/the mediator either. She wants to talk to you on her terms and not yours. She most likely didn't have anywhere to go but home, but this is a ploy that they use to keep us off our game.
Put your business hat on when dealing w/the separation/divorce. Leave your emotions at the door when you are dealing w/the splitting of assets, etc.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
@snodderly/tvs – Thanks for your responses, it does help. I’m sure all of the Facebook stuff is to make her the center of attention.
I get it that it's all a mask and she is probably covering up her insecurities and unhappiness. Maybe it’s just the way she is acting that makes me feel that she truly is happy, but from everything I’ve been reading I’m sure it’s her persona is on, but she really does a good job at hiding her fears.
Today I have felt very broken…My spirit, my love, my understanding, my insides, my everything. I’m broken. Is this what it’s all about? I’m so very sad. If this is what I get for being the LBS then I don’t want it. I’m lonely, sad and I want my best friend back. She’s gone and each day and night I have so much pain from this who MLC process. It is hard not to ask God what his plan is for me and why he feels I must endure such pain. I know it’s his plan and he’ll let me know when it’s time to reveal his grand plan, but today I’m just not sure.
Okay, I’m done with the whining for the day…It’s just been a difficult day and I think my empathy button is stuck in the off position for my W.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
She’s gone and each day and night I have so much pain from this who MLC process. It is hard not to ask God what his plan is for me and why he feels I must endure such pain. I know it’s his plan and he’ll let me know when it’s time to reveal his grand plan, but today I’m just not sure.
I hear ya on that one. I keep telling myself to get me through the day that:" The pains of today will become my testimonies tomorrow."
OK so yesterday was a bad day for me. I’m hurting and tired of the process, but I will still stand.
I’m sure that having a meeting with my W on Wednesday is why I am so stressed out. I have all of these things running through my head as to what she wants to talk about. She said a very generic things and the “agreement”. The agreement was the legal separation document that we had written up by the mediator. About a week before she left I said I would not sign it in the way it was written because it left a lot of ambiguity in almost every section. She agreed and we have not spoken of it since.
I guess my biggest fear is that she’s going to take this and say, I want a divorce. I know there is nothing I can do about what she wants, but it is NOT what I want. My real questions here are how do I handle it if she says that she want a divorce and will not take NO for an answer. We live in a state that there is no wait time for a divorce. A legal separation is the same as a divorce except you cannot marry while you are separated and to then obtain a divorce you are required to do the paperwork again.
I have borrowed (ok stole) a few thoughts from reading other peoples sitch and modified them to help me convey to my W if she takes the conversation to discuss her wanting a divorce. 1. I understand you must do what you feel is best, I must also do what I feel is best and at this time I do not feel a divorce is what I want 2. I will not stand in your way, nor will I assist you in your plan for the divorce; I will obtain a lawyer to assist in protecting me 3. I will consider the things you have said, your concerns and your demand for a divorce. I will think about it, but as of right now I do not willing to agree to one
Thoughts??
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
Personally, I would mix #1 and #2 together. I feel for you with the 2 days of waiting for a possible other shoe to drop, such a painful, anxious place.
Hang in there! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Well in about 2 hours I am to meet my wife to find out what the big talk is about. I'm 99% sure this is for her to ask for a divorce and I have little expecation for anything else. It was interesting that she asked to have this meeting in a typically crowded resturant. I guess she doesn't want me to make a scene. I've been practicing my breathing and what I will say if she does demand a divorce. I'll be using a combinantion of:
1. I understand you must do what you feel is best, I must also do what I feel is best and at this time I do not feel a divorce is what I want 2. I will not stand in your way, nor will I assist you in your plan for the divorce; I will take the necessary steps to assist in protecting myself
This is not to pi$$ her off and I don't think this is a reaction, but it is a response to her (if necessary) demand for a divorce.
Please pray for me...I'm scared to death....
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
OK so yesterday was a bad day for me. I’m hurting and tired of the process, but I will still stand.
I’m sure that having a meeting with my W on Wednesday is why I am so stressed out. I have all of these things running through my head as to what she wants to talk about. She said a very generic things and the “agreement”. The agreement was the legal separation document that we had written up by the mediator. About a week before she left I said I would not sign it in the way it was written because it left a lot of ambiguity in almost every section. She agreed and we have not spoken of it since.
I guess my biggest fear is that she’s going to take this and say, I want a divorce. I know there is nothing I can do about what she wants, but it is NOT what I want. My real questions here are how do I handle it if she says that she want a divorce and will not take NO for an answer. We live in a state that there is no wait time for a divorce. as you probably know, the state grants a divorce, so the LBS spouse does not have to consent to it if one spouse wants a divorce. The most an LBSer can do is perhaps delay a settlement of property or dispute custody but that would only slow things down and custody is not relevant to your sitch anyhow.
So you do Not have the power of saying "no" and she can take no for an answer or not, BUT if she wants a divorce, you cannot stop it. Surely she knows this.
But fwiw, I have 2 family members who went all the way thru divorce, only to remarry their ex spouses a few years later. So yes It happens.
A legal separation is the same as a divorce except you cannot marry while you are separated and to then obtain a divorce you are required to do the paperwork again.
make sure of this^^, b/c in this state, a sep was nothing different than being married,
except it prevented my h from mortaging our home or using other assets to "invest" on the frontier.
So It kept our property protected. And I was able to stay insured as were the kids, and I think filing something MIGHT have made a point to him. [b]Not sure.[/b] But make sure you really know what this means in your state. Have you spoken to a div lawyer?
I have borrowed (ok stole) a few thoughts from reading other peoples sitch and modified them to help me convey to my W if she takes the conversation to discuss her wanting a divorce. 1. I understand you must do what you feel is best, I must also do what I feel is best and at this time I do not feel a divorce is what I want irrelevant and argumentative. Just hear her out. She does not need your permission. 2. I will not stand in your way, [s]nor will I assist you in your plan for the divorce; I will obtain a lawyer to assist in protecting me 3. I will consider the things you have said, your concerns and your demand for a divorce. I will think about it, but as of right now I do not willing to agree to one "I HEAR WHAT YOU ARE SAYING."
what is your goal here? TO look LESS Controlling? B/c it's not working.
It's you pretending to have power you do not have. Why?
Why not simply tell her you heard her, that it isn't what you want BUT YOU "GET IT" and leave it at that??
What's with pretending you have any choice? And why tell her you'll get a lawyer too?
*Of course you should hire one, but why tell her?) That makes it seem as if you are trying to get a reaction from her or to manipulate or intimidate her in some way. IF SHE ASKS, which I doubt, then tell her.
Why say it before??
Thoughts??
see above
and don't forget, nothing is written in stone. You may have to release her to her "task" b/c she may see this as a "mission she is on" and you are the obstacle to her happiness.
She might have to discover on her own, that she's incorrect...
The more you resist, the more it persists...don't challenge her choices or keep telling her you do not agree with them.
She KNOWS how you feel.
Plus, it only forces her to defend and solidify those choices.
Keep your "parental" voice more to yourself, so she can hear her own inner voice asking her wth she is doing.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I wish I had seen your message before I met with my W. I’ll give myself a D- for my performance tonight. My W delivered the exact message I thought she would during our meeting. She explained that she wanted to make our separation "more permanent” as she put it. She wants to move on with her life and that she is taking a different path, working on her independence, career, working out, etc. She was almost overly calm about the entire conversation. It was light some of the time. Interesting she limited the times when she said she wanted a divorce, but instead said she wanted to make the separation “more permanent”.
She went onto say something about take all of the other people out of the picture and that she has not been happy for a long time. I said I thought we had got some of this this back a little last year. She said maybe physically but, definitely no connection between us. I guess not when you sharing all of your emotions with someone else (and No I did not say that).
She talked about how we could see a counselor who could help us reach an agreement on the divorce agreement. Meaning helping us agree on the division of property in the divorce decree, nothing about the R. She thinks it might help if we had a third party, just for communicating and agreeing on the divorce property.
I unfortunately went down the R path more than I should. I said I had hope that we could eventually work through our problems. I also said we did not need to rush into anything like a life changing decision such as a divorce. I know, how stupid can I be after reading as much as I have and then mentally trying to keep the conversation away from this. To top it all with a nice cherry, lets ask her if she is sure this is what she wants....Of course it is. I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut, but no not me.
I said that I thought there were options for us such as seeing a MC for six months to see if divorce was our only option. She said she was not willing to do that right now. I asked if divorce was her only option and she said yes. I know I shouldn’t have asked, but I did. I asked if the only way to make her happy was a divorce, I would not stand in her way. I then asked if a divorce was her only option...She had no answer for that and I left it alone.
Will a divorce fix this problem her feelings of unhappiness and she corrected me to say she wants to move forward". She went onto say even if we get a divorce, if people are meant to be together it can happen that they get back after divorce… She said she was not suggesting that this would happen to us, but it does happen? But that is not where she is right now.
I guess I should just quit now and sign the f*ing papers as much as I screw up. I’m tired and disappointed with the way I could not keep to the program.
M-49 W-47 M - 09/2008 T- 09/1994 No Children 4 dogs/2 cats EA 11/2010 Sep 09/2012 (tried in 05/2012 and W came back to work on us) As of now does not want to work on anything but herself...
I wish I had seen your message before I met with my W. I’ll give myself a D- for my performance tonight. that does not make it a permanent grade of a D-.
My W delivered the exact message I thought she would during our meeting. She explained that she wanted to make our separation "more permanent” as she put it. She wants to move on with her life and that she is taking a different path, working on her independence, career, working out, etc. She was almost overly calm about the entire conversation. that's YOUR spin on it...compared to what?? How YOU were feeling? She knows what she thinks she knows...all you know is you are hurt and REACTING...
It was light some of the time. Interesting she limited the times when she said she wanted a divorce, but instead said she wanted to make the separation “more permanent”. I'm glad of that. It lessens her commentary's impact. MAYBE that means she has less certainty but we cannot KNOW...so we cannot assume anything.
She went onto say something about take all of the other people out of the picture and that she has not been happy for a long time. I said I thought we had got some of this this back a little last year. As I said, no need to argue with her comments about HER perceptions now. Totally UNhelpful to you. What you resist, persists...do not forget.
She said maybe physically but, definitely no connection between us. I guess not when you sharing all of your emotions with someone else (and No I did not say that). She talked about how we could see a counselor who could help us reach an agreement on the divorce agreement. Meaning helping us agree on the division of property in the divorce decree, nothing about the R. She thinks it might help if we had a third party, just for communicating and agreeing on the divorce property. I don't see how it could hurt for her to see YOU ACCEPT her apparent choice, And ACT AS IF
meaning you get it! You accept her decision, as terrible (for HER) as it is, and you get it.
YOU, otoh, will be FINE in the long run. AND NOW You finally see this!
You have had, an awakening! You will be fine no matter what she does. You must come to believe this. It must radiate from within you. It may only be then, that she sees the loss she will face by losing you.
See the list of "do's and don't's" for Newbies....
I unfortunately went down the R path more than I should. I said I had hope that we could eventually work through our problems. I also said we did not need to rush into anything like a life changing decision such as a divorce. I know, how stupid can I be after reading as much as I have and then mentally trying to keep the conversation away from this. To top it all with a nice cherry, lets ask her if she is sure this is what she wants....Of course it is. I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut, but no not me.
learn HOW to sthu. It's not easy, I know, but it's NOT complicated either.
I said that I thought there were options for us such as seeing a MC for six months to see if divorce was our only option. She said she was not willing to do that right now. I asked if divorce was her only option and she said yes. I know I shouldn’t have asked, but I did. I asked if the only way to make her happy was a divorce, I would not stand in her way. I then asked if a divorce was her only option...She had no answer for that and I left it alone.
well you did NOT "leave it alone"....you asked the same question several times. The more you corner her or challenge her choices, as I said, the more you force her to defend them and to confirm them. ENOUGH.
Will a divorce fix this problem her feelings of unhappiness and she corrected me to say she wants to move forward". WE do not know. SHE probably does not know. Only time and some true changes on YOUR End, will lead you anywhere.
She went onto say even if we get a divorce, if people are meant to be together it can happen that they get back after divorce… She said she was not suggesting that this would happen to us, but it does happen? But that is not where she is right now. I have 2 family members who divorced and then LATER on, remarried their exes. But none of them planned on that. They ALL changed and evolved. So there you have it. YES it happens but NOT because they planned on it or used tactics to do so.
I guess I should just quit now and sign the f*ing papers as much as I screw up. I’m tired and disappointed with the way I could not keep to the program.
we all grow at our own pace. And it's NOT LINEAR...and it's NOT smooth.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I’ll give myself a D- for my performance tonight. My W delivered the exact message I thought she would during our meeting. She explained that she wanted to make our separation "more permanent” as she put it. She wants to move on with her life and that she is taking a different path, working on her independence, career, working out, etc. She was almost overly calm about the entire conversation. It was light some of the time. Interesting she limited the times when she said she wanted a divorce, but instead said she wanted to make the separation “more permanent”.