Separated, in different states....

[Lampstand]

Thanks for all the posts. Yes, I am very angry about everything and I cannot share these feelings with anyone so I'm dumping it here.

After reading the excellent advice given I realize that I am still trying to control H even now through what I am saying to him. Trying to get him to man up and "do the right thing" by modeling it to him first (apologizing first, asking to R first) like a mother to a child. Still after all this time, I am still doing this. And I hate it.

If you wanna know what it's like go watch that scene from The Godfather where Al Martino is complaining to Don Corleone about that part that he's perfect for. He's whining like a baby and doing face palms. Godfather slaps him around. Anyway, I digress.

It's actually a good step for me to even acknowledge my anger and sadness. I've been denying it for a long time, to keep the peace. I feel like I've been walking on eggshells to keep him from running away again. Hate that about myself.

I wish to be free to be honest. To live authentically. To not care anymore what H is feeling about himself. To not feel like it's my job to build him up. I want to build myself up.

Right now I'm asking myself "Do I even want this man in my life?"

I'm glad I don't have to answer that question tonight.