Keeping my wife from walking out

[25yearsmlc]

Ok, thanks for the advice on giving her space and time.

Why then is she contradicting that?

we don't know. What has your wife SAID SHE NEEDS FROM YOU

that you are not giving her, NOW?

AND in the past?? Pay particular attention to comments she repeats.





She says she needs to feel loved with passion and confidence (where right now she feels none of that from me), and as time goes on she is feeling more lonely.

then you are confusing "Detachment" with being too distant. They are not the same.

Like I say, most previous attempts by me at giving her space have been met with the accusation that I am just avoiding her because I want her to make the first step at showing affection.

2 questions...any truth to that second part? IF SO, lose the scorecard asap.

Keeping score (of the "Wrongs against us" which "love does not keep a record of...") is the biggest obstacle to resolving our marriage problems, imo. There's just no way to stay married HAPPILY if you keep score.

Plus the other spouse has their own score card and on theirs. we are not doing nearly as well as WE thought on OURS...b/c we measure differently and we each attach DIFFERENT feelings and different levels of intensity to each event, some events the other spouse does not even recall, let alone see the same way.

IF you keep score, you can't forgive and if you cannot forgive, you cannot be happy b/c every spouse, no matter how loving, hurts their loved one at some point.

I never saw forgiveness growing up so it IS a learned skill AND it's a process which takes time. How was forgiveness modelled in your childhood?

And as to the first...are you avoiding her and if so, WHY? Don't assume avoiding conflict actually reduces the amount of conflict.

I think conflict avoidance leads invariably to MORE SERIOUS CONFLICT in the long run...

or a very repressed and resentful spouse...


In addition, she says she has a limited time frame--that she can't wait for me for much longer.

Then show more change. What are you waiting for, HER? The LBS spouse has to make the first move, and the second and the next 199...that's how it is. DO now wait for her or for "it" to happen.

Take charge of your life and lead. It's attractive.


When I hear that is when I start to feel somewhat panicked. I'm doing 100% better at keeping that feeling hidden from her in our interactions, but it still follows me at periods throughout the day.

Take a breath. No SINGLE act or gesture or comment or omission will cost you your marriage.

But do NOT show her the neediness now. No clinging. Just leading and showing the passionate desiring on your end, at that. BUT Without needing!

Don't get me wrong, I hate it that my wife feels this way about me now, and I want to do whatever possible to help take those feelings away.


Focus on YOU and YOUR behavior. Do NOT attach results to her reaction or you give her too much power. Do you get this?

I understand most of this is about me, and I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix the unhealthy behavior I have contributed to our marriage. If it means that I have to fully back off and mostly focus on me and the kids then I will absolutely do it. Obviously what I've been doing has not been working. DR has been ordered and is on the way.

I'm not just relying on the book either--I'm doing some serious reflection on the things I did or didn't do that caused my wife to lose respect/feelings for me, and I really think I've made some positive changes in those areas.

I think a lot of things over time will be smoothed out, but I don't understand why my wife feels like the situation is so intolerable right now. Is it the pressure I'm directly or indirectly putting on her? I'm concerned that even though I don't say it, she feels that I am expecting her to just "snap out of it" and realize things are going to be OK. This is what I so desperately need to fix or change, because I think it is at the crux of our current stalemate, and why she feels like she has no choice but to leave.

Oh, for 7720, my daughters are 8 and 4.