Separated, in different states....

[Lampstand]

No legal separation even though I suggested it out of hurt feelings more than a real desire. I told him last night I don't want that. He agreed.

I don't think my actions have been consistent with my words at all. I've justified that because he's done the same thing. I've lived the motto "Monkey see, monkey do." He lied so I lied. He cheated so I cheated. Doesn't make it right. But it's what I did.

I'm still a bit angry that he had me arrested for domestic violence because he was angry that I broke his laptop. He lied to the police (it's in the police report so I know he did) and told them that I was threatening him. why did I break his laptop? Because I was trying to talk to him about something that was causing me a lot of anxiety (my high school reunion) and he couldn't even be bothered to take his darn eyes off the freaking computer. Much like the day I was talking to him about our R and he was looking at pictures of another woman while we were talking. I thought I had worked past those feelings of resentment but they've popped up again since he left. I am so sick and tired of trying to save this man from himself. I am so sick and tired of trying to make him into something. He wanted a career as a professional musician. So I taught myself to play guitar and we formed a band. We actually recorded 2 CDs and got some good reviews in some music magazines. I did it for him. He's never even once complimented me sincerely on my talents. Why? Because he's jealous of all the attention I get. But I sat and listened for 3 years about how such and such woman was a great talent, and that other girl singer was fabulaous......blah, blah, blah. I encouraged him in a writing career. I agreed to work while he stayed home and "wrote" a novel. Yeah, right. He was looking at porn for 8 hours and having emotional affairs. I forgave all that. I spent MY MONEY to send him to rehab. He came home from rehab hating me and his mom totally turned on me for wanting to help him. She's the one that keeps enabling him whenever our M hits the rocks. Yet H is mad at me that I'm not close friends with his mother.

How come all this time he's been unemployed he isn't writing that book? But he complains that my demands for attention from him are interfering with his dream of being a writer. It's BS.

Then on Dec 23 I laid down a new ultimatum, one I thought I could live with. He agreed but once again, didn't keep his word and he ran off to his parents that night while I was at church.

So anyone who says I've been mean to him can kiss my grits. You have no idea what I've put up with to keep this M going. Do you know what it is like to listen to your spouse cry to you "Why didn't so and so love me the way I loved her?" To read his "novel" and it's filled with the names of all his exes but your name is nowhere. To be in a band that seems to be taking off but he's depressed because the other band with that girl he was obsessed with kicked him out 15 years ago? Of how he doesn't understand why his buddy in high school got all the chicks and he didn't. Or watching him get angry because we go to a restaurant and the 20-something douchebags are hanging out with "hot chicks" instead of him. WTF? Hello, you are almost 50 and have a wife sitting next to you. Nothing I did for this man even measured on his radar. And now I found out that even though he knows he dropped the ball in our M he's more upset about his health and the ADULT daughter who really doesn't need him because she's got her head screwed on straighter than him. Our M seems to be the last priority for him and he pretty much said so. He actually said his health is throwing up roadblocks to him addressing his issues. What???? He sprained his shoulder 3 weeks ago and he has pink eye. What does that have to do with dealing with your emotional baggage? Sounds like an excuse to me.

Part of me thinks the only reason he contacted me last night was because he was lonely and wanted sympathy for his eye infection. I could be wrong though.

Why do I want to save the M? Because I don't want to fail. Because I don't want to be without a partner. I married him in the church and cannot marry someone else so I'm stuck with him. My religious beliefs require me to stay married to him. That's not going to change no matter what book or counseling I get. Doesn't mean we can live together though.

So maybe I really don't want him to come back. Maybe I am just feeling some sense of duty. I don't know--my feelings keep changing. One minute I want him back and the next minute I don't.

I just know that I want my life to be different and I believe I can affect those changes myself.