Thanks, stilllookingup. Now that I read your reply, I think by me telling her I can't allow her to take our daughters to her country other than on vacation or during the entire summer is what is really eating her up inside. I think a lot was hinging on her being able to be down there for a whole year.
I was as gentle as possible when I told her I didn't think it was in the best interest of the kids, but she was nearly out of her mind during that conversation. I didn't want to think about it at the time, but I worried that my decision would kill any chance at reconciling with her. Maybe that's what I'm facing.
Her parents live in the states--they brought her here when she was 18. She didn't want to come, and once they got here, she was kind of forced to go to work right away to help support the family (she was the only one who spoke English). I always made it clear how much I admired her for doing all that she did for her family, and now thinking back, maybe I was an escape from all the responsibilities her parents put on her. When I too started putting responsibilities on her because of my depression and self-esteem issues, maybe it all came crashing down.
Wow, I never really looked at our situation from this point of view--I always assumed she knew how much compassion I had. I never validated her feelings much, mostly because she kept them from me. Ouch, this is not nice to feel. I mean, I take a lot of blame for ending up where we are, but this is some entirely new blame to add to it all.
Where do I go from here? I'm not even necessarily thinking about fixing the marriage, but I want to do what is finally right for HER...
I was as gentle as possible when I told her I didn't think it was in the best interest of the kids, but she was nearly out of her mind during that conversation.
Was this really the reason or are you afraid they wouldn't come back? Which is perfectly legitimate but very different from not in their best interests.
Be clear about your feelings and why you do what you do. Would it have been difficult to say that the children going to her home wasn't in your best interests?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't have kids (yet) but I don't think what you told her was wrong. Taking the kids for an entire year seems little bit out of line, whatever her reason is.. My H and I always talked about that before and he was always on board with the idea of sending kids to my country for summers or for a couple of years.. but NOT when they are little, and not when they go like with one of us like escaping.
I agree with labug. Why don't you tell her your honest feelings? Also the best thing I've been doing since D dropped is to trying to see things from my H's perspective - then I started seeing things I never did before just like how you are realizing now.
Forget about what you are going through just for a second, take a long walk alone and think hard what your wife went through this marriage. And then tell her honestly how you feel.
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
Just my 2 cents, but you need to get legal advice ASAP! She is leaving you, her home, and her parents. I have to wonder who is in that other country that is so important to her. Seems as if her immediate family is here. I know what she told you, but it sounds very fishy when she had an A with OM who she has known a long time and who lives there.
Be careful about agreeing to let her take your children, b/c there is a very strong chance that you would never get them back again. A year in the life of a young child is a long time to go without their daddy. If and when they do come back, you realize they will not be the same.
I understand trying to see her POV, however, you better be careful about letting her leave the country with your kids. I've seen women promise the LBH almost anything just to get to leave with the kids, and once that happened, he lost them for the rest of their childhood. Be careful about giving her sole custody....for whatever reason she gives you. Don't give that up. Get a lawyer, and don't sign anything she may present for you, until the lawyer looks it over.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This business about letting W take kids to live in a foreign country is very disturbing to me. As the child of divorce, it pained me greatly that my father let my mother take us wherever she wanted. If definitely told me that he didn't care about me.
Also, I'm wondering what your motive if for letting W do this. Is it a misguided attempt to win her back? Is she having an EA with someone in her home country? That would explain how she "lost her mind" when you initially said no.
This whole sitch is very very concerning to me.
Me: 44 H: 48 M: 4 yrs My EA: 2010 & 2012 Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11 H left 1st time: 10/28/11 Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11 H left 2nd time: 12/23/12 Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
Wow, OK. Thanks everyone for the responses. I am really putting myself in her shoes and trying to understand how she feels/felt. She agreed in September to stop all communications with the OM, and she did. I don't think she ever stopped thinking about him, even though she tried.
She argued that she has never been given a chance to be happy--her parents pulled her away at 18, now she feels stuck here with a failed marriage. Also there is the OM to consider, in a darker sense.
Letting the kids go for a whole year seems unacceptable in any case. They may love it there (i think they do), but uprooting them from their lives here and taking them there to establish roots for a year then uprooting them again seems pretty rough. And being without their dad for an entire year seems rough too--just as rough as being without their mom.
W called to ask me some particulars for our separation, as she's having a mutual friend who works for the local courthouse help get us the forms we need and to get the process started. I've made it clear from the start that I'm an unwilling participant, but I'm going along with it because my W wants to get out, and I will help her do what is necessary to achieve that.
I told her again that I don't want this, and she said she understood, but that she needs it. She also wanted me to understand that to her, legal separation is no different from divorce, except that she can't remarry. This means should she require love from someone, she is free to look for it. And I'm not on the list of people she'd look for.
I reiterated that my goal is to work on and improve myself for the first time in my life, with the hopeful purpose of reconnecting with each other at some point in the future. She said, that's fine, but I need to understand that she is not obligated to feel or do anything with me any more. I understand that, but it's hard to take.
I also learned that my plan to keep our house is probably not going to work. The full amount of child/spousal support she will be eligible for will be too much for me to be able to support both households.
Just feeling pretty down at the moment. Hearing from her the state of her emotions as well as how badly this will affect me financially is rough to take together or separately.
