Emotionally drained and strained. Like I'm back on square one. Also on my DB technique.
It's been one month since Christmas, when W indicated she was open to C together, and so far C as not agreed to it. I'm very disappointed about that.
Friday afternoon/evening we were very chatty...snow here, lots to small talk about.
Saturday, 1/26, morning Friendly texting back and forth about S16 progress and meds. Invited her to dinner with us. See Friday morning exchange in other post above. She didn't respond at all. Presuming she went in to C at that time.
About 2 hrs after I was sure C was done texted "Hello". One word reply "migraine"
I was a [censored] and called her. Didn't answer, texted don't feel like talking. I said just for a sec, called again, no answer, texted "wow".
Emotional state: angry, thinking she's lying about migraine....I know....
45 minutes or so later felt bad about the exchange and my thoughts, texted "I'm sorry you have a migraine. Hope you feel better"
About 10 years ago she had huge issue w/migraines...ER visits, specialists, the nines. Diet all but got rid of them, still gets a few a year as do I.
About 5:30 texted to ask if she was feeling any better and to tell her I was eating at my B w/S20, and D17 and S16 going to friends. Short pleasant exchange how we were both surprised and glad S16 felt like being up and out.
Today, I texted to ask if she was better, after church. She texted back after a couple hours she just woke up, the headache back, nausea. I warned her about the icy conditions expected here at rush hour in the morning.
Asked if I could call. Said she wasn't up for it so I didn't but asked if I could later.
She said ? Have to see how I feel.
I said "I don't feel like I'm asking for much"
No reply.
She comes around, talks positive, about future. Then I try to plan with her, she won't. She says "I hurt everyone I touch" I need clarification on that. I haven't had nerve yet to ask for it.
Not a good weekend.
BTW, she said C told her to "make it hard on him". I presume that means force me to make real changes, and I know, because W told me, it means don't initiate contact as much. I feel like that is cruel.
I hate uncertainty. Life has no guarantees, sure, but at least most people have a plan and can reasonably assume many things. I can not.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Emotionally drained and strained. Like I'm back on square one.
That's because you are running around pursuing her way too hard. Back off a little and try to do some things you enjoy
Originally Posted By: Dm45
It's been one month since Christmas, when W indicated she was open to C together, and so far C as not agreed to it. I'm very disappointed about that.
If W is open and ready for joint counseling, find one that WILL counsel you. Personally, I think you really need to focus on finding one that is TRULY pro-marriage.
Originally Posted By: Dm45
Saturday, 1/26, morning Friendly texting back and forth about S16 progress and meds. Invited her to dinner with us. See Friday morning exchange in other post above. She didn't respond at all. Presuming she went in to C at that time.
Stop asking her to do things. Give her some space and time to figure things out. Stop pursuing her.
Originally Posted By: Dm45
About 2 hrs after I was sure C was done texted "Hello". One word reply "migraine"
stop texting her! Wait for her to initiate.
Originally Posted By: Dm45
I was a [censored] and called her. Didn't answer, texted don't feel like talking. I said just for a sec, called again, no answer, texted "wow".
STOP PRESSURING HER! Even if she would have agreed to speaking, how do you honestly think that conversation would go?
Originally Posted By: Dm45
Emotional state: angry, thinking she's lying about migraine....I know....
You are spending way too much time over analyzing.
Originally Posted By: Dm45
45 minutes or so later felt bad about the exchange and my thoughts, texted "I'm sorry you have a migraine. Hope you feel better"
You HAVE to stop with all the contact. If she wants to speak, text or smell you, she will. Give her space. I understand how you are feeling and it sux. I feel the same way. Unfortunately, we are not going to "talk" our spouses back into the marriage. You honestly need to give her some time to figure things out on her OWN. The only thing you have control over is yourself. Therefore, work on yourself at this time. Make yourself a better husband. Do everything that you need to do to GAL, detach and work on those issues you have personally.
This quote right here pretty much sums it up
Originally Posted By: Dm45
C told her to "make it hard on him". I presume that means force me to make real changes, and I know, because W told me, it means don't initiate contact as much. I feel like that is cruel.
DO THIS....and it's not cruel. The only cruel thing is the fact that you are going to pressure her right out the door. Stop the pursuing and make yourself into that husband that she needs and who you want to be.
Originally Posted By: Dm45
I hate uncertainty. Life has no guarantees, sure, but at least most people have a plan and can reasonably assume many things. I can not.
Tell that to a Cancer patient. Tell that to a parent who has lost a child. Tell that to a homeless man....that's life. Be happy about the positive things you still have in your life. It's not nearly as bad as it could be.
You can: 1) Focus on the GOOD things and more good things will come
2) dwell on the negative and life will pass you by and you will have never enjoyed it.
Stopping attempts at contact is very hard. I pressured my H to leave a month ago and he's initiated no contact with me other than sending me a chat invite after I sent 3 emails. I've thrown him out several times before but I've ALWAYS asked him back. He always comes back and forgives and forgets. But I don't want that marriage back. I want things to be different. I want to be a different wife. I never thought I would miss him. I didn't even think I loved him. At this point I don't even care about the problems. I think about not having his friendship anymore and it hurts so bad. I screwed up. And I don't know if I can fix it.
Me: 44 H: 48 M: 4 yrs My EA: 2010 & 2012 Me arrested for DV: 10/28/11 H left 1st time: 10/28/11 Reconciled after I pursued: 12/21/11 H left 2nd time: 12/23/12 Kids from OR: S16, S10, S8
^^^I could have written Suckerpunch's response I totally agree, you're pursuing and putting way too much pressure on your wife and it's backfiring on you. It's not working, so quit it! Detach. Back off. Give her time and space. Quit calling and texting. You said you're "emotionally drained and strained", that's because you are still depending on your W for your happiness and she's not delivering. You're not going to get it from her. You need to focus on yourself, GAL, work on your PMA. She will not be attracted to a clingy, pursuing you, but she may be attracted to a strong, independent, happy you. That's your goal.
Regarding the counseling, when one spouse is out the door and not interested in reconciling, counseling never works. I would quit pressuring her on that too. If you want to go by yourself then that's perfectly fine, but don't push for joint counseling.
I have applied for at least 100 jobs in the last 2 weeks. 99.9% on-line. 5 human contacts. One was for an IT job...longshot. 2 are retail jobs...entry level but I'll take it. One for labor...I'm fit, but weak since BD...ill take it though.
C told W "If he really wanted a job he'd have one." I took that as a challenge, followed up on apps in person and scored 3 interviews next week.
This is my GAL. W says me working, no matter where, will give her respect for me and help her believe in me again. (I work my business every evening, to fulfill the lease, bond, and a few bucks for us)
It will help my PMA, too.
W was here today.
Says she thinks C is trying to get her to be independent. I think she is, we need to be interdependent. W says she's to weak for that because she doesn't set boundaries. I think I understand.
Says me getting ajob won't be a magic pill, we need to take steps. I agreed. Said I am taking a step and I want you to take a step.
I wish I knew what all the steps were and when she is going to make one.
Her family invited me to Super Bowl party, said to invite her. She doesn't really contact them much I think. I told her about the invite, she says they ostracize her...she is the one who left every relationship she has... I just shake my head at the amount of hostility and blame she has for everyone but herself.
Emotionally, I can just about get numb...sometimes. If I get too positive I crash hard. I save the ups for when she's around. I feel best when totally exhausted and falling asleep. But I don't sleep for long. Honestly I am tempted sometimes to drink myself to sleep. I've never done that and consider drinking alone to be shaky ground.
W mentioned forgiveness today. Said that's what it all boils down to. I said yes, true. I need forgiveness. She said she thinks she is forgiving me. I didn't pursue.
Time to go work.
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
How do you respond when people tell you how to live your life? Or when people judge and blame you?
if we are not close, I try to ignore. If its my w or someone I trust I try to evaluate it honestly and see if I need to change. At least that's what I think I should do and try to do.
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What if you just enjoyed the time with your W when she is at your house, allowed her to enjoy herself?
I cook for her, we laugh, have a good time. Then she leaves and it hurts.
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If your current actions are showing her what it might be like to reconcile, do you think she'll ever seriously look your way?
i think I'm a little dense tonight...be more specific?
Me 46 W 43 S 21 D 18 S 17 M 22 yrs Discovered OM 9/10/12 W moved to sister's 9/15/12 W moved to OM 9/27/12 Tried to DB until 7/13 W filed 10/7/13. Did not serve. I counter filed 12/2/13.
Says she thinks C is trying to get her to be independent. I think she is, we need to be interdependent.
Instead of disagreeing with the C, say nothing.
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Says me getting ajob won't be a magic pill, we need to take steps. I agreed. Said I am taking a step and I want you to take a step.
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she says they ostracize her...she is the one who left every relationship she has... I just shake my head at the amount of hostility and blame she has for everyone but herself.
I wasn't there but that doesn't sound hostile. She can choose who she spends time with. You judge every decision she makes that you don't agree with and I would guess this is part of the reason she's gone.
Can you let go of that need to control long enough to see that you aren't the only one hurting?
You are still consistently trying to change her. STOP or you will blow your chance.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I totally agree, you're pursuing and putting way too much pressure on your wife and it's backfiring on you. It's not working, so quit it! Detach. Back off. Give her time and space. Quit calling and texting. You said you're "emotionally drained and strained", that's because you are still depending on your W for your happiness and she's not delivering. You're not going to get it from her. You need to focus on yourself, GAL, work on your PMA. She will not be attracted to a clingy, pursuing you, but she may be attracted to a strong, independent, happy you. That's your goal.