Separated, in different states....

[Lampstand]

Last night H sent me an IM out of the blue. I kept it very light & breezy (to use a "Rules" term) and had great PMA. He was complaining about his health (typical self-pity talk from him) and I gave lots of sympathy. In the past I wouldn't do that but I figured "Why not". It doesn't hurt me in anyway to say "poor baby" and all that stuff. It's a 180 for me. He wanted to know what was going on in my life (good sign) and I talked about making big decisions. He perked up then. Wanted to know what was keeping me so busy lately (too busy to chase you?). Told him I was faced with trying to start a business or getting a job. We chit chatted about things and then I just put it out there, casually:

"Say, I've had a lot of time to think about things and the truth is that I value our marriage very much. I don't want to end our marriage and I don't want to have separate lives. But I need this time apart to figure things out."

He agreed and then opened up and shared things with me about himself:

"Well, I'd like to establish a better relationship with my daughter. I've been a little open with her about things we've gone through; nothing detailed or scandalizing, but just that we're people with problems. I didn't go into detail or say what exactly those problems were, but it's embarrassing for a parent to admit to shortcomings. I have a problem with articulation, so bear with me...I don't like the idea/habit of running off when there are problems but I don't know where to turn at times.It's just manly man things that I don't do that I should do. For some reason, it takes a long time to get it into my head as to what the right thing is. I always triple check myself when I probably shouldn't. I have a brain and I have guts and the two are in eternal combat."

It was nice that he shared these things and I am glad he's doing some introspection and owned up to these things. However the best news is that I didn't try to psycho-analyze it for him and explain why he does this (another 180--yay!)

We agreed to keep in contact. And...I signed off first. Yay!!!

Baby steps.

So now I know what I need to do. He sees himself as the WAH so that clarifies that I must go very very dark and never pursue. He has "dependent personality" issues so I have to be careful that he isn't trying to set me up to "rescue" him from the consequences of his behavior (running away). I figure in the next few weeks living with mommy & daddy is going to get really boring and tiresome. Valentine's Day is sure to bring a lot of emotion for him as it's always been a special day to him.

So I know what I need to do:

1. GAL!
2. Never contact him first
3. Keep working my program of recovery
4. Move forward in my life AS IF I will never see him again
5. Be receptive to his advances, keeping it brief and maintaining PMA
6. End convo first
7. Let him establish a time table for reconciliation
8. Learn and live Sandi's 37
9. Enjoy my children--they will grow up too soon
10. Keep posting here and reading other's posts

Well that's about it. I feel very good today about these decisions. I feel like I have more direction, more control over myself and my life.

It feels SO GOOD to not need H to come home right now. That is enormous growth for me. I would like to reconcile but not if it means going back to status quo.

Baby steps!!!!!!!!!!!