Is it humanly possible to drop the rope?

[AntoniaB]

Well in keeping with "not being able to drop the rope", I have to be honest with at least a few people today, and you guys are the ones I can be honest with.

It's my birthday and all I can think about is how I'd feel good about it if my XH told me happy birthday. This happens every year. I feel like my birthday might be the worst day of the year for feeling this tie to him, even worse than our wedding anniversary.

This is what happens. I wake up, go, it's my birthday, then immediately feel like crap because I'm not married to him anymore. Then I feel like the rest of the day will entail me having to walk around and act happy when people tell me happy birthday, but inside I feel awful. So then I feel guilty for not being happy. I've got all these friends saying happy birthday, my family saying it or sending a card, and it's like despite all that I am still sad because XH is not saying anything to me. That sends me into a guilt-laden spiral where I think really? I'm letting ONE MAN'S ABSENCE color everything? And well, yes, I am. Still. 3 years plus later, I'm still letting that take over, and I feel powerless to deny it.

People keep saying "do you have plans for your birthday?" Well, no. What am I going to do other than go to work. Go out alone? I don't mind going out alone other days, but today? I feel like a bit of a loser, quite honestly. I'm tired of having to make up my own isolated celebrations for things. How many years is this going to persist, the rest of my life? Cause it's 3 years plus now and I never thought it would be that long.

So there it is, I'm in a huge pity party today of my own making and it happens every year, and I guess the upshot is I'm just not a fan of my birthday because it makes me feel terrible that XH is gone. Vent over ;-)