ScaredSilly, LittleGTO and Tori thanks for your input.
It was hard for me to cancel the meeting but I realised I needed to do that to keep my Self in my happy place. I want to be kind to H but I want to be kind to my self too. I don't believe it would have done either of us any good to see each other and there is no need to do the asset stuff yet.
Journalling Yes, Tori, I have made my decision and I am sure about it. I don't want a R with H anymore/again. It wasn't making either of us happy - we had been limping along for many years before he dropped the bomb and we would have limped on for I dont know how long if he hadn't - both of us being miserable. Nothing would've changed - we just don't fit right. No matter how much I/we wanted us to - we don't. And hanging with NM just highlights it. So I am at peace with the decision to call it a day and would be whether NM was in my life or not.
I was surprised at my emotional reaction to H's response to me canx meeting and I have been wobbly since. Not wobbly re decision but wobbly emotionally. It is just incredibly sad still that it didn't work out.
I guess I have been so busy GAL and hanging out with NM that I haven't looked at the marriage I am leaving behind for sometime. The recent interactions with H reminded me of what I had wanted. Even tho I hadn't been happy for a long time, I never stopped hoping that somehow it would work out in the end. BUT I know with hindsight that it wasn't right - right from the moment we moved in together - and I know from being honest with my self why I didn't leave before we got married. I found a diary from 2001 recently and all the stuff that I was unsettled by throughout our relationship was what I was experiencing even then but I stuck in it and I have learned that things will get as good as you can stand. And I am raising the bar. I know what I want in my life and from a R now.
I don't know what the sadness is that I am feeling - sorry for my Self, sorry for H or sad for the marriage - maybe a mixture of it all. So I am letting the feelings come and pass through me. Guess that's all I can do.
Tomorrow I am sending the petition to the court with the marriage certificate. I wonder how I will feel when I do that.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
