maybe just let him know, sorry, but you're not comfortable meeting with him and would prefer to handle this via the mail and electronic messages. you aren't obligated to tell him why. it's just what you prefer. you don't have to make him happy anymore. you have to take care of yourself. he'll get the point.
anyway, it's not up to him, is it? you are your own person and decide what you want and whom you wish to be around.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Tumbling, your H is definitely avoiding the D talk, but I am not sure if it's bc he doesn't want to bother with it. I think he's afraid. He's afraid of losing you officially, he's afraid of being officially alone.
You have made your decision to move on, so it's true, you don't need to see him. You sure about your decision, right? I'm asking bc sometimes decisions can change and that's okay. I'm throwing it out there just in case. Only you know what's in your heart and what you want to do with your life.
ScaredSilly, LittleGTO and Tori thanks for your input.
It was hard for me to cancel the meeting but I realised I needed to do that to keep my Self in my happy place. I want to be kind to H but I want to be kind to my self too. I don't believe it would have done either of us any good to see each other and there is no need to do the asset stuff yet.
Journalling Yes, Tori, I have made my decision and I am sure about it. I don't want a R with H anymore/again. It wasn't making either of us happy - we had been limping along for many years before he dropped the bomb and we would have limped on for I dont know how long if he hadn't - both of us being miserable. Nothing would've changed - we just don't fit right. No matter how much I/we wanted us to - we don't. And hanging with NM just highlights it. So I am at peace with the decision to call it a day and would be whether NM was in my life or not.
I was surprised at my emotional reaction to H's response to me canx meeting and I have been wobbly since. Not wobbly re decision but wobbly emotionally. It is just incredibly sad still that it didn't work out.
I guess I have been so busy GAL and hanging out with NM that I haven't looked at the marriage I am leaving behind for sometime. The recent interactions with H reminded me of what I had wanted. Even tho I hadn't been happy for a long time, I never stopped hoping that somehow it would work out in the end. BUT I know with hindsight that it wasn't right - right from the moment we moved in together - and I know from being honest with my self why I didn't leave before we got married. I found a diary from 2001 recently and all the stuff that I was unsettled by throughout our relationship was what I was experiencing even then but I stuck in it and I have learned that things will get as good as you can stand. And I am raising the bar. I know what I want in my life and from a R now.
I don't know what the sadness is that I am feeling - sorry for my Self, sorry for H or sad for the marriage - maybe a mixture of it all. So I am letting the feelings come and pass through me. Guess that's all I can do.
Tomorrow I am sending the petition to the court with the marriage certificate. I wonder how I will feel when I do that.
ME41 H39 T12 M9 Ilybinilwy 10/2010 H moves out 11/2010 H moves in 09/2011 out 11/2011 Try to fix it alone, give up 07/2012 Tumbling to file 02/01/2013 :-) "Strong on the inside, soft on the outside"
Tumbling, It does sound like you are where you need to be right now.
SIgning these final papers/getting a D is something NOBODY wants to ever have to through. It is a failure for us. It is not one person's fault, but it is a failure none-the-less, and it is sad to recognize this. I say this not to make you feel bad, but I know you own your part in what went wrong. That's how we grow and learn and change.
I think once you get all this finalized you'll move through this sadness and it will return less and less often until one day it is a distant memory that led you to a better, happier, healthier place w or w/o a new R.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Tumbling, I'm sending you love and a big, comforting hug. Good news: you're sure about your decision and you know what you want out of a R. Not so good: you are grieving. But this sad phase will eventually end.
I'll be thinking about you. Good luck filing those papers. (((((((((((())))))))))))
Hi Tumbling thank you for your updates. I think no matter what or where you are in the process, ending a marriage will always bring sadness.
Good luck and know you are loved
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I still think of everyone who I met on this Forum and remain grateful for your support.
It has been two months since I last posted an update. I am doing really good.
Divorce process has moved quicker than anticipated even though H stalled when he received the service papers/petition in the post. He couldn't bring himself to open the envelope for over a fortnight. I have applied for the decree nisi a week ago so when that is through I just have to wait 6wks and a day to apply for absolute.
We still haven't done anything about joint assets. I couldn't handle putting the house on the market at the same time as I started the divorce process but intend to make a start on that next week so that everything is agreed before applying for the absolute.
I don't really think of H at all and have no interest in seeing him or being buddies - we haven't seen each other since the night we went to the cinema in October. We communicate by text/email and only about admin matters.
Emotionally, I am surprised at where I am but I guess most of my grieving for my marriage happened during the two years of attempting to reconcile.
Things are still great with newman. We are still taking things slow. I feel very safe and able to be my self around him. I continue to learn to own and express my needs/feelings - something that I stopped doing in my R with H very early on.
I check in on my self regularly and if something doesn't feel right, I raise my hand. This is occuring across all areas of my life. E.g a couple of weeks ago I took a woman aside at work that has always appeared to have issues with me and asked her how we could improve our working relationship because things clearly weren't right and I found her attitude to be upsetting. She admitted she didn't like me and knew she was cruel to me in meetings - we agreed to try other ways of being around each other. I am realising my value/self worth, I guess.
My biggest realisation is that for a long time I watched my H for a sign he was coming back/going to love me like I thought he did in the early days instead of looking at what was right in front of me and what he was actually doing. Now my eyes are firmly on me. I remain grateful for this journey as I have learned so much about me for having gone through it.
