Thanks for the reply Wendylon. I know an email or a text is reaching out to her but when I hear my W say to my Mum 'We could get back together but a year down the line we'd be breaking up again' it really upsets me. She doesn't know this! I've worked hard to get where I am but still feel so low.
Thanks again - I won't send her anything and will keep it strictly business (kids) until she feels the need to talk.
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
Why can't she identify that you've changed? Have you really changed or are you acting at being changed to win her back? Whatever her reasons for leaving the M, I'm sure it's been going on for longer than 14 weeks so it will take longer than that for her to begin to believe that this is not an act.
My devotion to fire service is one of her bug bears and it is a big commitment. She was always moaning that I did to much round 'the station' but when we separated she said she didnt want me to give it up.
When you "change" part of that is changing not only what you're doing but what you're thinking. Is the above typical of how you would think about your W's concerns-she was always moaning. Why would she talk to you now if she thought you would think of it as more moaning.
My hat's off to you for working the fire service but did you spend too much time there? Did you need to be there as much as you were? Was it worth not spending time with W and kids? Was the firehouse your EA, your addiction? Workaholics get served D papers everyday.
When you S it no longer mattered to her where you spent your time.
As far as the family connections, tell your family you don't want to hear about what W is doing.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I think labug is spot on in everything she says in her post to you.
It would make perfect sense for your W not to care what you do now you're S but for her to have resented it before. She would probably see you quitting the fire service now as too little too late given her current frame of mind. She might even not care anymore. I'm not saying that she can't change but the journey is likely going to be slow, hard and long.
Good job keeping things strictly business for now.
When you think of your W's 'moans' from the past, what were they about?
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
I totally understand what your saying regarding the Moaning part and have read it on here before about how we interpret how others speak to us e.g. Wife and yeah I think I did see it as moaning from her because of the way she said it, her actions after, how heated the conv would get. But by DBing and reading these boards, when I get the chance to sit and speak to my W I will show her I can listen, validate and respond in a calm manner but theres the problem, at the moment she doesn't want to know hence she will never see a change in me!
Originally Posted By: labug
My hat's off to you for working the fire service but did you spend too much time there? Did you need to be there as much as you were? Was it worth not spending time with W and kids? Was the firehouse your EA, your addiction? Workaholics get served D papers everyday.
You don't know the half of it! It wasn't just a FT job, a PT Firefighter I had commitments at the local social club as the Club Treasurer (a PT job in itself, weekly banking etc) and I ran a football prediction league. Looking back I know these were all things that damaged the M but apart from the prediction league they were paid jobs and bought extra income in so the kids could have nice things and we wouldn't want for anything! And before you say it I have looked back, I look back daily and beat myself up because I know my W and Kids only really wanted their H/Dad to be there for them. I realised, probably to late that these extra jobs were to much and gave them up when I could. The reason Im still a PT firefighter is because W has left and it goes towards one of my GAL activities (rightly or wrongly) but would drop it like a stone if I thought the end result would bring W closer.
My family know my stance and don't talk to me or ask me anything about the M (I only talk to my Mum) but I know she has recruited certain members of my family who invite her out
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
When you think of your W's 'moans' from the past, what were they about?
Generally my commitment to others! I find it hard to say no if someone asks my for help and thats the way I am whether it is help moving furniture (I have a flat bed pickup) or covering someones shift round the station at a weekend (I'd only do this if we didnt have plans). But yeah looking back I didn't have time for my family, gutting really. And prob something I can't 180 on either!?
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
So here's the bigger question-why can't you say no to people? What hole are you trying to fill.
This is probably a big part of the issue. Have you read Co-dependent No More? I think it would be helpful for you.
Quote:
W I will show her I can listen, validate and respond in a calm manner but theres the problem, at the moment she doesn't want to know hence she will never see a change in me!
Remember I said you have to change your thinking. If you truly change she will find out about it, especially since you have so much family in common. In the future when she feels safe, she may talk to you more, at least about kid issues.
The goal is, you change and ALL your Rs change. You become a person who can have a healthy R and they may or may not be with your W.
You work on you, let her work on her.
And about going to the pub, maybe she has one and that's it. Or maybe her friends buy for her. Stop judging. Is her spending a few bucks at the pub any worse than you spending all your time away from the family?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So here's the bigger question-why can't you say no to people? What hole are you trying to fill.
Thinking about it its not a matter of not being able to say no but I was always quick to offer my services without getting approval from my W. If I was needed I wouldn't mention it until the time came but by then W had arranged something and would say oh sorry Im needed at such and such. So if anything there was communication issues as well.
I have read up on Co dependancy and there are some striking similarities to how I act and feel etc. I have ordered the book from Amazon anyway, thanks for the recommendation.
Regarding change - I'm struggling. I've identified area's in my life with a IC but change how I think? Sounds like I need re-wiring!
Ref. her drinking - I can't control that and Ive always known she likes a drink but now we live under separate roof's my concern is the kids, who has them/where are they staying etc
Thanks again
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
Well I saw W this morning. She was driving past my house as I was walking to my car, there was no wave of acknowledgement, no smile, she didn't even slow down so my S3 could wave. I havent felt this low in ages!
Why has she cut me off, no communication etc. When she BD she said in the future I'd like us to be friends, do stuff with the kids etc which I'd love right now but it all seems like lies just to walk away that bit easier
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
About the above ^^^ you can't take this all so personally because most of it is about her, not you. You need to live in your head, not hers.
That's what the no expectations is about.
About the drinking and your kids, does your W drink daily? Does she drink to excess daily? Would she put the kids in an unsafe situation to drink? If so you have other problems to figure out.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm pretty sure she doesn't drink daily only if there was a relatives birthday party etc but she definitely drinks to excess when she does drink. Since our S I have been at the same social club as her once, the kids were in her care although I enjoyed there company, spent time with them etc by the time I had to leave she was drunk and I did wonder if leaving the kids with her was the right thing to do? She has friends that are single with no kids and drag her out, sometimes my kids are in my care so no problem but if they are not and 'she's being dragged out' I worry that anybody could be looking after them. One weekend all 3 kids were at different carers!
Regarding no expectations - are you saying I should do my bit but don't expect anything back?
Thanks again
M - 37 W - 35 T - 11 M - 5.5 SD13 D10 S4 ILYBINILWY 15 Oct '12 Moved out 7 Dec 12 At present - Being the best dad i can be.
