Soul.Searching my way back.

[Soul.Searching]

Back to the beginning: the good the bad and the ugly.

I've known my H since I was a very small child. We got along pretty well and he had asked me out several times. I always said no because he had a temper. He was a little turd. ( so was I lol) it was mainly his aggression that turned me off, that and the fact that he thought he was king sh1t (He still does.)

Anyway I hasent see him for a fair while and then when I had no long turned 16, we seen each other at a party. He had grown! He seemed a lot calmer and nicer, I really liked him. I always had but hated the anger plus him being a couple of years older, was ready to start dating before me.

Anyway, he gave me his phone number and told me to call him. I turned the paper over, wrote my number and told him " No, you call me."
A few days later he did. We met up and he wanted to jump right in to a relationship. I took things slowly but he was always at my house, he never left.

We both smoked pot... Daily.,, he was very sweet, kind and loving. Nothing like the tormented, angry little boy I used to know. Well pretty early on in the relationship I caught him lying to me ( He is a terrible lier, forgets his stories.)
And I told him to go, we were done. He begged me to take him back and I did. I thought he would change. This happened quite a few times in the first few years but he really was so sweet and caring. He had angry outburst here and there but they were few and far between.

He wanted a baby. We had not been using protection for quite a while and he was worried because I hasent fallen pregnant. I was young and dumb and just thought it wouldn't happen for ages.
Then it did! I fell pregnant when I was 19 YO. H was so excited but then after a month or so he started asking how I fell pregnant, started saying we had not even done it around that time. I never ever cheated on H, it was his baby.

Oh, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, we both quit the pot. H asked me to marry him. I was worried he only wanted to get married because I was pregnant, I didn't want that. H assured me that he had been thinking about it for ages and that me being pregnant only speed things up. I was about seven months pregnant when we got married. I was just 19 years old.

On our wedding night he told me that he had been talking to a girl on the train everyday and she gave him her phone number but that he threw it out...
He was so drunk by the time we got to the motel room. He was asleep about 10 mins after arriving.

He changed almost instantly. He began being aggressive, told me he would leave me. I had terrible back pain while pregnant. I used to ask H to give me a massage but he wouldn't and he would guilt me in to giving them to him instead because he had been out working doing physical labour.
I was carrying our baby and he would call me fat etc
He used to tell me if the baby wasent a boy, then it was not his.
I was so worried about his reaction if our baby was a girl. One of the first things I said to H after she was born was "Are you happy?" He said of course but that was such a terrible feeling.
He slept most of the labour too.

I had the sudden death of a very close realitive when my D was just a few weeks old. H was very supportive but then one day, we were about 45 mins away from home and our baby daughter was crying and crying. I made H stop the car so I could feed her. He list it, he didn't see why she couldn't either just wait 45mins or why I couldn't hold her on my lap and feed her while he drove home.

He used to go to work, come home, hold the baby for 5 mins, eat and go to bed, ignoring me. I remember lying on the bed next to him crying and asking him to talk to me, to tell me what I had done. He would just ignore me or tell me to F off.
This went in for months, until I just gave up. I didn't go in to the room, didn't ask him what was wrong. Then when he got no reaction, he stopped doing it.

D was only a few months old when I found out I was pregnant again.
H never came to any of the ultrasounds dr appointments for either child.
He was always at work. I arrived home from the ultrasound with S and told H it was a boy, I thought he would have been excited but he just said "So"

H wasent interested in their Bdays or anything like that. He went to work, came home to eat/ shower and would go to the neighbors house to hang in his garage.
He would come and go so fast and I was left with my kids crying for their Daddy. It used to break my heart.

When he was home he was angry. I remember one point that lasted months and months where I would go and lock me and the children in their bedroom, just to avoid him yelling and screaming at my babies.

He used to go on holidays quite a lot but never with us. I was done I was ready to end it but he slowly started changing, or so I thought.

We did end up going on holidays a fair bit and he could actually start to handle the children. They would have been about four and five by the time he slowly started being more than a passing fly in their childhoods.

He was very rude to me in public, saying things like "Yeah W is okay, unfortunately " saying how he wished he had never married and had children.

He could be so sweet when he wanted to be. Would do anything for anyone. Except me, it seemed.

If I went to visit the lady next door, he would come and abuse me in front of everyone because the kids were hungry, dirty or needed a bath. It never occurred to him to do it himself.

He abused me if I wasent home when he wanted a lift or wanted me to check something for him.

Eventually I just stopped going out unles he was not with me. He used to go out a lot though. The lying continued and I noticed he lied to everybody, not just me. Mostly about the pettiest things.

On the few occasions I did go to the pub with H he was always telling other women how he like to satisfy the other person in bed (yeah right) they would always ask me if I was really his wife, if he was really talking like that in front of his own wife.

I lost trust in him. I resented that he could go out whenever he wanted and I couldn't. I started having a go at him for going out.

He spent so much money threw out our marriage too. He had to have the best of everything. I was sick of living week to week and struggling.

We fought mostly about money and him going out. I was jealous of the way he acted towards other girls. I didn't trust him.

He was so darn sweet when he wanted to be and that's what always lured me back in. I loved him, I loved him so much.

The last 18 months or so nothing I did was ever good enough for him, nothing.
I tried, I tried so hard.

Then I think I just gave up. Then he dropped the bomb and I was left devistated, in a place darker and scarier than I ever knew was possible.

I didn't see how much I let H control me. I convinced myself that if H wasent going somewhere than I didn't want to go either. I see now it was to avoid the abuse.

I don't know why I let him treat me like that. I don't know why I stayed when I had no trust. I knew I was never going to get anywhere money wise with H around.
I don't know why I couldn't see things clearly before and the scariest part of all,.., I don't know why I want him back.

Just tonight he abused me because I asked him to pay his child support.

I obviously have issues to have allowed this relationship to be so toxic but I just don't know what they are. I just don't know.