Help/Advice needed please...

[Intact]

You listed the following:


My 180s
Financial management/competence
Getting fit
No nagging
Housework - cooking cleaning etc.
Always chatting to her - small talk

GAL - joined a fitness club, joined a cookery course, starting to teach photography, new hobby - film making.

If there's anything else I could add to my 180si would be happy to do so - but these were her main complaints,


According to you earlier, your wife said that you two had "poor communication, lack of touch except for sexual reasons, and not helping with the house".

On one hand, I think your GAL are good. They involve you meeting new people who don't know your situation, which means you won't obsess as much, and having a PMA (positive mental attitude) will be much easier to have. And that's appealing.

Plus it makes you more interesting and more intriguing. You want to be LESS predictable, while still presenting as a reliable father to your son. Do you get this?

ON the other hand, what are you doing to show her that you can be playful and affectionate WITHOUT it being foreplay?


You need to show her that you can GIVE affection without expectation of sex. Can you see why? Do you know how?

Like giving her a back rub? Or a flirtatious pat on the behind or on her back? And a compliment, but without pursuit? You have to do so without attaching anything to the results. Hugs are good if you can do them without lingering.

I concede It can be a balancing act, but it's something that would be new and different from you, correct?

What's up with your communication with her now, also? She mentioned it to you, and I suspect it matters more than you realize. Don't leave it out of the list.

How about making full eye contact with her whenever she speaks?

Can you re=cap what she tells you right after she talks?

I suggest you re-cap TO HER, what she tells you so that you know you are clearly understanding her

and that what she says, MATTERS to you...and if it's different behavior from you, all the better.

Try NOT to focus on whether she's a WAW or in MLC. It's a waste of time.

Why? B/c YOUR course of action is the same, regardless of what she's doing or feeling or if she's a WAW or an MLCer. You need to grasp this.

Here are some things my DB coach told me to do, which I think can apply in your situation.

You must detach, GAL, and be an upbeat interestED (LISTEN WELL) and interestING (GAL) man.

you must become a man only a fool would leave.

A man who lovingly interacts with his child, moves the mother of that child.

NO woman is untouched by that. So be the best father you can be now.

When she speaks to you of her life (other than OM comments, if any)
you need to listen like a lover. CARE about what she's telling you. Validate her perceptions or emotions without immediately suggesting a fix or solution.

For instance, When a woman tells her h about a problem with a co-worker, or a boss, if the h tells her to "just quit the job if you hate x so much"

here is what the wife hears...

"there, be quiet now b/c I fixed your problem with my obvious solution. Now STOP talking about the problem even if you're still upset, b/c I'm not interested in hearing about it nearly as much as shutting you up"...and when a husband suggests what HE thinks the solution is, he's surprised his wife isn't happy.

She's not stupid. She'll have thought of quitting too. The obvious answers are not lost on her.

But she wants to express how she feels, and that's a PROCESS. Sometimes all she wants from her friend or partner, is for him to listen to her, and let her feel her way through it. Not "fix it". Not shut her up.

Let her talk and don't tell her she "should not" feel how she feels. Feelings are realities. Telling her she should not be upset or mad, isn't validating and That's like telling her she should not be short. She feels what she feels. And that changes b/c we all have emotions that shift and evolve.

What she says today MIGHT not be true at all, but even if it is, things change. if you asked me in '06 what I thought would happen in my m, I'd have said we have a "10% chance of making it". Nothing is written in stone.

Thanks for this it's excellent advice...

I am listening to my wife and constantly making eye contact as far as the physical touch goes, that's near on impossible - she wouldn't want me to touch her in any way at all at e time being. In fact if I did touch her back or something I suspect she would just tell me not too.

We are having a few issues at the moment with custody of our child as well which won't help. At the moment we have him 50/50 but I can see it really isn't working for him and he needs more time at home. This is something I obviously have to deal with because its in his best interests, but ultimately it will only serve to push her further away.