You want a decent R with your teen. You're trying to back off and let them have some space and do their own thing whether you approve of all of it or not. You give them a credit card and tell them they are allowed to use it for gas purchases only. You get the statement and find that there are other things charged than just gas. You confront them and they tell you that it was a one time thing. You're not in the mood for excuses, you tell them that if it happens again they lose the credit card.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
You want a decent R with your teen. You're trying to back off and let them have some space and do their own thing whether you approve of all of it or not. You give them a credit card and tell them they are allowed to use it for gas purchases only. You get the statement and find that there are other things charged than just gas. You confront them and they tell you that it was a one time thing. You're not in the mood for excuses, you tell them that if it happens again they lose the credit card.
Let me explain something to you from my own sitch. My W accumulated about 15k in CC debt early in our M without me knowing about it. This after I had talked to her about how important it was to me to always pay CC's off every month because CC debt is the most expensive, debilitating form of debt there is. We talked about it, redid our finances and without me knowing, she immediately started doing it again. It went on for many years and was over 80k by the time I found out. That time I took her CC's and cut all but one up and had her call that one and reduce the limit to 2k. What I didn't know is this caused her to feel like a child being scolded by an adult, and she felt like she had to always walk on eggshells around me. It was the biggest contributing factor to why she left. I realize now that I should have sat down with her and had an adult-to-adult conversation with her and gotten her input into how she thinks it should have been addressed, and we should have worked it out as a team instead of me telling her what she was going to do.
When I read your description above it reminds me a lot of how I treated W on a similar issue, I communicated to her like a parent to a child rather than adult-to-adult. A lot of people would read what I did and think I was justified in my response. Perhaps, but like the saying goes, do you want to be right or happily married?
Very interesting, though this isn't actually CC it is very similar. What you're describing is what my ex has complained of in the past, that I treat her like a child and that she feels like she is walking on eggshells around me and has anxiety, stress, and depression as a result.
I actually felt really crappy at home last night about the whole thing. I had a hard time falling asleep and this morning it was the first thing on my mind. I wanted to apologize and I was thinking about what MrBond said about respect. I was basically struggling with the "be right or happy" issue.
If this goes bad it can really bite me in the ass, so being right has a point there. If I hold firm on this I feel like it's just going to further drive her away, and I think I was getting sick feeling last night knowing that what happend just re-inforced her feelings that I'm an a-hole and she's better off without me, which is against being happy.
If I loosen up on this then I take some serious personal financial risk. If I apologize and offer to hear her out on alternate solutions she might soften towards me but it might also just be me feeding her cake eating. And then there's the issue of once you give an ultimatum of any sort, if you back down you've lost all respect.
Another issue I was having this morning is that my gut instinct was to apologize. Then I thought to myself that it seems my gut instincts haven't been doing me any good and so I should do a 180 and hold firm. That an angry reaction isn't always a negative change.
I'm now sitting here really trying to figure out what I want to do b/c I feel so torn. IF I decide to apologize (which I really shouldn't wait much longer to do) I think I'll text:
"I'm sorry about yesterday. You're completely right, it was uncalled for me to bring that up while you were at work. I also realize that I'm making you feel like a child, something I know I was doing before. You're a smart woman and I don't want to treat you that way. If you're willing, I'd like to sit down in person and talk about ways we can work this out, I'd like to hear your ideas. Would you like to do that and if so, do you have some time this weekend?"
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Haven't apologized and the more I think about backing down on the sitch I was posting about it doesn't seem like a good idea.
1/22 is when I had the backslide in texting her that she could come back and be a family and she took it as "or move your stuff out" and I backpeddled as best I could with help from you guys.
My friend told me today her and ex were texting for the next few days after that and nothing came up. My friend then tells me that on Sun or Mon ex texts her out of the blue saying how I'm begging her & kids to come back and be a family but things are going well between her and OM. My friend just said "alright" and didn't hear anything else from ex.
Thing is, after the backslide on Tue I haven't said anything else along that line. My friend and I think she's probing for info and my friend said that her talking about OM never has seemed authentic.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
My friend told me today her and ex were texting for the next few days after that and nothing came up. My friend then tells me that on Sun or Mon ex texts her out of the blue saying how I'm begging her & kids to come back and be a family but things are going well between her and OM. My friend just said "alright" and didn't hear anything else from ex.
Thing is, after the backslide on Tue I haven't said anything else along that line. My friend and I think she's probing for info and my friend said that her talking about OM never has seemed authentic.
This is just my opinion, but why is your friend telling you this stuff? I think it will just destroy your POM and your are just guessing at what she is doing/thinking. Trust me, I get it. My best friend is married to my H's best friend. A few weeks ago I had to set a boundry that she couldn't talk to her H about it, because she would then tell me stuff like "Your H isn't telling everyone everything?!" blah, blah. It was killing my POM, then the 2 of us would speculate as to what my H is thinking and you can't rationalize crazy! Again, it's just my opinion, but it's helped alot!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
My friend told me today her and ex were texting for the next few days after that and nothing came up. My friend then tells me that on Sun or Mon ex texts her out of the blue saying how I'm begging her & kids to come back and be a family but things are going well between her and OM. My friend just said "alright" and didn't hear anything else from ex.
Thing is, after the backslide on Tue I haven't said anything else along that line. My friend and I think she's probing for info and my friend said that her talking about OM never has seemed authentic.
This is just my opinion, but why is your friend telling you this stuff? I think it will just destroy your POM and your are just guessing at what she is doing/thinking. Trust me, I get it. My best friend is married to my H's best friend. A few weeks ago I had to set a boundry that she couldn't talk to her H about it, because she would then tell me stuff like "Your H isn't telling everyone everything?!" blah, blah. It was killing my POM, then the 2 of us would speculate as to what my H is thinking and you can't rationalize crazy! Again, it's just my opinion, but it's helped alot!
You've got a point that I've been fighting myself about. I've brought it upon myself b/c I had told my friend I couldn't get depressed from it, but I'm starting to believe I was wrong about that. Also, I don't have many ppl outside of the online community who really know what's going on from my perspective.
So a lot of times I'm telling my friend stuff to get it off my chest and we talk through scenarios. Trying to keep me focused on DBing correctly. Just today when we were wrapping up our conversation she told me that all of this is upsetting her emotionally as well. She said she might talk to me in a calm way but it is really bothering her. Before she would have told my ex that I really did want her back to be a family and that we are good together, ect, but KNEW I haven't been begging my ex so that's why she just said "alright".
Yeah, the speculating! We were talking about how my ex might be trying to check up on me but is running out of resources. She isn't getting anything from my Facebook, I'm not begging and chasing her, sent her friends in and they couldn't get any info, and then tried my friend and couldn't get any info.
But yeah, it does take its toll on PMA. I need to do my part and not ask my friend for any info and just GAL as much as I can.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I guess the fact in starting to question whether I want her back or not is a step in the right direction. Detaching. Trying to keep my mindset now that it's her loss and if she wants to work on an R with me it's up to her to prove it to me. Let her chase me instead of me chasing her.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I guess the fact in starting to question whether I want her back or not is a step in the right direction. Detaching. Trying to keep my mindset now that it's her loss and if she wants to work on an R with me it's up to her to prove it to me. Let her chase me instead of me chasing her.
I've been following your sitch and if you think questioning whether you want her back or not is not a step in the right direction I say you're wrong. You really are codependent with her and that isn't healthy. You are so focused on getting her back at all costs that you really parent following DBing at all. Remember she has to want to come back to you and you have to ask yourself if you've become someone she would come back to.
M 44 W 43 S 23 S 15 INILWY 9/11 Divorce Mediation started 3/13 June 30 the day W is moving out
I guess the fact in starting to question whether I want her back or not is a step in the right direction. Detaching. Trying to keep my mindset now that it's her loss and if she wants to work on an R with me it's up to her to prove it to me. Let her chase me instead of me chasing her.
I've been following your sitch and if you think questioning whether you want her back or not is not a step in the right direction I say you're wrong. You really are codependent with her and that isn't healthy. You are so focused on getting her back at all costs that you really parent following DBing at all. Remember she has to want to come back to you and you have to ask yourself if you've become someone she would come back to.
How is this not a step in the right direction? Maybe I didn't say it clearly. I'm questioning myself on, if she says she wants to come back, do I want her back?
What I mean is that as I continue to work on myself, become the bf only a fool would leave, and she gets drawn back to me...do I still want her?
It's what everybody here has been telling me, that I should really decide if I even want/deserve a person like this. That if I get myself to where I need to be will I be better off with somebody else.
And it helps with the detachment aspect.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I had a good night. Found a group that meets every Wed night for dinner/drinks and attended for the first time. Got to mingle with ppl and just have some fun.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
