Lost and confused Part2

[AnotherStander]

You ask what my Goal is here and well I guess for now it would be to just have my W talk to me with what she wants.

Read Sandi's DB 180 tips at the top of this forum. NO R talks at all. Your W doesn't know what she wants right now, so even if she's willing to talk you're not going to get the answers you want. And if you keep pushing her to talk it's just going to be seen by her as pressure, pressure, pressure.

The hope is that we can beging to move forward together some how.

She will approach you if/ when she's ready for that. In the meantime you give her time and space. No pressure, no serious talks. Leave her to sort her thoughts.

But Also if im totaly honest with myself about the short term goals Well I realy dont know what i want.

Go back through DR, it'll walk you through the steps of how to develop your list of long term and short term goals. You need clear, concise and appropriate goals to really track your progress.

I JUST DONT KNOW. i am at a loss on what to do with this if anything. I have had NC with W since 12-31-12

2 weeks isn't very long for NC.

Well I took a chance yesterday and sent W a text ..

" Hi hope your day is as bright as your smile is. I'm just sharing here. I do still love you very much XXXXX.... Hope all is well with you. I have been a little sick for a few days now."

What was your goal in this? In DR Michele says that before you take actions you need to first ask yourself what your overall goal is, and second to ask yourself if what you're about to do gets you closer to your goal or pushes you farther away. I see a lot of pressure in the above text, so in my opinion it pushed you farther from your goal. The smile comment, the ILY, it all just reminds her that the two of you are not on the same page in your relationship. It's pressure, it's you telling her "I still care about you and I need for you to care about me too." It's not respecting the time and space she needs to sort her thoughts.

[lostforever]

Well I have yet to send the text i was told to send by my Coach. I dont know if or when I will do it. I am just not sure what to do. Everyone here has given me some good advice so i'm hashing it around in my head.

Here is what has been happening the past few days with me. My Mood is not good even when things are going well around me. To be honest Today is a day were I can say I HATE MY LIFE!!!! but have no real reason why i feel this way.I am struggling a little.

Well on an other note the money I put in our joint account that W told me she would never use it. Well She did use some of it. I know she is having such a had time and that makes me feel so bad. all i ever want is to have her be ok.

All i can think about is this I just realy want to just talk to her. I miss the times we talked and just hung out. I know this time of the year is bad for me always has been.


I just sometimes feel like i am totaly lossing it

[lostforever]

Man what the h@#$ is wrong with me that I just cant just let my W go.. I mean is this normal that Men want to work things out but WAW dont. I guess i am just rambling here but i am angry maybe at my self thinking what is wrong with me why is it i want to fix things. Yes I do Love my WAW but also angry too. am I the only one here that feels like this? like im the one that must be doing something wrong. Why can WAW just walk out of someone marrage and have no contact unless started by me.

Shoot is it me am i the crazy one for wanting to rebuild something. I guess thats it for now..

[eyesopen]

Are you reading everyone else's threads? By that last post it doesn't sound like it. All your answers are in all these threads and the threads of all that came before us.

It is normal that most LBS want to work things out and the WAS doesn't. Hence them leaving. You have to put in the effort and even then you may not get another chance. Either accept it and move forward, or you will eat yourself up forever wondering about the past. Rather than looking to the future, which is a clean canvas waiting for someone to paint their masterpiece.

[littleGTO]

Wow, eyes,
I'm going to copy your last sentence...the future, which is a clean canvas waiting for someone to paint their masterpiece!

Hi, lost,
I'm sorry you are in this very low place. I am right there w you. I just went on ADs for the first time in my life this week. My H is a WAS for 2 1/2 months now. I am sad. I am angry. I am not doing well dealing w my kids. I FEEL your emotions.

BUT, I am being pro-active...went on ADs; starting seeing a NEW IC this week; and am for the first time since BD am starting to think about ME more than I think about H. Not sure why it happened--think it had to do w hitting rock bottom. THe only way is UP!

Hang in there!

[lostforever]

Thank you Eyes for saying what you did. Yes I do read but sometimes I think I just need to say it myself maybe to try to let it go. I just dont know.

Hi GTO, I know how you feel about the AD. I am a recovering drug and alcoholic for 26 years not. But I did start taking AD for the first time maybe 2 or 3 months ago. I just felt myself going down a road i did not want to be on. But im ok and i do take them to help. There are some days i feel good about things but we all have the bad days.

I know I am wrong on this thinking but it is what i think and im trying to get past it. I just feel like if I totally just stop talking to WAW even if it is a small text saying Hi , i feel that i will never have a chance of ever talking to her again. I do love her very much and I guess it is just hard to let that go. Some time i think what makes it harder for me is that I see her Mom all the time. She stops over to see me and just loves me. Also my WAW bro calls to come over and also i get invited over to WAW friends house to watch football and other things. ... I dont realy want to give that up too. they are my friends and family too.

[eyesopen]

Have you thought about cutting contact for awhile with her family. It may help with detachment. I am almost certain they would understand if you explained why you need some time apart.

[lostforever]

Have you thought about cutting contact for awhile with her family. It may help with detachment. I am almost certain they would understand if you explained why you need some time apart.

I have thought of that. I am sure they would understand, It is more so a problem with there kids. They keep wanting me over and to come over to see my fish tanks and my dog, there really good kids. But i think maybe it may be a good idea.

The mom well she also is my house cleaner every 2 weeks. she needs the money badly. I would hate to cut her off. Shoot she was in such a bad space a few months ago i put 1,000 in her savings account with out her knowing i did it. But i think she knows now. I am always that type of person helping others with out them knowing who help them. I mean shoot If I have the means to help then why not.

[lostforever]

well i have not been around for the past few days. I got that bug that is going around....
So not sure if it was good or bad having this flu that i still have. but I have had NC with W since jan 20th
I sent one stupid text that day and have not sent anything since and yes i would like to text her but have just been sick.
the text sent was stupid saying i still love her and hope one day to see her loving face again. Yes, i know i should not have sent it but i did.

I have been talking with a good friend that has been going threw the same thing for much longer and well this will be a long reply so i hope someone reads it and tells me what they think.
This is the text I wanted to send to my W but did not. What i did was ask a friend what she thought about it. So first my text then my friends reply
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Hi hope you are doing well. I know it has been a long time but I feel that if we could put the past behind us and just try to start over before we totally give up on us. We both had a part to play but we also had something that a lot of others did not. I know with a little work we could have that and more again. Im not begging here just putting it out there. I can only talk for myself that I am sure with Gods help we can do this. We can start out slow. I hope the God will fill your heart with his love and forgiveness as he has done to me. We had some growing pains but what marriage does not. Lets talk over coffee sometime ok. Im just sharing here as i always have that I love you for being the person you are!!! You are a very special person a one of a kind. We had been blessed when God put us together..




this is what she sent me
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

First, what you feel in your heart is most important. You will always have regret if you don't do what you have heavy on your heart, but you have to be prepared for what happens after you send it, and know you are possibly setting yourself up for another let down. If you feel like you have gotten yourself to the place where you can not be effected physically, mentally or emotionally and expect what you normally get, which is either, we will talk soon, or nothing at all.

I don't know, I am concerned at this point because it seems as if you are still giving her the benefit of a doubt, which normally I believe in doing, but at some point enough has to be enough, no?

I really don't know what to say anymore because part of me wants to believe that as long as you don't give up it is possible, and part of me is saying your crazy for continuing to allow her have this kind of reign in your life. To what expense and extent is it worth it? I don't know!

It saddens me that you are still trying to send her messages showing concern for her but she is absent in herself, so you can not force something to work, happen, transpire when she is clearly not showing ANY signs of regard for you or your marriage.

I strongly think you should stop taking blows from her, ones that are indirect and directly towards you. I know "kill them with kindness" isn't what you are aiming for, rather being who you are, but after using the money and still getting NOTHING from her is where you should draw your own line. Not only has she now abandoned you, ignored you, blamed you, assumed things about you she is now using you!?!?

I know you are holding onto faith and hope, but maybe that isn't going to come from continuing to try to make it work, rather letting it ALL go, and be faithful and hopeful that if it is Gods will He will make it happen not you! It wasn't until I completely moved on from husband, and I mean, no contact, no texts, no visits, no calls, no signs of reconciliation and we ended up in divorce court and that is where God started to change my husband and did what He needed to do to make things happen. I am not saying divorce her, what I am saying is STOP trying to do what only God can do.

If I were you I would do nothing. But without judgement from me, you have to do what you feel you should do. Things can go so many different ways, but I feel after all that has been done and said already I would prepare for the same outcome from her, which will be less than what you, at least, deserve.

In any other circumstance I think your words to her are so accurate and so heart felt, and of course, your truth but does it matter to her?? You can sit there and rethink your words a thousand times, and try to find what would be the best way and most assuring way to get her to respond, but everything she has not done up until this point makes me just keep saying to you....let go and let God over and over and over.

I hope this helps alittle, it is so complicated and complex to get everything out and try to get you to understand why it is what I am saying.

I pray you feel better soon. I heard this flu/infection thing is horrible and I am grateful to be isolated from it so far. If I catch it I will end up in the hospital like every winter, but I am praying it stays far away from me. Feel better....

[ForeverYoung]

You have a very wise friend.

Whatever you choose to do, make sure to move forward in a manner that will leave you with no regrets.