I've been so angry at my H's attitude about the D that I wonder if that's why I got so sick. I hadn't been sick in many years.
All the worry and anger absolutely can make you sick. A few months back I seen my doctor for several different aches and pains... He found no cause for them. This is why taking good care of ourselves is so important. Eat, sleep and exercise well.
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I also felt fear today. I'm still on the rollercoaster. I tried to imagine myself being married to someone else, and it didn't seem possible. The fear of being alone for the rest of my life returned. I pictured everything I'd have to go through: meet someone I'm attracted to and who shares the same values, get to really know them, fall in love, and have feelings strong enough to remarry. After the fallout with my H, I'm reluctant to even consider anyone w divorced parents or people who're goofy and "laidback," and also wonder if they'll tell me their true stories. I don't see my H telling any woman he cheated on his wife and the way he behaved toward me. He'll give her a reason that makes him look good. So it's scary. I guess I'm afraid of being lied to or betrayed again.
I know, I have all the same thoughts. That's why like you, I want to make sure I turn every stone before I give up. I don't fear being alone, as a matter of fact I think I'd rather be on my own than starting over with someone new. But I also think my feelings on this are likely to change after a long enough time.
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Finally, I realized that my H made me feel bad about myself for a long, long time. And I took a lot from him bc I wanted to be a good listener and be kind. But the things he said to me were completely inappropriate. So I feel I disrespected myself by just listening and not telling me what I really thought.
He did the disrespecting, you took the high road and tried to work things out. Never forget or feel bad for that.
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Oh, and I have lots of regrets, including getting married in the first place.
The good times and feelings with H were real, and no one can ever take those memories away from you.
Think back to how happy you were on your wedding day. If, on that day, someone with a crystal ball told you your marriage will be over in XX years, I highly doubt they could have convinced you to not marry H anyways. This is how I look at my marriage. No matter what happens in the future, I will not regret the past.
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On the plus side, I am planning another trip to CA in the summer. I'll use the cash I'll get from our assets and enjoy.
Great! The last CA trip seemed to have really cleared your head. Hugs.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
