W will do what she wants. Time for ME and D3 !!

[25yearsmlc]

NEED HELP PROCESSING MY FIRST DB COACHING SESSION!! ALL HANDS ON DECK PLS!

Ok So my first coaching session ever was yesterday with Laurie. It went great, and Laurie is awesome, so glad I did that.

The hour was so short, the quickest hour since BD =)

So here is want I have been assigned to do, and I need help processing HOW and WHY to do these things.

save yourself some time and ASK HER WHY...we can maybe help with "how" but only she can tell you why she says what she says.

We're all only guessing. And seriously, YOU need to ask then & there if you don't know why you are doing something.

It's crucial you know why you do what you do. Live your life with intention. Especially now. Always know why you are doing or saying what you are doing or saying. Always.

Laurie said to call her in a week or two for second session, but only when I had tried these things and have answers.

1) Laurie is concerned about how close the Zoloft prescription was to the date of BD. It was 4 weeks on 50mg, followed by less than 1 week on 100mg and then BD.

Laurie makes her recommendations based on the information YOU, and ONLY YOU, provide. Don't forget that.


When W first went on Zoloft, she told me "I hope we can fix the issues with D3 daycare and our finances so I can not feel so anxious. If we want a brother or sister for D3 we need to do it soon, and I can't be taking Zoloft if I'm going to be pregnant". So to me that didn't sound like someone planning an exist and Laurie agreed.

and YOU can do what about ANY of this^^^????? Oh, Nothing...




MIL is bipolar and it runs in her family. W has never been screened for this, and so there is a concern there from my MIL and Laurie since wife not mentioning wanting to leave me to her therapist seems odd. So the first "Goal" is to try to have MIL convince W to go get screened or at least get evaluated by a DIFFERENT therapist than the one that prescribed the Zoloft but doesn't see any change in W behavior.

you have said YOU noticed huge differences in your w's behavior when she went on/off Zoloft. Now you say YOU don't see any change, or your MIL doesn't, or what?? Get the facts and stories straight. I find this very inconsistent.

I don't mean to misconstrue OR have you misquote Laurie (and you have misquoted me) but I cannot imagine this endeavor being very fruitful. AND

BTW, in one study of the American Psychiatric Association, they found that 90% of married women taking ADs had husbands described as "critical" or "very unsupportive". Granted, it's THEIR perspective but hey, that's why they are seeking therapy.

Food for thought.

2) This is the IMPORTANT goal that I need help with. W's LL is physical touch. Laurie says that since your wife believes your M was sex starved and that is the reason she is in an active A, I need to experiment with offering some physical touch and see how she responds.

Laurie says you can expect some pulling back from W, but make note of what works and what doesn't for our next phone session.

I told her W gets migraines from neck tension, so I had given her a neck rub one day when she had a headache and she enjoyed that a lot. So she said GOOD, try to do that when you get a chance, but only when she requests or shows a need for it. Do not do it in a pursuing fashion


So, do that^^^. Don't act as if you think it'll lead anywhere else or that you are wanting sex (but make sure to compliment her appearance at a different time so she knows you find her attractive). Just do the neck rub to help her feel better. This seems simple enough.


Also, she said I should try to offer light touch, like perhaps pating her on the back sometimes, or touching her arm he or there. Also, to see if I can sit next to her on the couch for example, without W moving away.

So, any tips on this? Anyone have something to add or expand?


I feel as if this is pretty self explanatory. Are you new to this type of touching?

How come this is the reverse of what I have been doing?

What are you asking us here? I mean, why don't YOU tell us why it's the reverse of what you have been doing?

No one here said to avoid her. No one here said be distant. Are you confusing the word "Distant" with "Detachment"? They are not the same but we've been over this many times SM. What is your question? Can you elaborate on it b/c I'm not sure what you are asking here.

We said "do what works", & "don't be a doormat" (so do not pay for your wife to go see OM).

No one said not to touch her and no one said to make her feel you are not attracted to her. In fact we said the opposite. She needs to feel desired. One comment she made I found interesting was about her desire to lose weight and get in shape.

Think back...did you EVER tell her she needed to lose the baby weight or exercise more? I'm not judging you for it if you did, but it is very hurtful to women to hear that and then believe they are not as attractive to their h's. When you couple those comments with your evident drop in sexual advances, can you see how that might affect her?

And fwiw, my son was seriously involved with a lingerie model out on the east coast. She's very successful. In real life, She was underweight by maybe 15-20 lbs., but in photo spreads, she looked perfectly built. Yes The camera really does add weight, visually.

Anyhow, this beautiful woman was VERY insecure about her looks, when she gained more than 2 lbs. I mean that literally.

When she had a weight gain of more than 2lbs, she went on a very very strict diet. The reality is that our society has a strong focus on being thin, as if it = beauty, AND anyone overweight is seen as undesirable, unsexy and possibly lazy.

The cruel irony is that we have a largely overweight nation, so we're sort of sabotaging ourselves a lot here. A self inflicted unhappiness.



I have been withholding all affection and also mainting physical distance but Laurie wants to see if W will let me come closer physicallly, and perhaps allow some physical touch.

Is this just to establish if there are feelings for me? I am confused.


No one can explain to you what Laurie meant nearly as well as SHE can, (btw, why didn't you ask her?)

But it's not shocking advice to give, in my opinion. Your wife was in a marriage that was not romantically or physically/sexually satisfying to her... I know for a fact that I questioned your with holding approach.

I said your approach basically let you off the hook (doing nothing-taking no action on your end, was what your plan was). It seemed to focus only on HER and what's wrong with HER or going on with HER and only recently you say you are working on you.

BUT STILL even now, most of your posts relate to HER history and HER medication use, NOT what YOU are doing.

Withholding affection was not a suggestion I recall you getting.

DETACHING is another matter.....

Laurie said there definitely might be some distancing from W after you try some of this but don't worry about it too much because your W and you have very positive interactions so far. She obviously doesn't HATE me.

Laurie also thought there was cake eating obviously. And that W may be undecided. So I guess this is the way to gauge her feeling?


I don't know what you are asking us now. Is what, a "way to gauge" her feeling? You mean, are Her reactions to your non sexual touching a gauge?

I'll assume that's your question and I'd say YES it's a way of measuring how she feels. But I caution you BIG TIME NOT to over analyze her reaction the first 10 times you do it (UNLESS she pushes you away. Her pushing you away would be clarity on her end that she is not presently interested in your touching.)
[b]
MY GUESS is that if she trusts that the touching is meant for HER COMFORT, and not given with strings attached or any expectations of more from her, then she'll accept it.[/b]

Make sure you are clear when you rub her neck or back. Maybe Ask if it's okay w/her if you "try to rub the knots out" or "see if a neck rub makes it feel better"...

I also think she might not SAY she wants one, out loud. She may just look tired or seem sore or exhausted, etc. You can offer a rub b/c maybe she's "been running after d3 all day" or something similar.

If you think the topic won't come up, then ASK about your d's day...was d3 "very active today"??...and then perhaps you can assume that her neck or back hurts or that she may have a headache,etc...

SM, did you give her back rubs before all this, other than as foreplay?

You would not be the first man to say "no".

Sometimes I don't think my h is capable of it - I don't mean to disrespect him w/that comment, but he has to REALLY Focus on it as something to help me heal, OR it leads to us being intimate. Like almost every time and within just a few minutes. So I'd LOVE a back massage for 30 minutes first....but hey, it's Just how he rolls...


So if this is new to you, then it'll be new to her too. She won't know what to make of it. It might confuse her at first. So you can say something casual about it to her so she doens't feel pressured.
She may well be unclear about what you are doing b/c it is new and different. So HER reactions might not be clear or consistent for awhile. So don't over think this.


Please leave me with your comments and suggestions on touch that is not pursuit etc..

Thanks everyone!

Touching that is NOT pursuit, is touching not intended as foreplay...such as a back massage NOT leading to sex.

it's touching for HER benefit only (i.e., HER comfort, reduction of HER pain, etc) without your expectation of it going any further.

Does that help clarify?