Andrew and Busting, thank you for checking on me. I've been busy today, but regardless, this whole sitch is always in my head. I want to get rid of all the angry feelings bc I know they're not good for me and my health. I've been so angry at my H's attitude about the D that I wonder if that's why I got so sick. I hadn't been sick in many years.

I talked to a lawyer/mediator, and it seems that if we use her, I won't have to go to court. But I wonder if this is a good move, considering that my H hasn't shared his bank statements yet, and he's been avoiding any contact with me. It's like he disappeared from the planet. I was thinking that maybe I can get all the info of what's fair from my current L, and then switch to the mediator.

I also felt fear today. I'm still on the rollercoaster. I tried to imagine myself being married to someone else, and it didn't seem possible. The fear of being alone for the rest of my life returned. I pictured everything I'd have to go through: meet someone I'm attracted to and who shares the same values, get to really know them, fall in love, and have feelings strong enough to remarry. After the fallout with my H, I'm reluctant to even consider anyone w divorced parents or people who're goofy and "laidback," and also wonder if they'll tell me their true stories. I don't see my H telling any woman he cheated on his wife and the way he behaved toward me. He'll give her a reason that makes him look good. So it's scary. I guess I'm afraid of being lied to or betrayed again.

Finally, I realized that my H made me feel bad about myself for a long, long time. And I took a lot from him bc I wanted to be a good listener and be kind. But the things he said to me were completely inappropriate. So I feel I disrespected myself by just listening and not telling me what I really thought.

Oh, and I have lots of regrets, including getting married in the first place.

So, not a good emotional day.

On the plus side, I am planning another trip to CA in the summer. I'll use the cash I'll get from our assets and enjoy.