Hi Tori, I think you are right about not sending the e-mail to your H. In my opinion, as long as he knows that you are still open for a relationship with him, he will keep running away. I also know that it is hard to fully detach and still have your heart open to him. I have the same problem with my DBing. Sometimes I ask myself if I would like to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t want me, and the answer is NO. Then I think about my H and ask myself the same question. And the answer is still NO. It gives me some prospective and makes it a little easier to detach.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Sometimes I ask myself if I would like to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t want me, and the answer is NO. Then I think about my H and ask myself the same question. And the answer is still NO.
Our spouses don't want to be in a relationship with us right now. But that doesn't mean their feelings can't change. That's the whole point of DB, and why we can still have hope as long as we choose to.
For me, it's all about doing everything I can to save/improve my marriage, so I can feel proud no matter if my marriage survives or not.
I believe Tori can be extremely proud of her effort and growth.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
ForeverYoung, you are absolutely right, Tori can be proud of how she’s been handling her situation. I admire her strength. And I keep watching her progress very closely.
I just expressed my thoughts and how it kind of helps me to handle my sitch, but this is why I’m on this board, to hear all different opinions and advices, and get some support. Yes, I know that the WASs can change their feelings. I guess I just don’t have much hope for my H to do it, he is very stubborn and if he makes the decision, he will stick to it.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
First, thank you for the encouragement and good wishes. I feel much better today, and had a chance to rest a bit more (worked from home bc it's a snowy day.)
I see BF's point and FY's too. I would never date a man who told me or did the things my H has told me or done, but I would choose to save my M if I could because he is my H. It's a huge difference in my mind. Once I'm married to somebody, it's just different bc of what marriage means to me. In my eyes, I need to do whatever I can do to save my M. Since apparently I was unsuccessful, now all the bets are off. Once the D is finalized, I will need a lot more from his part to want to be back together with him. I don't think he realizes this, but what can I do.
I do feel proud of myself and good about myself for everything I did, so that's good. That's one of the goals of DBing. And like FY said, you never know what is really going on in someone's mind, so you might as well assume there is hope and try your best.
I emailed my H today with some housekeeping updates and a separate message in which I tried to put myself in his shoes. I did this bc I was going through some stuff he wrote to me earlier last year and I saw so much confusion, and even pain. I felt less angry toward him. I saw him as someone who might be also hurting and who's lost his path. He's someone who needs to grow and learn, and I was affected by this, but he was, too. I saw him with compassion and kindness, so whatever I wrote to him was to let him know I'm trying to empathize with his feelings. I also told him my impression of what he's going through. It was a mix of mind reading and what I've learned through the posts of other people on this board. My goal: to reach out. I do want things to be peaceful between us. If he doesn't react, then, fine---we won't have a peaceful R. And I'll be Ok with it bc I know I did my part. But maybe he'll feel understood and cooperate so we can get through the next few weeks the best way we can. I know it still won't be easy, but I'll try to make it as peaceful as I can.
. I would never date a man who told me or did the things my H has told me or done, but I would choose to save my M if I could because he is my H. It's a huge difference in my mind. Once I'm married to somebody, it's just different bc of what marriage means to me. In my eyes, I need to do whatever I can do to save my M
I get you completely on this. I feel the same way.
How are you today?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Andrew and Busting, thank you for checking on me. I've been busy today, but regardless, this whole sitch is always in my head. I want to get rid of all the angry feelings bc I know they're not good for me and my health. I've been so angry at my H's attitude about the D that I wonder if that's why I got so sick. I hadn't been sick in many years.
I talked to a lawyer/mediator, and it seems that if we use her, I won't have to go to court. But I wonder if this is a good move, considering that my H hasn't shared his bank statements yet, and he's been avoiding any contact with me. It's like he disappeared from the planet. I was thinking that maybe I can get all the info of what's fair from my current L, and then switch to the mediator.
I also felt fear today. I'm still on the rollercoaster. I tried to imagine myself being married to someone else, and it didn't seem possible. The fear of being alone for the rest of my life returned. I pictured everything I'd have to go through: meet someone I'm attracted to and who shares the same values, get to really know them, fall in love, and have feelings strong enough to remarry. After the fallout with my H, I'm reluctant to even consider anyone w divorced parents or people who're goofy and "laidback," and also wonder if they'll tell me their true stories. I don't see my H telling any woman he cheated on his wife and the way he behaved toward me. He'll give her a reason that makes him look good. So it's scary. I guess I'm afraid of being lied to or betrayed again.
Finally, I realized that my H made me feel bad about myself for a long, long time. And I took a lot from him bc I wanted to be a good listener and be kind. But the things he said to me were completely inappropriate. So I feel I disrespected myself by just listening and not telling me what I really thought.
Oh, and I have lots of regrets, including getting married in the first place.
So, not a good emotional day.
On the plus side, I am planning another trip to CA in the summer. I'll use the cash I'll get from our assets and enjoy.
Tori, you might be going through another phase of grief now, since it looks like you D is imminent.
Your H avoiding contact with you is a little suspicious. It might be that he is having hard time to make the last step.
I have a feeling that after what you’ve been through you will know when you meet a good man. And you are more than capable of having a great relationship. I’m sure you will not be alone. I think it will take some time for you to open your heart to somebody else, but it will happen. I didn’t want to get married after my first divorce, I was afraid to get hurt again. But I met my second husband and fell in love…
[quote= Oh, and I have lots of regrets, including getting married in the first place.[/quote] I had the same feelings just recently. But then I thought that it was my choice to get married and I made my decision thinking that this marriage would be for rest of my life.
I’m in CA and would love to meet you one day. Maybe we should exchange info.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Tori - Stop all the negative thoughts. You ARE an amazing person and have nothing to fear. Don't let fear control you or your thoughts. If you choose you will find a great guy and fall in love again. Just give it time and start enjoying you and your new life. I wish you could believe in yourself as much as we believe in you.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
