Just read your last few posts. It would seem we are at a similar point. I think for myself I need to find a way to dim things down. More than anything I need to do this for myself. I feel stuck in the mud.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Well from what I can see you are doing what I am doing. Your focus is not on you and the kids it is on her...spying on her and trying to figure out how you can convince her that you appreciated her etc....is not going to bring her back and it is not going to make you feel good...we have all made mistakes don't beat yourself up so much for it...Just a guess but I am sure she did not appreciate you all the time either... I wonder if you should not go dark from her for a while might help you detach a little more and put W on her heels a little bit...
...most of the success stories I read, are when the LBS has really let go. Getting there is the hard part, and I feel like the seeds of doubt need to be firmly planted first. How do you know when it is really time to start thinking about moving on?
I've asked a very similar question and I'll pass on the response that I received. I had the exact same mindset that I needed to let go to have a chance at success but the vets reminded me I'm letting go for me, not for M. Whatever happens will happen, we let go so that we can move forward and grow. The response I received about when to move on was I'll be ready to move on when I stop asking the question about moving on. They all say I'll just know when it happens. I'm not there yet, as you know from my own posts. I'm no longer trying to force myself to detach which has taken a lot of stress from me. With this new mindset it's just kind of happening with time (my occasional backslides also help with detaching for whatever reason).
We're in same spot with going dark and I think it's impossible since we see our W's almost every day and kids are involved. I think going dim and being a little mysterious is all we can realistically hope for.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Yes it may be my best chance at r, although at this point I really want to let go for me. I think for a long time I was thinking that I needed to let go so that we could reconcile. Now I want to let go to keep moving forward. I think the realization that letting go is for me, is the first step in the process.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
I am mentally exhausted. I have been reading all these threads looking for the magic bullet, for strength, and hope. For the most part I have found strength and hope from everyone, but it is consuming me. It is time for me to find that strength within myself. I have books that I need to read that are collecting dust because I spend my time on here. I have a guitar that I would like to learn how to play, and I have two children that miss out on precious minutes with their dad. Thank you for all your support and I will update in a few weeks. That is unless something major needs to be addressed.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Guess I couldn't stay away for that long. I am having a hard time reaching a custody agreement with w. Our current agreement gives me approx. 40% of a week. I want 50/50 with her. Although I miss my children, I am okay knowing if they are not with me, they are with her. The divorce is full steam ahead, and I am not okay with giving up time to someone else, as I don't expect her to be single forever. I have tried talking it through with her to no avail. Thinking of sending this message to her:
Our agreement still does not sit right with me. You continue to deny me legal joint custody, yet tell me I cn come nd see the kids anytime I want. We are both trying to secure our future with them, and I would really like to work this out with you. Although it seems as if we are not hearing and understanding each others needs. I know as they get older and are both in school full time our agreement will have to change. So I am going to make an appointment with my lawyer and we can let the lawyers and a judge decide what is the most fair agreement. I respect and admire your dedication to our children, and as frustrating as it is, I am happy that you are fighting for every second with them. It really shows what a great mother you are.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
Maybe Mr. Bond could chime in here but that seems like a game they are playing to me...why give 40% instead of 50%? I liken it to having a garage sale and wanting to get $60 for something so you ask for $70. And studies show that kids need their dads just as much as their moms...don't settle for anything less than 50/50....I wonder if the 40% would entitle her to child and alimony payments...I think you are doing a good job of taking your time and being careful where you step...Just like to say when you feel a need to contact her, wait a day and think about it all the way through...don't get baited here...
I have thought about for a day, and I am going to send the message. I will also make the appointment with my lawyer. She has accused me of trying to punish her, stating that I am taking the kids away from her. I continue to not get upset when I speak to her, I don't pass judgement, or try to assign blame. I want what is fair, which to me is 50%. I still hope to R someday, although it will never happen if I do not stand up for the things I believe in. And what kind of man does not stand up for themselves.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
7740 is right. And this isn't 1980. There's no reason in 2013 that you can't demand 50/50 custody. Kids are not something you acquiesce on, because they are not just some thing, or even money.
Furthermore, I'm no psychologist, but when I read you saying that she has accused you of trying to punish her, that you are trying to take the kids away from her, here's what I take from it: I think she's actually more scared than insistent about losing the kids. (Maybe it's an alimony thing too, I'm not naive enough to think it isn't.) But, just like when the WAW blames the spouse for everything at the onset of the bomb drop and re-writes history and all that, I think this is similar. She's trying to make YOU feel guilty?
Eyes, you may have dropped the ball a little more often than you should have when you were married rearding you marriage, but you have NOT dropped the ball as a dad. So you shouldn't accept anything less than 50/50. The kids have nothing to do with your problems with your wife or hers with you. You also have not done anything to warrant seeing your kids less, it isn't as if you cheated on her and the kids are on to it, or were abusive or anything like that. You're an upstanding guy with 2 wonderful kids who need you.
If you haven't sent the message yet, consider these changes:
Our agreement still does not sit right with just isn't acceptable to me. You continue to deny me legal joint custody, yet tell me I cn come nd see the kids anytime I want. Why? Just level with me, what is your concern with joint legal custody? We are both trying to secure our future with them, and I would really like to work this out with you. but the kids have nothing to do with our issues. We need to work this out.Although it seems as if Maybe we are not hearing and understanding each others needs. I know as they get older and are both in school full time our agreement will have to change. So I am going to make an appointment with my lawyer and we can let the lawyers and a judge decide what is the most fair agreement. 50/50 is the only arrangement that is acceptable to me. I respect and admire your dedication to our children, and as frustrating as it is,andI understandam happy that you want to spend as much time as possible with them. I do too though, and I want you to understand how important it is that the split is 50/50, for me but especially them. If you would like to disucss this further call me.[s]are fighting for [/s]every second with them. It really shows what a great mother you are.
And if you have sent it already and agree with any of this, when the time is right just massage what you sent earlier. Just my two cents here, but I don't think your message is assertive enough or centralized on the kids enough.
Best of luck eyes.
M-34 XW-32 D-7 Found OM's presence 4/09 Separated 12/09 Divorced 8/10 GREAT relationship as coparents since 8/10
