H and I used to make each other laugh, but H would try to embarrass me more. I used to complain about it and it stopped and now I regret it. Did you ever make comments to him about his behavior? It is possible that all the stresses the two of you have been through have dampened his ability to be the clown.
Have you heard from him since he's been in Europe?
Just remind yourself you are starting over, new R/M, don't take anything for granted. He is still trying to get over his hurt and insecurities.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
H and I used to make each other laugh, but H would try to embarrass me more. I used to complain about it and it stopped and now I regret it. Did you ever make comments to him about his behavior? It is possible that all the stresses the two of you have been through have dampened his ability to be the clown.
Have you heard from him since he's been in Europe?
Just remind yourself you are starting over, new R/M, don't take anything for granted. He is still trying to get over his hurt and insecurities.
Hey RLA,
This is so true what Hopeful is saying here. Stay the course up upbeat and cheery as tough as that can be. You are in the driver's seat here though it may not seem like it. There clearly is a common theme among hurt spouses.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Heya RLA, Just catching back up on your sitch since you changed boards. I think you guys are making good progress. Keep working on yourself and being patient.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Thanks guys. I like the reminder that we are "starting over." Time to get to know each other again. My H always has been able to make me laugh, that is for sure. I guess, in a nutshell, I'm looking for more "leadership" from him. Does that make sense??
Yes, I have heard from him. He calls every morning but it's hard to talk then because we are getting ready. But he has been now including terms of endearment so I guess that is good.
I had IC this am and I talked a lot about this boredom that I have. I mentioned it before but I definitely need social stimulation. I feel like in a way I created some of this drama as an antidote to boredom, so now that I know that I have to try harder to keep myself productively occupied. My IC said I should be getting more emotional stimulation from H. I don't know, but I probably need to ramp up the GAL to the extent possible.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Yes, the Leadership point does make sense. Now, that was suggested to me and then i was considered controlling. Maybe I could not get the right balance but felt I could not win for trying. I remember you saying your H is controlling. Perhaps helping him understand the balance you need of what is perceived as leadership and what is perceived as controlling. His confidence was rocked so he is unsteady on his feet in that area right now. It will come.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Are you also ramping up the terms of endearment, RLA? I'm envious. I think it's really good that your H is doing that. Funny to think that your H is this side of the world now.
I think you're right about focusing on GAL to get more emotional and social stimulation. I'm not sure it would be that productive to try to get that from your H at this point. Nice that he can make you laugh, though.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Interesting session with IC today. As the reality of all of this starts to sink in, I'm reminded of why we ended up in this mess in the first place. My IC says that basically my H does not have my back. I can't really rely on him in a lot of ways. Kind of a fundamental problem.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
Thanks guys. I like the reminder that we are "starting over." Time to get to know each other again. My H always has been able to make me laugh, that is for sure. I guess, in a nutshell, I'm looking for more "leadership" from him. Does that make sense??
Yes, I have heard from him. He calls every morning but it's hard to talk then because we are getting ready. But he has been now including terms of endearment so I guess that is good.
I had IC this am and I talked a lot about this boredom that I have. I mentioned it before but I definitely need social stimulation. I feel like in a way I created some of this drama as an antidote to boredom, so now that I know that I have to try harder to keep myself productively occupied. My IC said I should be getting more emotional stimulation from H. I don't know, but I probably need to ramp up the GAL to the extent possible.
please take this to heart b/c it screams out to me. LONG AGO I was very neglected in my m. H was in residency with 90 hour weeks and VERY tired and cranky when home. THis was not a one year deal...and it was unrelenting.
Forget my rationalizations, just trust me -I had them! Then a "Kevin Costner" guy began working next door to me...a SINGLE man.
I was sorely tempted and went to see a shrink and a chaplain. The shrink was fairly useless, fwiw.
But the chaplain said, "You seem to be passionate and romantic and your h cannot, right or wrong, fill all those needs now. Find a healthy channel for those passions and interests"
which is a different way of saying to GAL in a way that does not threaten your m.
I chose to audition for theater roles and eventually did stand up comedy. I have a ton of other GAL things, including joining a writer's group, volunteering, learning to fly,
but the one that made ME FEEL attractive and passionate, was acting.
Play the wife of Henry VIII (Jane Seymour, not the beheaded ones) or Wllie Loman, (or his girlfriend), or play the funny one in a romantic comedy but find a way to channel your feelings in a way that does not threaten your marriage.
I think boredom is a reflection of feeling directionless also, and that can become a mild form of depression too. Good insight on your end, but realize it's not healthy to blame him for YOU being bored in your life.
IMO your h cannot and, should not fill all your needs.
You have to. I can't emphasize this enough.
Brainstorm about GAL and what would make you feel impassioned (safely! No exotic dancing,etc)
Good luck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Does your IC know your H? If not, I am not certain that is a fair assessment. MWD gives warning to the well-meaning but biased therapists, family and friends. Your IC should be about you, not your H.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Barely catching up on your thread and wanted to add to 25s post. When I was feeling tired and not "in love" so to speak, I thought it was because I was tired of waiting around for H to make some dramatic moves. However the thought of him making those moves didn't change how I felt.
Someone said, this has more to do with you than with him. She was right. I needed to re-energize myself. I shouldn't wait for H to do it.
Then I went to MC alone. He said, oh so you want him to read your mind... That bothered me, but you know why?? cuz it was true!!
So I went back to reading After the Affair and got re-energized. I'm finally beginning to feel excited about H. Not WHOOO HOOO! but whoo hoo... lol!
Take care RLA! ques...are you on the alt??
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
