I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[Sweetbriar]

I took a little break, but am back! Thanks to those who were asking! Its nice to know that you care and are concerned! I just got to where I was spending a lot of time on the computer and not with my kids...so I wanted to slow down and take a break from the madness of my stich, although it doesnt go away

KeepGoing..wanted to make sure I thanked you for your long post a few weeks back. I appreciate the time you took to share your experience and give me advice on the email my H wrote. I will say that I ended up NOT letting him attend the sonogram and we really havent spoken since. He did ask that day for a picture, which I sent him and he later told the kids that he cannot stop looking at it. Funny though, for someone who acted so much like he cared about the pregnancy in the email, I havent heard a word from him about it since..nothing. He hasnt even asked how Im feeling or anything.

I did have a beautiful baby shower this past weekend with over 60 people! My friends did a brilliant job of putting this together and I felt so special. I got TONS AND TONS of stuff for baby boy (who I still havent named!) and officially feel like Im ready for him to come. Less than 5 weeks now! Im feeling very achy and tired..but its just the lack of sleep at night tossing and turning from being pregnant. Im still working part time everyday and of course, running my house and taking care of my girls. It really is hard with no help and Im sure it will get harder before it gets easier.

H did know I had a shower becuase he asked the girls if I was having one and when. Weird? This weekend was my weekend with the girls and he asked them Friday, Saturday and Sunday to do something with him. He even begged "please" at one point. My D14 told him that she had plans this weekend but he was consistant in asking. He also asked Monday (the kids had a teacher workday) and they, again, denied him. He will get them tonight for dinner and is buying them fish to match their rooms?? Whatever... Is it normal for H to have totally alienated the kids at first but now to be asking to spend a lot of time with them? My thought is even though he is still very much with OW, maybe life is getting normal with her and SOME of the high is wearing off...so now he can contact and hang with his kids more? Any thoughts on this?

I really dont have expectations of him but he texted D14 to ask if I got a lot of stuff at the shower. Of course, he cannot text me and ask me stuff like that...and it eases his mind when D tells him that we did get a lot. He responded "cool" and that was it. I think that it has made it so much easier for him to walk away knowing that I have always taken care of most things around the house and that if I do have a problem I have a lot of friends and family to support me. Makes it easy for him to not look back.

Last week when he got the girls on Wed night, he walked to the door, knocked, and walked back to his car...not even waiting for anyone to answer. I think this is strange that he expects to come visit the baby when he is born, but yet, cannot even face me at the door step when he picks up our kids?? Im not sure what this was/is about?? I also got a nasty text last week from him about something that I wrote to a friend on FB. H does NOT have a FB but I had commented on a friends picture she posted about her H being a great dad. All I wrote was "you are very lucky" and someone saw this and told H. He texted me "did you really tell friend that she and her kids are so lucky to have a great dad? OMFG..scummy as hell". I was appalled by this text! This guy is a great dad and he was also H's Bestfriend before he left me. I innocently posted this and quite frankly can post what I want.

I dont deserve texts about how Im feeling or I needed anything when it snowed here (like maybe shoveling the driveway so I dont slip while Im 8 months pregnant) but a FB post sure warranted a text. I just dont get him at all.

Nothing more has been said about baby's arrival and Im not bringing it up. It will be here sooner than I know and Im scared but know I will handle this just fine. I have come this far...

I still sometimes get in my obsessive mode and think about them a lot. What they are doing and how great it must be with her for him to have given up his whole life for her. But I have also come to the realization that my H will probably be one that doesnt come home. I just think that 6 months he has been gone have indicated that he is done. I may have more hope had he been coming around a bit or at least talking to me here and there..but we have NO CONTACT unless its a quick text here and there...nothing else. He seems content with OW. He was seen out with her a few weeks ago in the local bar by a friend of mine. That same night, my other friends H saw them out and talked to H at the bar...apparently OW told this friend that "H is having a really hard time with all of this"....really??? Of course she is feeling sorry for him. My friends H responded that "everyone is having a hard time with this". I spent a week being upset that my friends H even gave my H and OW his time...that he should have ignored them...but I know that certain situations are hard and difficult and this guy didnt know how to react that he was seeing H with his OW. H really has no shame about taking her to our local town...

My kids, just last night, brought up some of the beginning nights when H first started going back and forth to his parents when I first found out. I guess D14 was cleaning her room with her friend and her friend asked some questions about how is started. It triggered my Ds memories and she talked to me about them last night. She said that she remembers those nights so clearly and how dad didnt care about anything...how is was emotionless and how he carried his stupid orange bag back and forth to grandmas and back. Both my Ds remember words he said to me and actions he took to leave...this, Im afraid, will always be in their minds and it made me soooo sad.

On a happier note, I have spent a lot of time getting baby's room together and now to organize all the stuff we got. Its been fun. I sometimes start thinking how sad it is that my H has had no part in all of this and that one day he may look back and realize that he missed out on the whole pregnancy...but its his loss and Im thankful that my girls are enjoying this with me. Its strange to think that he has been with OW for so long now...I really did believe that they would break it off sooner than this...it only leads me to think that this romantic affair is starting to be normal life for him....like a real relationship and that breaks my heart still. But Im still moving forward..because I have to and I know one day I will look back and know that I went straight through my hell with no pills, or affairs or alcohol. He had all those numbing tools and I didnt...and I cant help but to think I will be a better person to have come out of it raw. I will one day be happier for it and he may still be spinning in his own hell because he still hasnt faced his true issues...