Separated, in different states....

[Lampstand]

I definitely have a problem with what I call "blowing up my life" that pre-dates my M. I have yet to figure out why I do it but some clues are that my mom told me she left my father 5 or 6 times in my early childhood. I only remembered 2 of them. So I've blocked the others. But what I also remember is that when she left and took us children I remember it being a fun adventure where Mom paid attention to us and took us places, ate out in restaurants, and went to visit people. I remember leaving as 1) a relief from the stress of their R, and 2) a fun adventure without Dad messing it up. Now how that relates to my life today is that every time I threw H out I would get real close to my children and we would focus on having fun together. Sometimes we would take little vacations and eat out in restaurants we never went to with H around. And I would ease up on housework. Take a break. Not worry about being fat and ugly.

So maybe the pattern is feeling stressed out by a unhappy M and "blowing up my life" will temporarily give me space from H and allow me to spend uninterrupted quality time with my children without any guilt of ignoring H. This feels right somehow as an explanation for the breaking up every 6 months. And the childhood connection provides a template for my MO.

Now that doesn't explain, however, why I cannot show my H any love. I do love him but I absolutely cannot show it. Why??? I'm too scared. The thought of him lording it over me or controlling me makes me sick to my stomach.

We have some history here: when I was 15 and he was 20 we met through a blind date. I fell for him and it seemed mutual. We were inseparable for 2 months. But one day, out of the blue, he dropped the bomb....his high school obsession was back in town so I was out. I never got over that first rejection.

Fast forward to the present. We reconnected and got married in 2009. It's been rocky because I found out about porn addiction, he was having EA's online, still in love with other women....he wouldn't get a job because he wanted to be an "artist".......we spent tons of MY MONEY on counseling and addiction treatment. He was angry at me for a very long time. Then after my arrest for breaking his laptop (his porn tool) he started to change. After we reconciled in 2011 he became more considerate and loving towards me. He really seemed to want my love and attention. We began to have a normal sex life. But then I went crazy and started having EA's and being unresponsive......creating a block between us because he was trying to build intimacy with me. I thwarted all his attempts to connect with me. But I wanted him to keep trying, keep pursuing, keep chasing.

I'm gonna stop and give someone else a chance to talk now.