stilllookingup thank you for your response. I have thought a lot about the "old me" resentful, neglected, angry that H chose computers over me, and put me in last place after all his indepedent pursuits and hobbies. I am beginning to think H is just unable to connect emotionally with ANYone...the evidence is that he has no friends at all...I do mean none...and makes no effort to keep in touch with his family members, not even his mother. This in particular is worrying.
When I say H knew very well how to please me, this is because I would gently (at first--then I admit--in a more exasperated way) say hey--I miss you, let's do something fun! Or thank you so much for thinking of me--I love it when you do little things for me like this...He KNEW what to do. I am not a mysterious person. I make my needs known. Crystal clear. He CHOSE not to do these things even though he agreed to do them (and not under duress, either). He told me he knew what to do but chose not to. Passive Agressive.
I decided that I was beating a dead horse in a way. That if I wanted affirmation, I needed to go get it elsewhere. I don't think this is a way to build a healthy marriage, by the way, but it was a way to get my needs met, and for me to stop "nagging" him. He had less pressure, and I had more self-esteem, and more gratitude for his good qualities--but still didn't feel connected to him all that much.
But Yes--years of me feeling neglected (which H admits to), disrepected, and ignored left me feeling like crap. And angry. How dare he...and that was no fun to be around. And heck if I was going to be nice to him after he was so horrible to me...and so the cycle began.
H says that he realizes that most of problems we had originated with him. Never mind that. I played a big part too. Now what do we do? He says he isn't sure he wants to do the work to undo years of unhappiness. H says good communication just happens, you shouldn't have to work at it. We are too different to break out of our old habits. I say--what about my changes? Oh yes, you have changed he says, but for how long? (ummm. so far 6 months + without stumbling once--but patience...eventually he will see it...maybe?)
My heart goes out to you stilllookingup. I am glad that you are a better person now. I feel like I am getting back the old "me"--who I was before I met H. I am not changing for H. My journey is for ME. I feel better. I hope you are feeling better too.
