Rinse, repeat, replay

[GatorGirl]

Oh my sweet Hopper,
There really are no words. I'm so sorry that you know all that you do. Your strength is incredible, holding it all in. I think you are playing your cards very wisely. He doesn't know it, but you hold the trump and you are obviously saving it for when it really counts.

We are all here for you to support you. The day when they are all potty trained is amazing-my D2 just did it all on her own over the holidays. Nights and everything. It's wonderful.

God bless you, sister. Hang in there.

Peace,
GG xo

[Raine]

Journal Time: Not pretty, but it is what it is.

H has been making late night "booty calls" to OW#1 the past 3 nights. This is the first he has done this. And I'm assuming that's what he is doing, and not going over there to watch a movie or have some deep convo at midnight and then leaving a few hours later. I'm guessing things have now moved into something more serious, although I don't think he is spending dating/relationship time with her, other than maybe eating lunch with her. Very odd. Or now he is done with his trip, where he hooked up with OW#3, so he now cycling back to #1. OW#2 & #3 are still in play, contacting him, but not physical right now, but they are not close by.

I feel like I have to let this play out, which is a sickening feeling. I just don't see any other options at this point. His problem. His journey. I hope he feels like crap! He's got 14 yr old hormones on steroids, so it seems. And he's got women willing to be used. It's weird that I feel so unemotional towards it right now, shouldn't I be crying my eyes out? I feel like that's not my husband, and he's already cheated on me. Maybe I've already cried those tears. I just wish something would land on his head and knock him into the deep rock bottom where he can pull his head out and grow up. Yeah I know. He is a long ways away. Can something just fall on his head anyway?

I'm distancing myself more, more than I ever have, but still being nice around him, when I have to be around him. No more playing games on the phone with him since first booty call night. He keeps sending requests, but I'm done.

He went to S8's game on Saturday. I dropped S off and went to park the car. H immediately sent me texts wondering why I wasn't coming in. During the game he wanted to talk to me about what he had been up to that weekend (not including OW of course!) He got me a drink without me asking and was super attentive. He wanted to come over and play games with the boys after and I said that was fine. He asked me twice if I wanted to play with them and I said no that's okay. I was going to do laundry. Mind you I'm super sweet, super friendly to him, always, not giving him the cold shoulder, just I'm busy. He came in the room before leaving to thank me and to let me know he was going.

Today he calls and I ignore it. So then he does the call cell, call home, call cell, text, call cell dance. I took a nap. I call him back two hours later and left a message saying sorry I missed his call, I was asleep, and to let me know if he needed something. He called about 5 mins later. Kind of funny convo. He wanted to let me know that he had changed his plans and was going to see my brother's kids on a different day next week. I said okay. He was pretty flustered, kept saying, "I can't remember what else I was going to tell you." And then he said, "Oh do you care if I just stop in and say hi to the boys before I go to your brothers?" I said that was fine. So then I went and took a bath.

H showed up while I was in the tub and so he came in and talked through the door and I told him the boys were downstairs. A few mins later the boys came running to ask me if they could go with their dad to see my brother. I said sure. So then H comes to the door and says, "Did you say yes?" I said, "yes that's fine, they just need to be back for bedtime." He said, "I didn't think you'd say yes. I just don't know what time I'd be back, and he doesn't have the kids, and..." so then he talks the kids out of going because it would be boring and the other kids aren't there. Could be he is making another booty call after, but I thought it was pretty funny. I never came out before he left. He just said bye through the door and that he could take the kids whenever I needed him too. He has been happy and pleasant every time I've been around him for the past few weeks now.

Well maybe I was wrong. No booty call so far tonight. Must be a school night.

[Raine]

Is it really MLC? Am I just kidding myself? Three months ago he was so much more concerned, breaking down at the thought of me leaving for good and doing everything to keep me intact. Now he is off maintaining three different "relationships" and screwing anything that moves. It's odd how things change so drastically in so little time. The more I pull away the farther down the rabbit hole he goes from who he was and what he stood for. I feel like I'm standing for something that goes against everything I ever believed in. Today he said that a year ago he thought his unhappiness was from his job. Now he is very satisfied in his new job and realized it was something else. I guess that means me. He seems oh so happy and that is likely not true but he is sure wearing that mask right now.

[TSquared2]

Hi Hopper,

My W went through her cycles and "reasons", when one reason wasn't "it", she found another, and another until she exhausted all the cheeseless tunnels and was left with the mirror...

When she was playing multiple men, some of which became EAs, maybe PAs (still don't know for sure) it was a big drug, had to have/do more to maintain the ego "high". She was special for once (in her mind) and she was flying high...maybe some of this is at play with your H? Got 3 stringing along, he's a "player"? Know what I mean?

Then the OMs showed their true colors, W couldn't maintain the high energy level required to keep the high going and fighting off those barely conscious nagging feelings she was running from...

I say give it time, he will probably exhaust himself, then maybe the real issue will dawn on him... but then some don't, they just keep running and hiding, making new reasons up as they go.

It's odd how things change so drastically in so little time. The more I pull away the farther down the rabbit hole he goes from who he was and what he stood for.

Yes, I believe it is a necessary part of the process, they have to go as far down the rabbit hole as they need to find their core issues...kinda like raising teenagers, sometimes you just have to pull back and let them find their own limits, let reality bite back, let them struggle and through this pain, something is truly learned, resolved within.

Oh man, do things change drastically and quickly...there were times with W when they changed hourly...lol. Best thing you can do is lovingly detach as much as possible, watch like a scientist studying an alien planet, and take notes for when you have teenagers in bloom...

Hang in there!!

T^2

[SunnyBurst]

Hi Hopper, My W went through her cycles and "reasons", when one reason wasn't "it", she found another, and another until she exhausted all the cheeseless tunnels and was left with the mirror... When she was playing multiple men, some of which became EAs, maybe PAs (still don't know for sure) it was a big drug, had to have/do more to maintain the ego "high". She was special for once (in her mind) and she was flying high...maybe some of this is at play with your H? Got 3 stringing along, he's a "player"? Know what I mean? Then the OMs showed their true colors, W couldn't maintain the high nergy level required to keep the high going and fighting off those barely conscious nagging feelings she was running from...
I say give it time, he will probably exhaust himself, then maybe the real issue will dawn on him... but then some don't, they just keep running and hiding, making new reasons up as they go.

It's odd how things change so drastically in so little time. The more I pull away the farther down the rabbit hole he goes from who he was and what he stood for.

Yes, I believe it is a necessary part of the process, they have to go as far down the rabbit hole as they need to find their core issues...kinda like raising teenagers, sometimes you just have to pull back and let them find their own limits, let reality bite back, let them struggle and through this pain, something is truly learned, resolved within.

Oh man, do things change drastically and quickly...there were times with W when they changed hourly...lol. Best thing you can do is lovingly detach as much as possible, watch like a scientist studying an alien planet, and take notes for when you have teenagers in bloom... Hang in there!! :)T^2

Listen to T2 I didn't now I will be divorced in a matter of months if I just kept my mouth shut and let her have her affair - do what she needed to do - do what I needed to do - I wouldn't be getting divorced right now - all I did was prove I am the same medling fool I always was.

Sunny

[Raine]

T^2 you're totally right. He was too shy, too self conscience in his teens. Now he is living like he is the big man on campus. Fantasy world meet reality. I'm hanging. I don't like it, but I'm doing it anyway.

I hope OWs show true colors, but at least two of them seem satisfied with mere attention. There is one is the wild card who could start making demands. But doesn't make sense that he would honestly give into them when he doesn't care enough to make her his only.

He is back to "talking" in depressing song again and I always feel like he is trying to talk to me or at least engage me when he does this. I don't think it's possible he realizes how much he hit the nail on the head with the last series, where the underlying theme is that the sins of the father are visited on the son and that this person is messed up because of his parents. Also that it's not going to stop until you face it and deal with it. And finally a plea to be saved. Just random songs? It doesn't feel like anything is random anymore.

Sunny you proved you are human. That is what is so hard for me right now. H is an alien, but I feel like I am one too. It's not natural to hold all this in. It [censored]. Holding it in can hurt just as much as the pain of the betrayal. And it may not even make any difference. You love too much. You care too much. You feel too much. Those are qualities we all want from someone. How can anyone think anything but admiration for that?

[Raine]

What are the differences between MLC and WAS? Any good resources for that? Does it matter? All pretty much the same as far as dealing with it?

I think relationship is getting much more serious with OW#1, spending a lot more time together. Also, H seems to be much happier. He is going out a lot more, instead of the usual sit at home for days. He is messaging me more, but also saying things like, I just needed to tell you this so you weren't surprised when you saw it, or some other reason for needing to tell me. Finance talk, that sort of thing. He is posting songs that I would read into one day, sending me jokes the next day. He is very nice to me, as I am to him. Asking me if I need help with things, before running to spend time with OW. Feels like more of his old self. Just a weird position to be in where I know what he is doing, and he likely feels like I'm just another pawn in his game. His birthday is coming up. I don't know what to do about that one.

[Raine]

Man oh man oh man. How did this become my life? Mama said there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this Mama said. Would have been nice if Mama actually did say there would be days like this and I could have ran the opposite direction.

Roommate of H contacts me today, to get a hold of H. Is that weird or what? He looked me up online to contact me, just as he could have done the same to reach H. I told H and he was not happy, but saying that he shouldn't be annoyed by it, but he is. H says this guy has been asking him all these questions about me, and stocking me online. I am so creeped out. H proceeds to compliment me, my appearance, my qualities, yadda yadda, and how guys are so into this and that about me, but this guy is no where near good enough for me. What the hell!?! I am married. I'm pregnant. Why the hell is my H talking to me about other guys? Where the hell is his head? I can't help it and I start to get emotional on the phone. I told him I don't want to talk about it anymore and he apologizes for upsetting me. I just said I'm not in that place right now. I am so far removed from the thought of other guys. This has just really messed me up. I don't think it's the guy, it's that H is sitting there talking to me about me being with someone else.

He then lets me know that things are going good. That he is in a routine and he likes that, time for him, time for the boys. (Yes the whole 4 hours a week of time for the boys is great.) I am sure he is relived by the thought of me eventually being with someone else and not his responsibility while he can go and f-k whoever he wants and not feel guilty about it. He then says he has been looking at a place even closer to me, without roommates, so he can take the boys more. All I'm thinking of is so it's easier for him to have a place to bring women. He seems happy. He's talking about more permanent situations for himself. I guess I'll believe it when I see it. Believe nothing he says right. Can I just fast forward my life few years so I don't have to tell myself over and over to detach, detach, detach. Your H is gone?

[reachingHigher]

Hopper,

I'm so sorry to hear this latest grief! I know how painful it is when our spouses hang on to us like the base they need, while reaching out more and more to replay actions "out there". I know this grieves you so.

I looked back over some texting and journaling of mine from last summer and a month after my H got his own place he was saying that the planned three months' separation wouldn't be long enough and how happy he was with his life. He looked so happy in all the party pics with other girls on FB but with me or at home he ALWAYS looked glum and sad.

Your H reminds me a lot of my H but I didn't have confirmation of PA with OW. He just told me he wasn't attracted to any one specific woman, but felt attraction to ALL women. Sigh. It makes it so hard for us, I know, and you are pregnant!

My H repeatedly told me how I would be happier with someone else, he would already be long gone if I had found someone, how someone else would finally allow me to do the things I'd always wanted to do in my life, etc., etc., etc.

I'm so sorry for the pain.

Let us know how things go for you. You are doing great, I think! Really great with handling your sitch

Hugs,

rH

[Raine]

Thanks so much rH. It's comforting to know that others out there have also experienced this and that it doesn't last. I do think that my H does want all women to want him, no matter what they looked like or anything about them, well except for me. It's very hard for me when he compliments me. I tell him thanks, but inside it makes me feel uncomfortable. I have a hard time getting over the things that I shouldn't be surprised about. It still hurts even though it's not necessarily true. I hate that he says things to people like, "I left my wife." Not that we separated but he left me. He'll also say I just see it as a break but he is moving towards divorce. Yet he has only said that to me once, as part of his opening up that I would never be able to forgive him. He just sounds really egotistical and uncompassionate.

I told him I'd like to take him to dinner for his bday and he said that would be fine. This is the only time I've asked him to go do something with me since he left, other than inviting him to family holiday stuff. This will be the first time just us. I felt like I needed to do it. I didn't want OW taking him out on that day, although I'm sure she'll do it some other night. I think he is doing late night visits with her every night now. He can spend hours and hours with her, not the entire night, but it's seems to be harder for him to spend more than 2 hours here with the boys.