Limbo Land II

[AnotherStander]

Seems to me that if that's everybodys advice these days why bother with calling this Divorce Busting, why try to stay together, why not everybody just get the mentality of "move on"? If that's truly the case for DBing, to just make yourself a better person and "move on" under the guise of saving your R, then it is very deceiving.

Well, DB'ing is all about saving your R by removing the focus from your GF and putting the focus on the only thing you have control over- yourself. Make yourself the better option, the BF only a fool would leave. The more we focus on our spouse the more it drives them away and the more it prevents us from addressing our own problems that need solving.

A lot of people think that because DB'ing is about putting the focus on ourselves that it is somehow ignoring the M, but that's not the case. If you blossom and bear fruit as an individual, this is what may draw the WAS back. By focusing on yourself you in turn repair the R. That's what "it takes one to tango" means.

Now there is the side benefit about DB'ing that is worth mentioning- that when you make yourself a better person then you win whether your GF comes back or not. That doesn't mean DB'ing is anti-R, it's only a statement that there are no guarantees in life. If you truly detach, GAL and make yourself the strong, independent person that DB'ing teaches, then you WILL arrive at the point that you KNOW you will be fine with or without your GF. THAT is the goal. Often the LBS has to get to that point before the WAS realizes what they're missing.

[MrBond]

"The problem is she has often ambushed me on the phone, it starts off innocent and then turns ugly and ends up with the interrupting, me being quiet while she rails, or a few times me just hanging up and then I'm accused of being the immature one."

The problem is that you haven't learned anything from your interactions. She doesn't "ambush" you. It's the way you've interpreted and reacted to things. Even now when you interact with her, you're too afraid to talk to her on the phone. If you can't do that, how do you plan to interact with her in person? Start talking to her on the phone and get a dialogue going.

"First, AnotherStander & Tallula, thanks for the support. I appreciate it much more than the "give up and move on" attitude I get sometimes. "

This was a cheap shot and shows that you haven't really understood what many have been telling you.

First of all you're not M'd to her. She's your GF so the dynamic is different.

Second, those aren't your biological kids. Unfortunately that's the harsh reality. I'm sure you made an impact in their lives, but I believe you said the OM was her ex? That's a strong bond.

Third, you are still obsessing over her which isn't doing you any good. You're going through analysis paralysis where you analyze every move she makes that you are becoming unsure of what to do yourself. Not good at all.

Do I think you can get her back? Absolutely. BUT you are going to have to change your thinking and to a certain degree really let her go. That's the ONLY thing you haven't done. Everything you are doing hasn't worked. The only time you got a 'response' is when you actually listened to our advice and cleaned your place up. And we told you to do that for you and not for her.

You would be farther along if you really listened to what we were saying rather than following your interpretation of what we're saying.

[jzoom]

My apologies to everybody. I'm letting my emotions get the best of me.

I know how you feel. It's been so hard for me as well. I just want to go home and work things out with my husband. It's been 5 months and no real promise of getting back together. It hurts like hell!!

Thanks, I wish you the best.

What drew me to DB was the positivity. The positivity that you can heal the R, heal infidelity, and move on together.

You can. My wife and I are proof of that. But there are healthy and unhealthy ways of doing it, and there should be healthy limits and boundaries on what we are willing to accept as we walk our journey toward our ultimate goals of saving our marriage.

Hey, I get you. Hell, I WAS you. I ignored everyone's advice for TWO YEARS (and even argued with them), saying "you're wrong about my wife," before I finally got hit by the infidelity truck. A few of us are only trying to save you the pain, bro.

But I can see you want to "ignore the negativity," so I will stop posting on your thread, out of respect. I do wish you well, and sincerely hope I'm wrong, zoom. I really do.


Starsky

Well, perhaps I need to go read your story since you recovered from infidelity.

Seems to me that if that's everybodys advice these days why bother with calling this Divorce Busting, why try to stay together, why not everybody just get the mentality of "move on"? If that's truly the case for DBing, to just make yourself a better person and "move on" under the guise of saving your R, then it is very deceiving.

Well, DB'ing is all about saving your R by removing the focus from your GF and putting the focus on the only thing you have control over- yourself. Make yourself the better option, the BF only a fool would leave. The more we focus on our spouse the more it drives them away and the more it prevents us from addressing our own problems that need solving.

A lot of people think that because DB'ing is about putting the focus on ourselves that it is somehow ignoring the M, but that's not the case. If you blossom and bear fruit as an individual, this is what may draw the WAS back. By focusing on yourself you in turn repair the R. That's what "it takes one to tango" means.

Now there is the side benefit about DB'ing that is worth mentioning- that when you make yourself a better person then you win whether your GF comes back or not. That doesn't mean DB'ing is anti-R, it's only a statement that there are no guarantees in life. If you truly detach, GAL and make yourself the strong, independent person that DB'ing teaches, then you WILL arrive at the point that you KNOW you will be fine with or without your GF. THAT is the goal. Often the LBS has to get to that point before the WAS realizes what they're missing.

Actually trying to start reading through your whole story. Trying to get focused on how this is really supposed to work.

"The problem is she has often ambushed me on the phone, it starts off innocent and then turns ugly and ends up with the interrupting, me being quiet while she rails, or a few times me just hanging up and then I'm accused of being the immature one."

The problem is that you haven't learned anything from your interactions. She doesn't "ambush" you. It's the way you've interpreted and reacted to things. Even now when you interact with her, you're too afraid to talk to her on the phone. If you can't do that, how do you plan to interact with her in person? Start talking to her on the phone and get a dialogue going.

"First, AnotherStander & Tallula, thanks for the support. I appreciate it much more than the "give up and move on" attitude I get sometimes. "

This was a cheap shot and shows that you haven't really understood what many have been telling you.

First of all you're not M'd to her. She's your GF so the dynamic is different.

Second, those aren't your biological kids. Unfortunately that's the harsh reality. I'm sure you made an impact in their lives, but I believe you said the OM was her ex? That's a strong bond.

Third, you are still obsessing over her which isn't doing you any good. You're going through analysis paralysis where you analyze every move she makes that you are becoming unsure of what to do yourself. Not good at all.

Do I think you can get her back? Absolutely. BUT you are going to have to change your thinking and to a certain degree really let her go. That's the ONLY thing you haven't done. Everything you are doing hasn't worked. The only time you got a 'response' is when you actually listened to our advice and cleaned your place up. And we told you to do that for you and not for her.

You would be farther along if you really listened to what we were saying rather than following your interpretation of what we're saying.

As for the phone issue, right now I'm establishing the boundary that I'm not talking on the phone at work, that's why I'm not picking up at work. At home, yes, a bit of fear of the unknown.

OM that she is staying with right now is not her ex and not the father of any of her children.





Yes, cleaned b/c cleaning needed to be done and she noticed. When my emotions are flying out of control I'm just doing all I can not to backslide with her, which seems to be ranting and arguing on here.

As for what I had to text her today, it was about money she owes me and agreed to pay me...especially since this is in a timeframe when she says we weren't together. She's trying to give me some excuses but I'm holding her to it. I feel like an a-hole but I know I can't back down on it.

After her first response I ask about her bringing the kids over. She said she doesn't have them this weekend. I told her that I knew that and it could be a weeknight or if she wanted to wait until the next weekend she has them, whatever works...she hasn't responded to that, it's just continued on about the financial matter.

[swoop]

When my emotions are flying out of control I'm just doing all I can not to backslide with her, which seems to be ranting and arguing on here.

Ranting on here is fine. DO NOT do it with her or anyone else invloved in your sitch. However, you really need to work on the "arguing". Arguing implies your know what you're doing. If that is the case, why are you here? Arguing, ranting and fighting are guranteed routes to drive your GF away, like PRONTO. Your relationship has moved past the reasoning and negotiating stage. TODAY, you need to do nothing but Validate her, bite your lip, shut you mouth and LISTEN to what she is saying.

As for what I had to text her today, it was about money she owes me and agreed to pay me...especially since this is in a timeframe when she says we weren't together. She's trying to give me some excuses but I'm holding her to it. I feel like an a-hole but I know I can't back down on it.

Why can't you back down? Do you really need the money back or are you simlply using it as a leveraging tool? Are you using it as an excuse to text her and engage her on something, anything? Are you just trying to lash out and hurt her? Take a minute and ask yourself, "is fighting over this money going to help me get my GF back or just add additional conflict between us". Is the money more important than the relationship? Granted, I don't know how much money or what kind of circumstances are invloved with it. Only you can decide if it's worth fighting over, but make sure you do it for the right reasons.

[jzoom]

When my emotions are flying out of control I'm just doing all I can not to backslide with her, which seems to be ranting and arguing on here.

Ranting on here is fine. DO NOT do it with her or anyone else invloved in your sitch. However, you really need to work on the "arguing". Arguing implies your know what you're doing. If that is the case, why are you here? Arguing, ranting and fighting are guranteed routes to drive your GF away, like PRONTO. Your relationship has moved past the reasoning and negotiating stage. TODAY, you need to do nothing but Validate her, bite your lip, shut you mouth and LISTEN to what she is saying.

As for what I had to text her today, it was about money she owes me and agreed to pay me...especially since this is in a timeframe when she says we weren't together. She's trying to give me some excuses but I'm holding her to it. I feel like an a-hole but I know I can't back down on it.

Why can't you back down? Do you really need the money back or are you simlply using it as a leveraging tool? Are you using it as an excuse to text her and engage her on something, anything? Are you just trying to lash out and hurt her? Take a minute and ask yourself, "is fighting over this money going to help me get my GF back or just add additional conflict between us". Is the money more important than the relationship? Granted, I don't know how much money or what kind of circumstances are invloved with it. Only you can decide if it's worth fighting over, but make sure you do it for the right reasons.

That's why I apologized, I think I was arguing on here so I didn't argue with her, so I didn't lash out at her.

Going to keep working on other things to do so that I stay busy and focused.

The money, not going into specifics but I am NOT doing this as an excuse to engage her or lash out. As people have been telling me to set boundaries and look out for myself, this is part of boundary setting and making sure I take care of, and protect, myself.

[jzoom]

1:21pm she sends one last text (sort of excuse) about the financial stuff.

4:23pm Her: Hey what time will you been home

4:27pm Me: Sometime after 6

5:05pm Her: Ok

5:17pm Her: Don't know if you would want to help me out or not I'm at liberty tonight and I for *baby* and *oldest childs* ss numbers and I need them to file my taxes anyway you can send them to me. The folder was on the table.


So, I haven't responded to that. I have to go to Walmart for a few things right after work and then head home. Not sure what I should do here. Advice?

[MrBond]

I don't see what you mean by an 'excuse'? Just give her the numbers.

[jzoom]

Ha, no, I mean she was kind of giving me an excuse about the financial stuff and I just ignored it and didn't respond. She knows my stance on it so I'm not going to engage her when she gives excuses.

I was misunderstanding the text about the as numbers. Thinking she wanted the cards so that's why I was asking. I grabbed the cards and ran them out to her since I had other things to do anyway.

Needless to say she was surprised to see me and commented how I could've just texted. I told her I had to go out anyway and she was fine. Then I asked about something else and she violated an agreement (sorry, not getting into specifics here) and I got a bit agitated. I have a good reason and it's another boundary (seemingly harsh from her perspective) that I have to establish to cover my butt.

I texted after I walked out the door and she claimed it was a one time thing. I've heard, though, it's happening on a regular basis. She said sorry but then told me I didn't have to jump on her especially while she's at work. It's a serious issue so I refused to apologize when I've done nothing wrong. I told her that if it happens again she faces the consequences. She responded, "Ok jzoom", I know she wasn't happy but right now I don't care.

I then texted and asked a general housekeeping kind of question. She said she hadn't been able to do it b/c she was at work all day and hadn't even eaten. I said ok and asked if she wanted anything to eat which she declined b/c she's leaving soon.

[MrBond]

"She said sorry but then told me I didn't have to jump on her especially while she's at work."

You shouldn't have bothered her at work about it. There's a time and place for everything.

"It's a serious issue so I refused to apologize when I've done nothing wrong. I told her that if it happens again she faces the consequences."

She's not a child. When you talk to someone...anyone like that, do you think that will really have them respect you more?

[jzoom]

True, saying anything while she was at work was wrong of me. At the same time (and I realize this is probably going to end up being one of those "I should be the bigger person" type things) if she's going to continue acting like a spoiled teenager then I'm going to treat her like a spoiled teenager.