Time for me

[Spartan]

So where do those fears REALLY come from ???

Why do they still affect you so much ?

When you start to understand those fears, then you will start to see how fear overtakes your interactions. you start acting out of fear, and it drives the poor habits that you have acquired over the years.

Read your post at least 5 times today and have thought a lot about all of it. All you guys make me think so much about myself in ways I never have before. It's enlightening and I'm starting to already feel a difference in the way I think about things.

I'm realizing today that fear has really driven a lot of who I am. Not all for the bad because it was a driver for me to have many successes (fear of failure) but I can easily see how fear has hurt my R with W. Looking back I think the big shift in me happened when she had a PA 8 years ago and we never really resolved the hurt I felt. I've been afraid to trust her since then. At least through all this I did bring it up during one of our talks and let her know how much it hurt. Not much of a response from her but I honestly felt better and it felt like a huge weight was lifted off me. For some strange reason I felt like that helped me get over it if that makes any sense.

Maybe start recognizing the triggers, or behaviors that trigger you interjecting emotion into your conversations. Start digging into the "whys" of you becoming emotional.

Make sense ???

The other fear I didn't mention is the fear of not being loved/ respected. In my thinking today my trigger, and I can't believe I never really put it together, is when my W acts like she doesn't care about me or the topic. When she shuts down, shows she doesn't care about me, or is obviously lying is when my emotions erupt. That's when I start reacting on emotion, all rationality is lost, and the stupid, many times complete nonsensical, thoughts come out of my mouth. I will pay more attention to this and if I feel I can't stay rational I'll just walk away but my goal is to not let it affect me in this way.

You don't need to prove to her that you don't care. You can detach and still care. You need to act as if. You need to work on yourself. Believe it or not if you had the mindset that it was over (plan for the worst, hope for the best) it would help take the focus off your W and you could really look inward at yourself.

I'm trying to get to this point. Until I can detach I'll continue to act as if. Been doing good since last Thursday (I know not that long but baby steps).

Spartan it is not over until it is over. Keep working on you and don't help the D in any sort of way, unless you want a D.

I will now admit I don't want D. As you guys know I've thought about leaving/ quitting many times but I realized (again today) that it was more out of fear and not something I ever wanted. No matter what she's done in past or how I feel I've been treated I do love my W and want to stay M.

Fear was eating me alive before W moved out. Nasty scenarios played out against my eyelids like some horror movie every night when I tried to sleep. I would have given anything to keep her home so I didn't have to face those fears.

The nasty scenarios I used to play out happened during the past several years when she'd go out. I was always afraid she'd do something again and/or was lying to me. It made things so much worse then they ever had to be. I was a controlling freak for a while there. Thank God I'm getting past that. I don't give it much thought anymore when she's out or working late and it's getting better with every passing day. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel where I really will be detached. Still not there but I think getting closer.

One thing I realized today is I'm not afraid of a future without my W. I don't want that for me (or my kids) but this isn't what keeps me up worrying. I know I can handle a house, I'm a great parent, I make good money, and I don't think I'll have issues dating when I'm ready.