Help/Advice needed please...

[25yearsmlc]

IMO

GAL mandates meeting new people. Getting out of the comfort zone too. Along with what I mentioned earlier, I joined a writer's group and took a French class, and a cooking class and a pottery class---way different for me. Also auditioned for shows in the community and eventually did stand up comedy.

But in each case it meant meeting new people who did NOT know of my marital sitch. IT really helps. That's why we hammer it.

So, GAL and meet new people. Get yourself there somehow. No taxis in town? NO bikes? No rides available? You'll NEVER buy another car or what?

I mean, how long will "walking to the bar" be your GAL? It's part of how you got where you are. It'd be the first thing I'd drop, frankly. And can you host something at your home? Poker?

Rent a comedy and have some friends over? Ask for a ride from someone else doing your new GAL activity? But do something new/different.

Your w won't return - unless she thinks marriage to you can be better/different than before. Your job is to show her that it can be.

Not easy to do perhaps, but not complicated either..

[Intact]

IMO

GAL mandates meeting new people. Getting out of the comfort zone too. Along with what I mentioned earlier, I joined a writer's group and took a French class, and a cooking class and a pottery class---way different for me. Also auditioned for shows in the community and eventually did stand up comedy.

But in each case it meant meeting new people who did NOT know of my marital sitch. IT really helps. That's why we hammer it.

So, GAL and meet new people. Get yourself there somehow. No taxis in town? NO bikes? No rides available? You'll NEVER buy another car or what?

I mean, how long will "walking to the bar" be your GAL? It's part of how you got where you are. It'd be the first thing I'd drop, frankly. And can you host something at your home? Poker?

Rent a comedy and have some friends over? Ask for a ride from someone else doing your new GAL activity? But do something new/different.

Your w won't return - unless she thinks marriage to you can be better/different than before. Your job is to show her that it can be.

Not easy to do perhaps, but not complicated either..

You're absolutely right. This morning I have joined a keep fit class - and I'm talking to someone later about running a photography evening course one evening a week. These should be good ways of meeting new people without having to go to the bar.

Thank you for your advice - it is very much appreciated. I am learning as I'm going at the moment, and really don't want to make too many mistakes...

My wife is coming around today to collect the last of her things, I know it's important to act cheerful and confident around her... And I will do.

[Intact]

Well my wife arrived and collected the last of her things - it's strange but now they've gone I think they were helping to comfort me as it still felt like "our" home.

I was very confident and happy in front of her and we talked a lot - just everyday chit chat and about our son etc - we still seem to get on so well.

I did think of something she said the other night that strikes me as odd. She told me "I've been so close to knocking on the door so many times and trying to work things out" when she said that I felt something is obviously pulling her in the other direction - obviously the OM.

She seemed happy today (can't tell if its an act or not) but for the first time since I've known her I actually think she has started to look her age.

I spoke to her mum yesterday who told me up until the OM, the nits she didn't have our son, she would just sit in her room crying. I wonder if that's guilt, a sense of loss or perhaps she feels conflicted.

I just can't help but think we could of overcome these problems together and been happy - as a couple and as a family - I so dearly wish she felt the same.

I'm trying to be strong and stick to my 180s but I'm down at the moment, and it just feels like I've lost her forever.

[Spartan]

I'm trying to be strong and stick to my 180s but I'm down at the moment, and it just feels like I've lost her forever.

Sorry your feeling down but know there are a lot of people thinking about you and supporting you. You'll get through this and will be much stronger no matter how it turns out. Do you have any GALing planned? If not try to get something setup for the next couple days to keep you busy. Keep your head up and continue to work on you.

[Intact]

I'm trying to be strong and stick to my 180s but I'm down at the moment, and it just feels like I've lost her forever.

Sorry your feeling down but know there are a lot of people thinking about you and supporting you. You'll get through this and will be much stronger no matter how it turns out. Do you have any GALing planned? If not try to get something setup for the next couple days to keep you busy. Keep your head up and continue to work on you.

Thank you - I do appreciate your words - she just popped back round because she had forgot a box of stuff - I could tell she has been crying. It all feels so very, very wrong.

I know it doesn't work like this but I still feel she will snap out of this and come to her senses - it obviously won't happen but that's how it feels sometimes.

[LBH_LC]

I'm in a similar situation to you; hang in there.

[Intact]

Odd question here - I am reading the book but not finished yet - is it a good idea for me to see other women?

I mean, it just seems wrong that she's with OM and I'm alone but I really don't want to do anything that could harm my chances with my W?

[25yearsmlc]

Odd question here - I am reading the book but not finished yet - is it a good idea for me to see other women?

YES it's an odd question and NO, it's a terrible idea. (Are you serious?)

What would that prove about your desire to reconcile? What's your "staying power" in a committed relationship like, a week?

Yes, sure, SOMEDAY you'll date. You know this. The only dating now would be unfair to OWs b/c you're nowhere near ready to be in a new, real relationship.

And the idea that some game will get your w back is superficial at best, manipulative at worst.

What are your 180s? Seems you deflect away from YOUR OWN WORK ON YOU to talk about her and what SHE is doing or thinking...Stop doing that.

And as for her being "happy", can't she say the same about YOU? After all, you chose to act happy around her.

I'd have said to act upbeat and as if you'll be alright no matter what SHE does b/c you are improving as a man and becoming a man only a fool would leave.

But the game playing sounds immature to me.

I mean, it just seems wrong that she's with OM and I'm alone but I really don't want to do anything that could harm my chances with my W?

"it seems wrong that she's with OM & I'm alone"....SO I'LL DO SOMETHING WRONG TOO, AND THEN WE'RE EVEN... um, does that sound "adult like" to you?

Tell me how it felt for HER to be your "wife"? Did it ever feel "alone" to her?

You can be mysterious and not act as if you'll wait all your life for her. Yes you can do THAT...but to date OW now? Just wrong.

Oh and as for whether it'd "harm my chances w/my w"...of course it would.

What are you even saying here? Honestly, you think if you both date others -THAT will fix things?

What are you doing to show her that marriage to you can be better/different than before?

B/C until/unless your w believes that it can be better/different than before,

she won't come home.

But part of your GAL ought to include dressing up with nice new clothes, a new cologne and haircut, etc. You can IMPLY that OWs will notice you...

Go out with some friends or do some other GAL activity for real...and that will be enough for her to get the idea.

Again, what are YOUR 180s? Tell me how you are a man only a fool would leave.

When you believe the reasons you give, it'll show. THAT will be attractive.

and oh, btw, FINISH THE BOOK. Come on, It's not that long.

[Intact]

Odd question here - I am reading the book but not finished yet - is it a good idea for me to see other women?

YES it's an odd question and NO, it's a terrible idea. (Are you serious?)

What would that prove about your desire to reconcile? What's your "staying power" in a committed relationship like, a week?

Yes, sure, SOMEDAY you'll date. You know this. The only dating now would be unfair to OWs b/c you're nowhere near ready to be in a new, real relationship.

And the idea that some game will get your w back is superficial at best, manipulative at worst.

What are your 180s? Seems you deflect away from YOUR OWN WORK ON YOU to talk about her and what SHE is doing or thinking...Stop doing that.

And as for her being "happy", can't she say the same about YOU? After all, you chose to act happy around her.

I'd have said to act upbeat and as if you'll be alright no matter what SHE does b/c you are improving as a man and becoming a man only a fool would leave.

But the game playing sounds immature to me.

I mean, it just seems wrong that she's with OM and I'm alone but I really don't want to do anything that could harm my chances with my W?

"it seems wrong that she's with OM & I'm alone"....SO I'LL DO SOMETHING WRONG TOO, AND THEN WE'RE EVEN... um, does that sound "adult like" to you?

Tell me how it felt for HER to be your "wife"? Did it ever feel "alone" to her?

You can be mysterious and not act as if you'll wait all your life for her. Yes you can do THAT...but to date OW now? Just wrong.

Oh and as for whether it'd "harm my chances w/my w"...of course it would.

What are you even saying here? Honestly, you think if you both date others -THAT will fix things?

What are you doing to show her that marriage to you can be better/different than before?

B/C until/unless your w believes that it can be better/different than before,

she won't come home.

But part of your GAL ought to include dressing up with nice new clothes, a new cologne and haircut, etc. You can IMPLY that OWs will notice you...

Go out with some friends or do some other GAL activity for real...and that will be enough for her to get the idea.

Again, what are YOUR 180s? Tell me how you are a man only a fool would leave.

When you believe the reasons you give, it'll show. THAT will be attractive.

and oh, btw, FINISH THE BOOK. Come on, It's not that long.

Thank you - the book only arrived the other day as I had to importit from the states...

My 180s

Financial management/competence
Getting fit
No nagging
Housework - cooking cleaning etc.
Always chatting to her - small talk

GAL - joined a fitness club, joined a cookery course, starting to teach photography, new hobby - film making.

If there's anything else I could add to my 180si would be happy to do so - but these were her main complaints,

[Intact]

Also wanted to ask - its our anniversary coming up - what should I do? Should I even acknowledge it at all?