I want him to be happy

[stilllookingup]

QUESTION, please share your thoughts...

Since I started DB-ing early Nov, I haven’t told/showed my H my feelings AT ALL and I don’t know if I’m doing this right.

I haven’t simply because I did not want to smother him with my emotions and wanted him to have his time and space.
When we sat down after D dropped, I poured out my feelings and said I now understand this and that. (I didn’t beg him to stay ) He didn’t say much and said “You talk like everything is going to be ok and I really don’t know” That moment, I knew I wasn’t giving him space for him to do the thinking on his own and my telling him my feelings was confusing him even more. Mind you at this time he wasn’t even interested in trial separation. It seemed like D was the only way to get out.

I was re-reading his email he sent me last week and I can’t help but to wonder if he knows my feelings for him and this marriage haven’t changed even a little bit? Of course I don’t want to tell him that I will be waiting but I wonder if I should let him know that this (D or S) is not what I want but I’m supporting your decisions (moving out) because I know it’s taking a toll on both of us. He didn’t mention D and only talked about moving out this time but I know I shouldn’t have expectations that he will consider R.

Because I try to look content at home I often wonder if he’s thinking if I’ve moved on or if I want to move on with my life w/o him.

I ask this because when we broke up before getting married, we were almost NC for 4 months. After 2 months in I said something like I’d be in your area but I wouldn’t want to see you (I only said that because I didn’t want him to think I was expecting something. I was still deeply in love with him.) Another 2 months passed and I was really going to be in his area but was not planning on letting him know. I ended up just mentioning it and he just wished me to have a safe flight. I was bummed and said “oh so you don’t wanna see me?” and he said “I thought you didn’t want to see me. Never mind then! When will you be here?!?” If I hadn’t said the last word, I still don’t know if we had ever gotten married.

Any thoughts?!?

Thank you