New to DB~~seeking insight

[AnotherStander]

Ok, so backslide last night...what do I do to "fix" this?

They happen to all of us, you just learn from it and move on with your DB'ing. Don't lose any sleep over it. Keep in mind that your sitch didn't happen because of one single event and one event is not going to save it or break it now either.

[KikiDoll]

Hearing H say "last night was a step backwards" was sad. Do I act"as if" and DB hardcore?

[KikiDoll]

So much has happened since my last post. so much that it would take too long to catch up.

Here is where we stand. In September, approached me to talk about M. He felt nothing has chanced, still not happy, feels we are leading separate lives (guess DB was noticed? is it backfiring?), said he was the only one who ever initiated R talk 9again DB?). Talk escalated and I calmly asked him if he was "done", and he said "I guess so." Broken heart

Two days later, he wanted to talk again. mentioned D right away. I thought he was thinking separation. he seemed surprised at that. He wanted to make a "list." I told him that since our S was starting 1st grade that week, we needed to give him a fair chance to get adjusted. He agreed to wait a few weeks. i also told h that this was not what I wanted,I was going to fight "stand" for my marriage. I also said I would not move out, as I was the primary caretaker for our son, due to H's work schedule.
I made a few points, never cried, listened to his thoughts, but agreed to nothing. That was the first week of Sept and nothing has been said since.

H is still at home and over the summer the coworker who I suspected a EA with, "friended" me on FB...in my mind it was "keep your enemies" close. She invited our family to her house with her h and 2 children. i expected a big 4th of July BBQ, but it was just 4 couples and it was a good time. She was friendly, relaxed, inclusive and affectionate with her H. I actually had a nice time. H called me into her kitchen to include me in telling a funny story. Since then, we have been there 1 more time, just our families for dinner and football. !?!?

Everything else is still the same...H sleeps on couch. makes no move upstairs, no intimacy (over a year) or hugs, etc. I have seen some positive steps...teeny, tiny ones, then he retreats.

Now he is working a parttime retail job and very friendly with a coworker...here we go again...he texts her all evening...he was just recently married and has 2 young boys. What is so hard is that he is making friends with these married women, who are "happily" married, but can't talk to me?!?

How can he ever begin to recommit to our M, if he is getting some sort of emotional-friendly needs met from these women...AUGH!!

[KikiDoll]

Ok...thoughts?

So, h hasn't mowed the lawn in over 2 months. This weekend, why I had S at a party, he started mowing/raking. When we got home, I said we would come help. "No! It's MY job." he had been in a mood for 2 days and the anger in him was evident...I asid OK and went to clean out the garden and prep for winter. S wanted total attention and H wanted to get yard done, so S and I played football, soccer and jumped on the trampoline...laughing and having fun.

So after 2 months of neglecting the yard, wanting a divorce, etc, he suddenly stakes claim to his yard!

[Mimi00]

Welcome back!

Him caring for the lawn could be for many reasons.
But since you can only control you and know what you are thinking....how did you react after he was finished, did you tell him thanks or that the lawn looked nice?

If your H keeps making new friends, well you just continue to make them your friends too, if possible....I think its great you all went to the coworkers house and had a good time. Your able to show your H and the coworkers he talks to what a great person you are to be around.

I didn't have a chance to read your old posts...but what have you been doing as GALs and 180s?

[Mimi00]

I forgot to add.... I totally understand how you feel about DB backsliding....my first thread was titled "DB seemingly Backfired on my H???"

Unfortunately after my big Db debut....he moved away...so i don't have a chance to try something different...I had one shot.

Now that you see certain things may not be working well....adjust...try something different and see if you get a better result.

Keep posting on your sitch and I'm sure you'll get some great advice.

[Mimi00]

*I ment to say backfiring not backsliding

[KdogGS]

Sounds like he may be depressed? I agree with Mimi, find ways to compliment what he is doing positively. Especially if he took the time to do the yard after neglecting it for 2 months.

Re-read the depression section in divorce remedy. How would you act around him if you expected him to be happy and give you a good response?

[KikiDoll]

Thanks for the replies. Eventhough he was in a miserable mood while while doing the yard...can't blame him, LOL. I did tell him he did a nice job on the lawn. He muttered a quiet "thanks" and that was it. S6 and I made dinner together and we ate together. H was still closed off to me and seemed so angry.

Yes, I do think depression and MLC are definitely players in our sitch. H ver dealt with the loss of our twins nd almost loosing me. I was a very hard time for all, but he bottled so much up inside. I wish he would seek IC, but will not.

I am still so confused. He mentions divorce 2 1/2 months ago, then nothing..don't get me wrong, i want time on my side.

[KikiDoll]

HE works in mysterous ways!

So after working from 8:30-5 at fulltime job, H went to retail job from 5;30-9:30. Now with the holidays approaching, he will have more and more hours on evenings and weekends. BLECH!

i fell asleep and woke up at 10:30...no H. Given our sitch, I went to a dark place and wondered where is he?!? **On a side note, he doesn't go out with friends after work, no 'buddies" to go to the bar with and when he is not working, he is either at the gym or at home.

Around 10:40pm, i texted him, "Everything OK?" A few minutes later, he responded, "Yes, Y?" I texted back, "OK, I just thought you worked until 9:30." no reply

At 11pm, he got home. When he came upstairs, I just said, "Hi...long night?"

He replied, "Yeah, I worked until 10:15. and I got a speeding ticket on way home. 47 in a 30..reduced to 42." Looks like it will be $$ plus points.

I honestly felt like laughing...me for being suspicious, but also for the fact that there seemed to be some sort of Divine intervention working.

This morning, he had a hair appointment (trying the hair club program to reduce receding hairline since DEC. Can you say MLC!?!?) at 7:30am. I was going to take S6 to a breakfast with Santa. **I was going to text H to see if he got done early, did he want to meet us there.

As we got closer to leaving S said, he wanted to relax and have breakfast at home. H called home and asked what time was the breakfast and I told him about S not wanting to go. He said maybe "he will want to go out for breakfast instead then." H asked to talk to S and mentioned eating out.

OK, here is where I goofed...when h got home they were getting ready, I was all showered and dressed. He kep saying, "Are you ready Bud, get your shoes on, etc." **Honestly, i didn't know I was included..i hoped, but didn't know!

I hear H say "Are you ready?" And S says, "Yes. Can Mommy go too?." H says, "Yeah. Are are you coming?" (he actually sounds surprised.

Now given the situation, I was taken aback...I wish I had just said, "yeah, let me get my shoes." BUT Instead, I said, "I didn't know if I could come." STUPID me!! *h looked at me like "What the h@ll?" Maybe I am reading into it, but I wish I had held my tongue!!

Here again, Divine Intervention was at work...S changes mind about breakfast allowing for some family time together and I BLEW it!

**I never was very religious, but after a year of being very depressed about the twins dying and all the grieve, I looked to prayer and church for comfort. Through that journey, I discovered rejoice marriage ministries. God speaks in mysterious ways!