Journaling: My H came home this morning to my bdroom door closed. I have never done that before, but I went to bed feeling that everyday he makes my decision easier to no longer want him in my life.
I have really been holding on to the last straw here, the last reason to not give up hope. I have been considering family ties and a long history as my last ditch effort to convince myself he's worth it, it's not working!
The spew out of his mouth over the last 2yrs has actually worked against him tainting even that long history. Not everything he spewed was accurate, but there is always some truth in what he says. Not only that, he has already (with his big mouth) began/tried to sabotage the future.
The sitch w/ea is as volatile as ever threats at H work, threats on H vm, name calling, hatred, and as he tolerates that and holds on to the need for that he is completely taking away any chance for me to even consider trying. He called her his friend last wk, I said good for you, because that's more than we are, we are nothing to each other!
It rocked him, but he is not moved. I see that he may be trying to peek out from that tunnel, only I see that he is bring the alien w/him as his new character. Hiding behind that guy may be the only way he can function w/o ending up on the couch for 3 days. Real change will only come with meds for that dep monster then maybe the alien can retreat back.
Regardless, it's what I want! Again, I have my own insecurities to work out!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
