Confused beyond belief

[stilllookingup]

It sounds like he didn't know how to make you happy. A big turn off for a man. And he still doesn't know how to make you happy. I'm guilty of the same behavior, by the way. My guess is it will take some time for him to start feeling comfortable with you, provided you are doing the right things.

Thank you Bright Future for your insights. H knew very well how to make me happy. I told him very clearly and gave him positive feedback when he did things that I liked. He CHOSE not to do these things out of anger and resentment. This is what H told me.

It sounds to me too he didn't know how to make you happy because you were difficult to please. Maybe by the time he knew how to make you happy, he didn't want to do them any more because he was already WAS..

I'm sorry but your story struck me because "old you" reminds me of "old me" I was always counting on my H to make me happy and when he didn't I somehow blamed him. When a man is reminded every day he can't make his wife happy, like BF said I'm sure it was a turn-off.

My H too had reached his breaking point in July and I had an awakening. Just like you, I was game. I started going to IC, initiated sex more, arranged us to go to group session as suggested by my C, planned mini trips.. Everything seemed to be improving... although from time to time I noticed his sad face. Again I chose to ignore those little signs. Then 3 months later he dropped D word. I was probably as shocked as you were. I don't quite know if your H and my H are similar in personality but I see both definitely cope with sadness and rejection by playing computer games. He did tell me that he'd play games to not go crazy. Your H chose even more intense way to ease the emotional pain. Here we are, wishing they had communicated their feelings to us before going to D.. but the truth is I think my H tried his hardest to communicate that to me but I was too busy trying to make me happy I couldn't see it.

I believe that I am an amazing person. H also says this--he says I am a wonderful friend, a generous person, an amazing mother--I have been lazy in my friendship with him at best, and dismissive, rude, grumpy and mean at worst. Careless. I am sure he hasn't felt special in my eyes for a long time.

Again, this hits me hard.

I hope your H would come around and consider R in the future. It's been almost 3 months of DB-ing for me and while I'm definitely a better person, it certainly doesn't make me love/miss him less.