Okay, so your next step is to validate her the next time she brings it up, say that although this is not what you would want for you and your family, you certainly won't stand in her way, if this is what she needs to do. Don't accelerate the process by helping out, but do not hinder either . Don't bring up D, you'd be surprised at how little some S's actually approach the subject after the initial "I want it now' talk. Continue exactly as you are DBing, and leave the arrangements to her.
Agree with VP...always love the "you never" statements lol!!
You will feel better as time goes on and remember, most of this is about her pain, her anger, her inability to express her needs to you. Yes we should all be more loving and giving but we can't read minds.
And you can't fix her. When you realize all this, it's so much easier to validate how they are now feeling.
Best of luck to you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Well... she talked to a lawyer and wants the divorce asap. I tried really hard to be a good listener and validate her concerns but when she started in about how much money she wanted and how she just wants the kids to be happy and for us (me) to give and give I started to get a little irritated. I still held my tongue for the most part and tried to keep my voice neutral.
Okay, so now you know what it was about....
Listen, I know how hard that was for you...
What I can tell you, is that just because she says it, and wants it, or feels entitled to it...
Doesn't make it reality...
One doesn't get things just because they feel entitled to them, nor will she get everything she wants just because she is angry, or done, or whatever the hell she feels that day....
Who says that you aren't just as entitled ???
My advice to you, is to feel the hurt from this. Let it creep into every facet of your being. Let it sting, let it burn, let the tears fall until they can't anymore.
Then bundle that up, and use that energy to do what is right, was is just, what is fair....
Use that to fuel your stand. Use that anger as a shield against her anger, and bitterness. Use that to dig deep within yourself to be a person that makes better choices everyday.
Use that as a shield, not as a sword.
Look at it this way Sub....
The worst has already happened for you. Everything rises up from this day forward....
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the Horse...
Thank you everyone, I appreciate your concern and thoughts I had to take a few days off from posting to figure some things out. one of the things my wife said was that if I fought her in court (which I do not want to do), she would make it tough for me to see my daughter. Because I travel some for work she said if I missed my time with our D, because of work, she would find it hard to let me have her during her time, the following week. That hurt to know that she would use our daughter as a weapon to try and make me do something against my will. I'm sure she said it out of fear but I still do not like the fact that she went to that place. As the fog lifts off of me, I am realizing the relationship we really had. At first I thought it was all me and I was a horrible person. The more I analyze our relationship the more i realize it was not a good place for me. I posted this before that when we first were married she would slap me and I let it go asking/yelling at her to stop. She finally stopped when I hit her back. As far as arguing she would get nasty and quite frankly I did not fight back because saying FU is not something I want to do. Well... I am done. I am moving on with life, I am going to work on me: listening and validating, empathy, self esteem and proper conflict resolution. My wife needs to fix her, I am done needing her approval.
On a brighter note, I took and passed a motorcycle riding course last weekend, yep it snowed and I froze. However, i passed and had a great time taking the course. Next step is getting my endorsement and renting a few times to figure out what bike I want. I think riding will give me a positive outlet for my time. I also am going to start a meetup group of single Christians and try to start a ministry through my church with lots of outreach, this is where I need to be.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I'm happy for you Subguy. Sometimes we just need to step back and see things for what they are. I'm sorry you W is using your D against you, that totally [censored]. Don't let her see how much it gets to you, the more you do, the more she will try it. ((( )))
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
Hey SG, good to see you back and that you sound solid.
Thank you, not real solid yet but a lot better than the quick sand I was lol.
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Sounds like your W had to learn how to defend herself early in life in some pretty nasty ways. You're right, you can't fix that.
She really is a great mother and person, she has a habit of swallow feelings until she breaks and it usually is not pretty when she does.
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How did you answer your W when she said she would do those things?
Good question, I said a lot of right, i understand you want ____ but I did not say anything about the veiled threat. I let it get to me and fell off my validating/mirroring band wagon. At that point I wrote down what was said in my journal and later contacted a lawyer. I will talk with her about the threat when I am done being pissed about it. I was so shocked that she said this that I did not know how or what to say so I said nothing. I figured it was better to not say anything about it and let me work through my thoughts and talk later about it. My emotions were getting ramped up at this point and I said something to the effect of well you left without fighting for us, I know in hind sight not the best thing to say, but it's over and done with. I'll do better next time. Instead of talking about the threat, I took it out in another area of "you left me", part of that proper conflict resolution I need to work on.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
