H went to a funeral yesterday for a friend's father that he didn't even know. Left at 9AM and didn't return home til 3AM. Didn't call him all day. He called me at 4PM and I asked if they wondered where I was since he didn't even ask me to go. He said they did but he told them I had to work. (I did have to work but if he would have asked me I would have called off but he never mentioned it so I ended up going to work). He said he didn't want me to come with him anyway. This morning I got really angry. I asked him where he was all night and he didn't answer. I don't want to live like this anymore. Even if things are getting better doing DBing, I still feel like not asking him what he is doing, allowing him to come and go all night is letting him get whatever he wants while I pick up the slack with the kids and family only benefits him. He was the cheater in the relationship, he caused our financial strains, he is the one running around every night. I never did anything to provoke him. He is in MLC, not me...Sorry to vent like this. I get so frustrated. This is so hard.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
I don't want to live like this anymore. Even if things are getting better doing DBing, I still feel like not asking him what he is doing, allowing him to come and go all night is letting him get whatever he wants while I pick up the slack with the kids and family only benefits him.
Well you're totally right, it's not fair to you. Most of the LBS's on these boards can relate, because most of us had no input or control over what our WAS's brought upon us. So you have to decide whether to put up with a lot of BS in the hopes of saving your M, or whether to move on for yourself. Both choices have pros and cons and neither is necessarily "right", so it's a tough decision. If you do decide you're done, then set boundaries on him (things like no more running off without informing you, calling when he will be late, etc.) Tell him you're done with his games and that he either needs to respect your boundaries or move out. This boundary setting will force the WAS to make a choice, and often that choice is to leave. So we don't usually suggest it unless the LBS is just at the end of their rope anyway.
But give yourself a few days to think about it first, because you're going through some crazy emotions right now and you don't want the emotions to cloud your judgement.
I agree with AS. You have to be able to follow through and know in your heart that you are ok with him moving out when you state your boundries.
In my situation, I know that my H needs to give me total transparency, or move out. But I only said that when I knew that I would follow through on it. It's hard to think clearly when all the emotions are flowing. Really get quiet and think about what your goal is. Today, mine is to find some peace. I haven't closed the door on my M, but I can't live with him claiming to be faithful and walking around being secretive. Strangely, it was easier for me to just do my own thing knowing he was still with OW.
Trust me, you will know when you are done. I have no doubt that I need for these boundries to be met. None. Doesn't mean I'm not sad or that I still don't love him.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
OK..so..yesterady I was having a good day. H was being affectionate and loving and I actually felt some happiness between us. He promised me we would sit down and go over finances with me and I begged him to commit and not run off at night so we can do it for once. He agreed. At 7PM he said that he was going to get dog food...same old story...didnt return til 3AM. No sit down with the bills no phone call..nothing. Top top it off I found a suitcase hidden in the basement that I saw in his car the other day. Went through it and there were clothes in it and hotel soaps. He used it a few weeks ago when he didn't come home the entire weekend. I asked him about it and his response was that I pissed him off that day so he just left on his own for the weekend and went to a motel alone..Except I remember that day and all I asked him that morning was if he was going to go to my S7 basketball game. He left the house by 9AM that morning.
I went onto FB today and noticed I am still FB friends with the OW. I started looking back and noticed that last June they went to a concert out of state together. I suddenly got so upset bc I had a family wedding that weekend and he told me he had to work all weekened and I was the only one in the family that missed it bc I had no one to watch kids.
So, upset and annoyed about the OW again today, I tried to set my boundaries. I asked him where he went last night. Once again he refused to tell me. He won't tell me where he went on that weekend either other than to somehow blame me. I told him I want to know where he is going and was attempting to set some boundaries. He refused, said he would tell me but he won't because I want to know so badly. Then he got nasty and ended up in a huge argument. I told him I've been doing this long enough and he can either work on things and tell me where he goes at night or divorce but I can't live like this. He chose divorce. Then he said he wants 50% custody. This is a guy that does nothing with his kids and sleeps out days at a time. Now he is trying to keep the kids 50% of the time? Argument got so nasty. He told me I was so mean to him for 16 yrs and that I was an awful wife. Compared me to his mother that left him in the middle of the night when he was 15. She is bipolar. Said there is no chance for any reconciliation and he hates me. I said that things were getting better and he said they weren't and there was no way we would remain together. He then got pissed that I looked at the FB page of the OW and said i was a B for looking at it and I should die for going on there. Really??? Shouldn't he have been more discreet in his relationship that their pics and posts weren't plastered all over fb?
The thing is..I was confident in my decision to give the ultimatum as I am having such a hard time living with the all nights out with no explaination. Even when we have a good day like yesterday he still leaves the house and blames me. Now, as soon as he turns things on me I start to crumble and second guess myself. I know I can't live with the lies any longer. Stander, I hear what you are saying. It is a hard decision. I put up with the BS for so long. As much as I don't want to divorce and wish he chose M, I can't see allowing him to just do whatever he wants and treat me like a doormat. I know I deserve better.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
I am so sorry this is happening to you. It is so hard. In time, (lots of time), things will get easier and less emotional. In time, your H will be less angry. This time last year, my H was so angry all the time and depressed and didn't know why. I put up with him blaming and yelling me all the time, it sucked. When he finally moved out (which was super hard), he became nice again. we have good conversations again (not about R), but about other things. i focus on listening and connecting on lots of other topics.
Try to separate yourself from the situation. Try to come up with a list of things to do to keep yourself busy. For ex, I re-decorated the guest room, I try to get together with friends a lot, I built a lego table for the kids, I take the kids skiing etc,
I know its hard. I would stop focusing on your Hs schedule and just focus on being strong for you and the boys. I used to be obsessed with my Hs schedule and but after reading all the advice here, I just stopped and I focus on my schedule. I just think, what am I going to do to have fun. My H is in NY visiting for the weekend, I have no idea where is staying. I stopped caring about it. I haven't talked to him. He texted a few times, I text back a reply and thats it. I don't initiate anything anymore.
I would be weary and tread lightly if your H is suddenly being affectionate. He still seems like on the roller coaster and in the tunnel.
What are his "primary love languages", have you read that book. That book was an eye opener for me. I realized that we have not been speaking the same love languages for years.
Me 38 H 39 M13 T18 S6 S9 Bomb Drop 11/11 Moved Out 7/12 Still have hope. No OW that I know of..
I too am very sorry your having such a hard time, but I can also say that it will get better! The first thing you have to do is not look at anything informational at all, ever!
Get out of his schedule, FB, car, drawers, where ever you might find something you don't want to see. I had such anxiety over just logging onto my bank account, or seeing the little blue voice mail light blink knowing it was an unknown call from ea.
He's going to keep lying...don't give him someone to lie too, I would stop talking to him. Don't give him an ear for his threats and hatred. You will start to feel free when your not in his face...and he may start to STFU!
Try not to count on him for anything...don't make plans, don't let him see you get upset. IMHO, I would take a step back and stay far away from him, don't include him, don't engage him, and def only answer his questions if they are related to the kids or home businesses, and keep it short but respectful.
I treat my H (who lives w/me still) like a roommate/business partner I only need to talk to whenever necessary. If he is angry or rude I walk away or say maybe later we can get back to whatever!
It's been about 5 weeks now and it has made all the difference in my life, my health and my emotionally well being.
You have to find something that works for you, it's not about him anymore, he's gone until "he" comes back on his own.
good luck, best dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
OK..so..yesterady I was having a good day. H was being affectionate and loving and I actually felt some happiness between us. He promised me we would sit down and go over finances with me and I begged him to commit and not run off at night so we can do it for once. He agreed. At 7PM he said that he was going to get dog food...same old story...didnt return til 3AM.
There is just nothing normal about this behavior at all. I don't remember reading this in your thread, but do you believe your H might be an alcoholic? My grandfather was an alcoholic, the binge drinker variety. He would go weeks as a "normal" husband and father, then just disappear without a word. Sometimes for days on end. It was the same thing as what you describe, he might agree to go to some event or something and then just disappear.
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I told him I've been doing this long enough and he can either work on things and tell me where he goes at night or divorce but I can't live like this. He chose divorce.
If I'm reading correctly it sounds like this was said in the heat of the argument. I would suggest waiting a day or two, then sit down with him and try and discuss it calmly without arguing. Repeat your boundaries and ask if he still wants a divorce over it. Do not criticize him about staying out in the past and not keeping you informed, boundaries are about the future, not rehashing the past.
Quote:
Stander, I hear what you are saying. It is a hard decision. I put up with the BS for so long. As much as I don't want to divorce and wish he chose M, I can't see allowing him to just do whatever he wants and treat me like a doormat. I know I deserve better.
I agree, you don't deserve to be treated with so little respect. Maybe if you "lay down the law" it will wake him up, maybe not. So make the decision based on what's best for you.
He is not an alcoholic. He never drinks. I would doubt he is out drinking. He swears he is at a friends but who the heck knows. He never says and he has cheated so I don't believe a word out of his mouth these days.
He was being nice today. Called me several times at work although I only answered once when I knew the kids were home from school. Trying to distance myself. I thought about our argument and realized that I came at him about the fb thing and accused him. It was definitely not what it says to do in DR and I'm sure he felt attacked and attacked back. That is how he is. He can be very nasty when he feels like he is being attacked. I should have stated the boundaries calmly and not tied it with the argument about the OW and FB.
The other thing I thought about was what got me going was that I was with a friend when I was looking at FB. She gave me an earful about leaving him, him never changing, etc. I need to remind myself to stop talking to other people. Although my friends care I know I need to learn to shut my mouth because it makes things so much worse. I am very vulnerable to other's opinions.
So, for now I am back to just going about my business and fixing myself. No IC this week bc my C was sick. I was supposed to go last night. Maybe had I gone my evening would have gone differently. I have to learn to stop arguing. For now he is still there and I need to make the best of it until our situation changes. The best thing I can do is to follow the 180s. When I was doing that before it was working. It is always when I stop that things go sour.
me-42 H-41 S-12 S-8 M-15 yr f/o bout OW- 11-29-12 H moved out 10-31-13 Filed for divorce 12-27-13 D- 10-21-14
What about bipolar? You mentioned his mom was, has he ever been checked? His behavior is just so bizarre it makes me think there's something else at work here. He could be MLC, but he seems pretty erratic even for MLC.
