A Life Filled With Grace

[25yearsmlc]

Great posts, Val and Bug.

I too want to find forgiveness for W (and even OW) but am finding it difficult.

I find myself confused by both anger and forgiveness.

I usually, but not always, found that my anger prevented my forgiveness of others. It justified my withholding of forgiveness. But that's letting anger choose for me. And I know I dont want that.

The other block to forgiveness was of course fear. However irrational, it FELT as if I feared that by forgiving, I'd be "allowing" someone to hurt me, again. But that makes no sense.

Does it really follow that the forgiven person, who may not even need to KNOW they're forgiven, will repeat their behavior based on OUR reaction? NO it does not.

ESPecially if we forgive & don't mention it to them or don't even see them. They won't hurt us again BECAUSE we forgave them...

Today, I know better. Today, I know their behavior has nothing to do with whether I'm holding onto anger...or if it does, my anger only increases the chance they'd feel justified in hurting me, NOT my forgiving them.

Hope that makes sense.

When I think I am feeling forgiving toward W, I find myself feeling more vulnerable and also missing her more. Perhaps what I am feeling is not true forgiveness, which should set her free,

ah but this is not how I see it at all. Forgiving her, frees YOU, not her. It's not really about her at all. Seriously. It's all about you. I believe it's KEY for you to grasp this concept. You've heard that "forgiveness is a gift you give yourself". That's what it means and that is who it frees...YOU.




but a way to make allowances for her based on her past. I think my CO-D mucks it up.

When I feel angry, it is easier for me to separate myself from W, but then I don't feel good inside being angry.

My family was like yours Bug with a lot of emotional cut-off when people "hurt" us.

I hope that both of you will keep posting here. Val, I too have found that peace you describe with forgiving in so many other relationships and would like to find it with W.

I never saw forgiveness growing up. Didn't know what it looked like. It's a learned skill. And it IS freeing and it IS peaceful.

But in our marriage vows, for some reason, mostly they say "from this day forward".

maybe the reason is for us to let go of what happened in the past b/c it passed.

Go from here, "from this day forward".