Is this MLC or WAS? Don't know what to do...

[BrightFuture]

I haven’t been posting for a while. I was just reading other posts and tried to process my feelings. I went through lots of different feelings during the last week, from happy to sad, from hopeful to done…
Here is the update. Last week I went to a little town where our vacation home is and where my H has been leaving for a month now. I went with the friend and stayed at her house. I had no intention to visit my vacation home or try to bump into my H. It just happened this way. This is a small town and lots of people know each other. We went to the office where our friends (and my H’s friend’s) work to say hi and to find out what they were doing that night. We stopped by a small bar/restaurant adjacent to the office and saw one of our friends there. There were a few other people there, including my H. He was very surprised to see us. He saw my girlfriend first and gave her a hug, then he saw me, so he had to give me a hug too. I looked my best and got lots of compliments from the people. H was kind of uncomfortable the entire time we were there.

Well, we bumped into him one more time, when we were leaving on Monday and stopped to say goodbye to our friends. He walked into the office while we were there. Then he left with the guy friend while we talked to his wife. Then I decided to stop by our house to see if I left my favorite shoes there, since I could not find them at home. To my disappointment my H and our guy friend were there (I thought that they were going somewhere else.) I asked if I could go upstairs to check for my shoes and H said of course I could. We didn’t stay long, just chatted a little and left. I didn’t notice anything unusual in the house. My girlfriend was behaving a bit arrogant and made a few stupid comments. I didn’t feel good about it. I regretted that I decided to stop by after all.

During our visit with our friends there I had a couple of conversations with the wife our friends are a couple) and she brought up the subject of her relative and my H’s contacts with her. She said that she called her relative and that the girl again assured her that there was nothing going on. I asked my friend about the number where my H called and had a 4-hour conversion and she told me that the number indeed belonged to her relative. Then she was so upset saying that her relative is probably lying to her. She was so concerned about this story, which made me suspicious that they know more than they tell me. After these conversations I felt pretty bad about sitch, like I was spinning my wheels for nothing and that there is no point trying to save my marriage. I felt that my H who I loved and respected, is not the same man anymore and I will not be able to trust him again.

[BrightFuture]

One more update, it was H’s birthday yesterday. I called him and wished him happy birthday and lots of happiness. He started to tell me that he was going to one place where they have BBQs and some other activities going on. I told him that it sounds like lots of fun. He said yes. Then I told him that my family wished him a happy birthday too and that I had to go. He told me “have a good day”, I said “you too”.

I was thinking about my feeling last night. I feel that I am starting to watch what my H does from a distance, like I’m a third person just observing the behavior of somebody else. I think it is also getting to the point when I’m ready to give up. It is kind of liberating actually, since I think I am almost not afraid to start talking about the separating our assets, etc. I haven’t cried for a couple of weeks now, and it is kind of weird. I still have a tight knot in my stomach, but the intensity is not as big any more. Am I just not cut for a long standing like other people on this board?

[tori2012]

BF, you're on the rollercoaster of emotions we all get on. It's good you're not crying anymore, but I think your current feelings may stem from finding out about your H's potential A. You're hurt. Ultimately, it's your decision to continue being patient, but if you love your H, it's worth doing it. If you're doing this for other reasons (fear, what people think, comfort, etc.,) then it's not worth it. At least that's what I feel.

The key word: time. Give yourself time to process your emotions.

[BrightFuture]

Thank you for the checking with me, Tori. I don’t get much activity on my post for some reason. I went through a major transformation during the past 6 months and I feel that things could be different between us. I love my H and I would like to save my marriage. But, I just feel discouraged at the moment. It seems that there is nothing going on in my sitch, I feel stuck.

You might be right and I am also reacting to the potential A. I’ve just read in your post that you said that it would be over for you, if your H would have a PA, but then it changed. This is what I feel now. If this A goes full steam, I feel that I would be done. But, I don’t know until I know. So, maybe I need to be patient with myself and give it more time.

[Juanton]

I love my H and I would like to save my marriage. But, I just feel discouraged at the moment. It seems that there is nothing going on in my sitch, I feel stuck.

This is how I feel at times about my W.

[tori2012]

Hey, BF. Try to post on other people's threads more and maybe they'll be compelled to check yours.

I know how you feel. Continue being patient. As you said, you love your H and would like to save your M, and you feel things could be different. Those are all the right reasons to hang on. Maybe you can ask yourself why things are stuck in the same place, and introduce a new element to the sitch. When is your next interaction with your H going to take place? Make sure you create opportunities to show him your changes.

At the same time, take care of yourself.

[Lampstand]

We can all safely tell you that the walk away spouse does NOT have the slightest idea what divorce or separation will look like. They often think it is exactly who you are now, where they can come to the house and go as they please, you are still waiting for them, you have not moved on and found someone etc.. They think it will be like this forever, Essentially they think you are the kids will all stay the same, and only HE will move on and found someone he thinks makes him happier.

Show him what divorce look like! We know thats not want you want, but you have to fake it. Be loving and nice to him as you would be with a friend, but don't allow him to get the emotional attention from you that he is used to. Don't tell him what you are up to. Let him stew in his own pile of mess!

My goodness, I really needed to read this today. Thank you for writing this. I've been lost trying to figure out what I should be doing right now. My H left me (at my suggestion) and I've changed my mind and what to reconcile. I've been trying to contact him and he's acted a lot of BF's H. Not totally ignoring me but definitely not pursuing me.

I know what I need to do now--NOTPTBF (Nowhere On The Planet To Be Found).

Thanks!!!!

[Lampstand]

This thread has motivated me to remove my H from my chat list so that I can no longer see when he's online. Now only he can see me and if he wants to talk to me he has to reach out. I think this will go a long way in getting my head focused on my life and off of him.

[BrightFuture]

Tori, thanks again for your insights. I’ve done a lot of work on myself and do feel differently about myself and life in general. I feel very confident about where I’m in life and I know I will be happy no matter what.

My sitch is stuck because I’m maintaining my distance and no NC rule. This is not hard at all, I feel better this way. But, he also doesn’t initiate any contact, unless for business. I have e-mail exchange with our common friend in that little town where he lives now, and I’m sure she gives him little snippets of information about me. I don’t know when my next interaction with H is going to be, probably in the next couple of weeks. He will have to go to work to another state at some point and I’m sure he will be stopping by our house. The weird part is that he stayed at his brother’s last time he was here, but all his belongings are still in the house, including all his clothes.

I think that new element in my sitch is going to be when I open my own company to handle my contracts and stop putting money into our business. I’m also thinking to separate our money and ask him to start contributing his half to pay all common bills. Right now we still have joint accounts and joint business, and I pay all bills while he is vacationing. Last time when we had R conversation he said that he wanted to maintain it this way until we can discuss further. So far he didn’t show any desire to discuss this. It looks like he is just going with the flow at the moment and enjoying his time at his favorite stop – our vacation place, and with his favorite friends (our common friends.)

[BrightFuture]

Lampstand, this exactly what I’ve learnt from my sitch. When I don’t know anything what my H does or where he is, I feel a lot calmer.