Limbo Land II

[jzoom]

First thread Limbo Land got locked. Going to repost the latest that went on just before the lock.


@MrBond "It seems like she responds better in conversation over the phone. Learn how to do that."
@suckerpunch "And if you're not fast on your feet, there is nothing wrong with saying, "I have to think about that. Can I get back to you with an answer" or something along those lines. You don't always have to respond immediately.

I personally think voice conversations are better. Text often leaves insight to interpretation. I can persoally read negative in, "Have a good day" if my mind is in the wrong place.

I wish my W wanted to speak over the phone more. All we do is text for the most part. I hate it!"


Me on 1/25/13

The problem is she has often ambushed me on the phone, it starts off innocent and then turns ugly and ends up with the interrupting, me being quiet while she rails, or a few times me just hanging up and then I'm accused of being the immature one.

I know I should be happy that she wants to talk. I try and tell myself that maybe since I've backed off she's being drawn back in. Guess I'll find out in a few hours, by then another posibility is going to be getting ignored or a reply text "nevermind" if it was something she needed earlier in the day or she just got pissed b/c I didn't respond.

Wow, just a bit after 5 her best friend who is a guy comes into my store. At first he just asks customer questions. Then loudly with other customers and employees around asks me if she's moved out. I tell him I don't want to talk about it b/c I'm at work. I have to tell him 3 times that I don't want to talk about anything to do with her. Then he mentions how he doesn't know what's going on and pissed her off b/c he doesn't know if he can make it to the kids birthday party. I say that's too bad and he leaves shortly after without buying anything. This is just after a couple days ago her good female friend came in and didn't buy anything.

Brings up something else though. Oldest boy and babies 1st birthday are both the first week of Feb. I want to get them small gifts, will this mess up my DBing? I'm NOT doing it as manipulation, I WANT to do it and I HATE I'm going to miss their birthdays.

Just texted her that I could talk and got this as a reply, "I found it then thanks. I needed my dress pants and I found two of them.". I replied "ok". Once again, something fairly simple that could've been texted but wasn't.

So I wonder if it's just as you say MrBond about her doing better on the phone or if this is her starting to soften a bit since I've backed off.



Today, 1/27/13:

I haven't had any further contact with her since that text. Yesterday I got some inexpensive gifts for the kids and they're on the dining room table with cards where ex-gf will clearly see them when she comes by the house again.

I'm having a really hard time not contacting her, not trying to convince her and the kids to start staying at the house again. It gets tough b/c I'm having more alone time now but whenever I get those thoughts I'm going through the DB rules. I haven't seen the kids in over two weeks and tomorrow will make two weeks since the last time I saw her. I just feel like I'd make more headway if they were here and I could just be calm, cool, and friendly around them.

[jzoom]

Ugh, I hate when I get like this. No matter what I try I can't get her off my mind. I keep thinking of texting her today and saying, "I want you and the kids to come home. I want this to be OUR home. I want to talk about how to make it OUR home. I want to do whatever it takes to make you and me work, get through this together, and be a family."

[AnotherStander]

Yesterday I got some inexpensive gifts for the kids and they're on the dining room table with cards where ex-gf will clearly see them when she comes by the house again.

Not sure about that, she may perceive it as you trying to earn brownie points (pressure). If you want to see the kids then ask her if you can see them, if she allows it then ask her if it's OK to give them some small gifts when you see them. I think it would be less pressure on her and come off as more genuine.

I'm having a really hard time not contacting her, not trying to convince her and the kids to start staying at the house again.

It's really tough in the beginning but it gets easier. Just stick with it. When you feel inclined to reach out to her, just remember all the other times you've done it (described in your first thread) and think about how it never helped at all. It won't help this time either. So don't do it. Focus on you. Work on you. Find stuff to do to get your mind off of her. Don't contact her, it'll just make you look needy (unattractive). You can do this!

[Tallula]

I'm going to go back and read your first thread at lunch. No contacting is soooo hard. One of my biggest things, as silly as it sounds, was to make sure I wasn't the last one to text. Or if I had to be because of a question, I'd just text "yes" "no" "K". Strickly buisness. Once I started doing that, he is the one who texts "thanks for the replay" a smiley face, etc all the stuff I was texting. It's silly, but it makes me feel better.

[jzoom]

First, AnotherStander & Tallula, thanks for the support. I appreciate it much more than the "give up and move on" attitude I get sometimes.

Yesterday I got some inexpensive gifts for the kids and they're on the dining room table with cards where ex-gf will clearly see them when she comes by the house again.

Not sure about that, she may perceive it as you trying to earn brownie points (pressure). If you want to see the kids then ask her if you can see them, if she allows it then ask her if it's OK to give them some small gifts when you see them. I think it would be less pressure on her and come off as more genuine.

I've thought about asking her to see the kids but figured it would come across as needy. I also fear the attitude of me asking her for something I want when I've offered her nothing lately. The oldest boys birthday is 2/3 and the baby's birthday is 2/7 and she had talked about a combined party. Her male friend who stopped by the store mentioned the party but I don't know the date and obviously not invited. I didn't want to come off as manipulative but rather just show her with my actions that I remembered their birthdays and care. Her birthday is in March, and if nothing has changed I won't be getting her a gift. Middle childs birthday is a few days after mine in April, so I figure no matter the state of our R at that time I'll get him a gift.

The gifts are sitting on the table right now so she could find them today. What if I just texted her, "I got *oldest boy* and *baby* birthday gifts. I'd like to see the kids if you don't mind. If that's a problem then the gifts are on the dining room table."?

I'm having a really hard time not contacting her, not trying to convince her and the kids to start staying at the house again.

It's really tough in the beginning but it gets easier. Just stick with it. When you feel inclined to reach out to her, just remember all the other times you've done it (described in your first thread) and think about how it never helped at all. It won't help this time either. So don't do it. Focus on you. Work on you. Find stuff to do to get your mind off of her. Don't contact her, it'll just make you look needy (unattractive). You can do this!

Exactly, everytime I think about it I remind myself that I went down that cheeseless tunnel many times. I keep going over the DB rules and keep reminding myself how doing 180's feels so unnatural. It's weird sometimes, like today, right now I want to contact her but I have this gut feeling that if I just keep holding back I'll hear from her...

I'm going to go back and read your first thread at lunch. No contacting is soooo hard. One of my biggest things, as silly as it sounds, was to make sure I wasn't the last one to text. Or if I had to be because of a question, I'd just text "yes" "no" "K". Strickly buisness. Once I started doing that, he is the one who texts "thanks for the replay" a smiley face, etc all the stuff I was texting. It's silly, but it makes me feel better.

I pity you for attempting to read my whole sitch lol You're going to see insane in progress lol.

It is hard but what you say about the texts is the route I've been taking. I've been thinking about it more like if I'm texting with one of my co-workers, all business.

She's asked me questions and I reply and get an "ok" or something similar back and just let it hang. It feels weird but then I saw the small change the other day where I finally said I could talk and instead of getting "nevermind" (which has been a more typical response lately) I got elaboration on what she had been looking for. Had to slap myself inside my own brain not to ask her any questions.



Also, my friend and I were talking about my ex-gf's good friends stopping in the store. Shortly after my ex gave me the decision that she was moving out she admitted to my friend about checking up on my on Facebook. I don't post much on Facebook anymore (especially not going to post negative or needy stuff) so there isn't much to see. I'm backing off big time, not hanging onto her through conversation when calling/texting, and all of a sudden these friends of hers come into my store.

The female friend I met once at the bar and the male I had been around a couple of times. Never seen the female in here before. After the Oct blow-up when I was going to kick her out he gave her a ride and then came into the store to tell me he was just there to give a ride and didn't want hard feelings between him and me. First and only time he had been until this recent visit last week.

Could she be spying on me?

[Starsky309]

First, AnotherStander & Tallula, thanks for the support. I appreciate it much more than the "give up and move on" attitude I get sometimes.

Zoom, don't you think that's a little unfair? Granted, I haven't posted to you much, but I do read along and mostly what I've seen from some of these folks is genuine concern for you, and encouraging you to try to get at the root of your own motivations. And mostly, to preserve your OWN happiness and emotional well-being.

That just seemed like a cheap shot to me.


Starsky

[jzoom]

First, AnotherStander & Tallula, thanks for the support. I appreciate it much more than the "give up and move on" attitude I get sometimes.

Zoom, don't you think that's a little unfair? Granted, I haven't posted to you much, but I do read along and mostly what I've seen from some of these folks is genuine concern for you, and encouraging you to try to get at the root of your own motivations. And mostly, to preserve your OWN happiness and emotional well-being.

That just seemed like a cheap shot to me.


Starsky

Starsky, not a shot at you, a general statement. I get the whole well-being thing but I've heard enough of it. Perhaps I'm nuts, completely insane, but I'm going to keep trying. Whenever I get the "get out and move on" attitude I feel like it is straight out of the "biased shoulder" part of DR.

I've screwed up and she screwed up, and there's only so much I can tell in these threads. My memory isn't perfect and even if I tried to put in every detail it would be so long it would be pointless.

My motivation is that I can become a better person and she can become a better person, and together we can have the R we both deserve. So I get down, I get depressed, I get to a point where I am about to BACKSLIDE from the TINY bit I've accomplished. I haven't stuck to DBing properly and if I had back in Sept/Oct I might not still be here.

I'm doing this. I'm not giving up. Sometimes I'm just venting. Sometimes I'm seeking advice. I get it, it may not work out, maybe it's not supposed to work out between me and her, but I'm not done yet.

[Starsky309]

OK, I hear you. And as I said in the post, I wasn't referring to myself as I haven't posted to you but maybe once. It was more kml and some of those others who took the time to give you some pretty thorough, compassionate posts (in my opinion).

It's your journey, for certain. Just please make sure you understand the difference between "give up" and "moving on." Because the latter does NOT necessarily equal the former, and in fact it's often what you have to do (the old "let go of a bird" thing). It certainly was for me.

I'm pro-marriage, very much so. Just not an "at all costs" guy, and I don't particularly think that's healthy.


Starsky

[jzoom]

She does have some family she could stay with. When we got into a fight one day she said, "if I didn't want to be here I wouldn't. If I wanted out I would've begged my Nan to stay with her."

I keep hoping, wishing, and praying every day that when I get home from work they'll be there.

[jzoom]

I am one of those who said to move on but..... Ask yourself this.

If she said tomorrow she wants to come back, would you let her right back into your home? If she broke up with OM, would she have anywhere else to go with her kids?

Don't take her back so quickly and for the wrong reasons if she does.

If she said tomorrow she wants to come back, would you let her right back into your home? Yes I would. Number one, that is what I desire, no matter how illogical. Two, from a DB perspective it would mean that by me doing something different I got a different result. Three, legally it is still her place of residence, she has keys, I can't legally change the locks, and she has to either officially get her mail sent somewhere else or I have to legally evict her.

If she broke up with OM, would she have anywhere else to go with her kids? She has stayed at her Nans, dads, friends, etc without problem. I believe that if they cut it off and she didn't want to be at the house she wouldn't. Even if she had no other place to go she would avoid me like the plague if she so felt that way...meaning I'd still basically never see her even when home.

If you accept her back for the wrong reasons without real work done on her part, you will end up right back where you started. "It takes one to tango."