AS, I just started looking through your original posts from when you first signed on here with your crisis. The small amount of your writings that I have read seems very well thought out. Almost as though the whole situation really didn't seem much of a challenge to you.
I have a tendency to look for instant results, also tend to react quickly instead of respond slowly. I know what I want, so I look for ANYTHING to tell me that what I desire is on its way. These qualities will not serve me well in this situation, and although I know that, it is still a struggle for me. With my wife still living here, I find it challenging to disconnect. I have read that "Detatch" is to disconnect from the emotional roller coaster but without withdrawing. I am searching for ways to show that I am still here, but without pursuing. I liken it to trying to feed a bird from the palm of your hand. Any attempt to acquire them results in flight.
My wife has been out of town for almost a week now. She has contacted me several times since leaving. Mostly via text, but I did have a relatively lengthy phone call with her regarding her dad. I made sure not to push my perspective. I listened intently and gave her support and recognition for how well she has handled things. Her father suffers from depression and can be quite an emotional load on her. I have always stood beside her in how she deals with him.
Yesterday, she contacted me several times via text. One thing she shared was some pictures taken of her at a museum that I have always wanted to see. I asked her if she had seen everything there. She told me no, and that she figured she would save that for me and the kids. I felt that was good to hear, but reminded myself not to put a lot of weight on that statement. Today, I have not heard a word from her.
Her computer went into the shop the day she left town. I retrieved it for her and was going to set it up so that it would be ready for her when she returned. In the setup, I started having to enter passwords and stuff like that. You know, all the crap you have to enter when setting up from ground zero. I ended up telling her that I was going to leave it all for her. That I wanted her to be pleased with how it was set up. My intention is that she will have no doubt that I am not digging under the hood on her computer. Some people may say that I'm sticking my head in the sand, but I just can't see what good will come from me finding something that I, and our two daughters will not want to find. Part of me wants concrete evidence, but part of me beleives that if I ever found anything that would ensure the demise of our relationship and our family. I suffer from swings in my feelings on this subject.
AS, I feel we live in a parallel universe. in your posts, I hear myself. Been keeping the house in ship shape. Did laundry for the first time in about 12 years! Nothing turned into doll clothing! I have found an increasing workload coming down on me at home. In the past, my wife assumed most of the duties around the house. That was definitely a shortcoming on my part. It's a 180 for me to be SO involved in taking care of everything around here. It feels good, though, and it helps keep my mind off of the things that bother me. It also gives me a sense of well being and accomplishment.
On a good note, (baby step, maybe?) my wife asked if I would like to schedule a couples massage with her when she returns. We used to do that on a regular basis followed by lunch. I think I will wait to see if she wants to follow up with more later. Then maybe I can call it a baby step. Right now, we sleep in separate rooms. She won't let me see her unclothed and she has removed her ring. At the massages, we stairs down to nothing, so maybe she's peeking out of her shell a bit. I guess time will tell. I've read here that time is my friend. I spend my time reminding myself to remove negative thoughts from my mind and replace them with positive thoughts instead. Looks for things to give thanks for.
