Help/Advice needed please...

[Intact]

Well she bought her mother with her - have no idea why.

She just wanted to talk about "co parenting" - my wife speaks in such final terms I do wonder if a way back together is ever actually going to be possible.

Have you actually read the DB or Div Remedy book(s)? B/C they address this.

OF COURSE she acts as if it's all over. She may SAY it's over. She may mean it, today.

That doesn't make it true AND even if it is true, people change. It might only be true TODAY.

In 2006 I gave my marriage a "10% chance of success" and I meant it...THEN.

But the need to react to her holding hands w/OM is not a mature thought out reaction. Good grief.

You "need" do NOTHING at the moment. Just listen to her. YOU KNOW there were significant problems in your marriage and as you admit, you were a lousy h to her for a long time.

WHy not admit it and thank her for being the catalyst for change that YOU needed and then, as time passes, let her SEE those changes. Once you admit you are changing, there will NOT be a need to highlight or point out those changes as that looks tactical, rather than sincere.

But at least show her that you "get it" now. Even if it's too late, for your next r, you'll be a better partner.

She won't want the "next woman" to benefit from HER sacrifices. She won't want to think that all the #$%^ she went through with you , NOW leads you to become the man she always wanted,

only to be with some OW. But she will have to believe your changes are real

AND PERMANENT. How can she believe that?

consistent change + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

I would not go out to bars or wherever it is you used to go out. Surely you can GAL without doing that. It's pretty unoriginal and it's not what adult men do to GAL, in all honesty.

Get a hobby or join something. A club or organization or volunteer or take a class. Even just playing cards at someone's house is better than a bar. A bar would be the LAST place I'd go to GAL, espeically if I wanted my spouse to think I had changed.

But please stop freaking out. She held a man's hand in public. She must wonder what you were doing all those nights in bars, in the dark, while only touching her if it meant sex.

You must learn some empathy for her. To see the marriage through HER eyes for awhile, in order to realize how unfair you're being even now.

Have you apologized for what you put her through? Did you simply implore her to stay OR did you own up to your role in the problems?

Don't confuse a sincere apology, without expectations, with pursuit.

I cannot imagine ANY reconciliation without some atonement. That will eventually be for both of you.

This is great advice and gives me something to think about - thank you.

I have sincerely apologised to her for the way I behaved during our marriage...

I know what you mean regarding going to bars etc - trouble is I live in a tiny village and we only had 1 car - hers. Unfortunately as I'm trying to keep the house over my sons head etc I can not afford a car at the moment so GAL is a little difficult if it doesn't involve bars - although I have signed up to a cookery class at our village hall.